foolie wrote on 13 Mar 2024 12:32:

I am worried this stuff is contagious.
"This is your brain" (*shows egg*)
"This is your brain on crack" (*shows scrambled eggs*).
*Dramatic pause*
"This is your brain on GYE" (*shows this forum thread*).
"Don't do drugs kids, stay in school"
-D.A.R.E.

proudyungerman wrote on 12 Mar 2024 23:36:

GEVALDIG!!!

Another day another test...

Thursday night...
I am an avid reader, a real bookworm. Although I don't usually have all that much reading time, I make sure to have good reading material around for those few minutes here and there. I recently realized that I had read (and re-read...) all current reading material and I decided to look for some more. I got a recommendation for a good author - non-jewish - and ordered some of his books. They came Thursday afternoon. When I got home Thursday night after night seder, finished cleaning up the kitchen, making the cholent, etc, I was finally able to take a look at them. I opened them up and started browsing. As I was flipping through them, I noticed that one of them had a few parts that had a strong focus on some inappropriate content.

What should I do? 

As you can imagine my mind starts to race...should I just ignore it? Read it and skip those parts? Not focus on that part of the content? Should I throw it out? Burn it? Read it and enjoy it???? Is it really so bad? Don't do it! You'll regret it! Yeah, but it's enjoyable now and I have been so good...a little enjoyment is fine once in a while...and the battle went on...

As these thoughts are racing through my brain, I flipped through some more of the book, making sure not to read the inappropriate parts...yet...

And then I went upstairs to my wife and handed her the book. I told her that it some inappropriate material in it and I can you please put it away somewhere so I don't read it. 

SUCCESS!!
I have to say the decision felt good and I am happy that I did it!
Forward Ho!!
Onwards to true Kedusha, Purity, and Faithfulness!!

Walking all alone on a path so dark
Potholes and bumps abound with invisible twists and turns
Clouds loom above, ominously glaring down
Winds picking up the drizzle increasing


Gale force winds whistling 
Swaying, rocking the lonely man below
Torrential downpour, cold rain whips hard
Harder, harsher, vicious soaked all the way through

Waves crashing atop without respite
Storming inside and out
Wet, tired, and drained to the core
Cold all around

Turning to Heaven from within
Searching for the spark hidden deep inside
Yearning, needing the inner calm
Stability to keep going

In the eye of the storm an oasis found
The spark hidden so deep, growing, burning
Ablaze, filled with warmth 
Tranquility prevails 


 ,תורת ה תמימה משיבת נפש
ואין לנו שיור רק התורה הזאת
Ribono Shel Oilam,
I am Proudyungerman and I am reporting for service.

Bro you're going to hit 90 days on Purim. That's amazing and I'm very jealous. Take a minute on your mountaintop of success to pray for us all down at the bottom.  Keep on trucking!

Please see here:

guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/410550-Finish-Sefer-Tehillim-on-Purim

It is hard to believe that I am actually at this milestone. To me the milestone has very little to do with the actual amount of "clean days", rather with a changed persona. (Really, I feel my count should be from when I first spoke to HHM - היום יום 83 - and I still proudly text him every night!)
I tried to organize my thoughts, so I hope they are coherent.

There are three main ingredients in my current story of success.
1. Normalizing my struggle.
    1a. Realizing that I am a good person
    1b. Speaking to fellow GYE'ers
2. Reeducation on what real intimacy and sex is.
3. Learning to feel a real, deep, sublime pleasure and enjoyment out of beating my YH. 

1. Normalizing my struggle was the first part of my current upwards trajectory. I must give a tremendous shoutout to IWLR for being the first one to really "understand" that to me. I think our first conversation on the phone was about and hour and a half (I missed Maariv for it - totally worth it!) and it really opened up the floodgates for me. To be able to see and feel that another yeshiva guy, just like me, had the same struggles, was such a big game changer.


Then HHM came along and explained to me that I absolutely CANNOT define myself by my struggles and failures in one single area! I am a good person! Being that I have the condition called life, I come with some flaws. It is my job to work on those flaws and improve myself to gain that ultimate closeness to Hashem. By no means am I defined by one single struggle or failure. Through this realization I was able to really start respecting myself properly as a person. I was able to continue to mend the internal rift, to merge my two personalities into one proudyungerman who has some flaws and failures - and that's ok! (This has had an extremely positive effect on my life outside of GYE also...ובמבין יבין)

That work is by no means finished. I still need more of this until I reach the point of seemless integration. (I don't know if it will ever be perfect.) For example, I still have a hard time opening up a sefer on shmiras einayim. It brings back bad feelings from when I was a bochur and so stuck in the mess, unsure if there was even a way to ever get out. Even my Rebbeim didn't have any ideas for me, just chizzuk. 
(I often wonder if I should go back over to them and inform them of the help that I've gotten and that's available...)

The effect of talking to real people about my struggles CANNOT be understated. I therefore suggest, yell, shout, scream, cajole, convince, beg, plead, and cry to all of you: PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL PEOPLE! IT HELPS! JUST DO IT!! (Start with HHM... R' Eerie and R' CO are also great!) I will readily admit that the first convesations are uncomfortable (alot!), and I am nervous before I have them. However, every single time, I am so happy after the fact. Just to be able to talk to someone else who also gets it is so relieving. I have made numerous close, real friends and Rebbeim on my short time on this forum already, and I have no plans of stopping!

(I was even zoche to meet one of my Rebbeim from this site and it really takes it to a whole new level! I am very excited to meet more of the chevra as soon as I can. I think R' Eerie has my address, it's somewhere in Burma...if you happen to be in the area please stop in!)

​To be continued...

I wonder if it's my allergies, but I'm tearing up reading your beautiful words...and wishing I was on my way to Burma...
If I may say publicly, you never sounded uncomfortable to me. You sound like a wonderful, proud, special person who wants to keep becoming better. So, please do!
Keep trucking!

Wow proudyungerman amazing!

I'm quite proud to have you as a friend; and after shmoozing with you and getting to know you over the months, hearing about your milestones are such an inspiration and chizzuk.

Keep it up!!

P.S. I didn't know they have Maariv in Burma!

Of course they have Maariv in Burma!!! Otherwise, do you think a Yeshivish guy like PY would be there? I mean, come on!

Beautiful, lucid post that can be a real help to others. You are special. You can and should be proud of who you are and where you are!! 

I feel you should absolutely go back to your Rabbeim and let them about resources  and pathways that they don’t know about, there are other wonderful special guy drowning out there, and your Rabbeim should know about every tool there is with which to help others! 

Just don’t “out” anyone …
 

eerie wrote on 27 Mar 2024 18:56:

Thank you. Really. I've gained a lot from you and I'm zoche to call you Rebbi/Friend.

You can definitely say it, I am proud to have made those phone calls. (Other ones not as much...)
It is important for me to be clear that although I may not have sounded uncomfortable, I definitely felt it. I was nervous and had butterflies in my stomach.
I had the opportunity to speak to Heeling last week, right before the call I was quite nervous. It is hard to spill out my guts and mistakes to strangers whom I've never even heard of before, let alone met or spoken to. However, the positive effects of the conversations, connections, relationships, advice, grumps, and simply being listened to and understood outweigh those uncomfortable moments.

I can also say for certain that you never sounded uncomfortable to me at any time 

foolie wrote on 28 Mar 2024 00:02:

My mother always told me to stay away from strangers...