Rabbosai, the past two days I have access to some YouTube and I'm stuck watching - NOT porn as that is actually blocked, but I am watching videos of OTD people, "המבין יבין" - the way they look and talk, and I'm finding myself really torn apart.
On the one hand I feel so bad for them for where they ended up, and on the other hand I'm so so so jealous of them being so "brave" and taking the [wrong] move of going OTD. I'm so confused and torn apart into pieces; I have no Menucha. Even the little I used to learn (daf yomi) I sit in front of the Gemara and I freeze...
As I mentioned in other posts, from the outside no one can tell that I'm not in Yeshiva. The most common question I try so hard to avoid is "What Yeshiva are you in?" which innocent people ask not knowing that I'm going through hell... So, I'm trying to bring out that I am in a way "regular" and just inside I'm struggling to no end. Any Chizuk, tips or advice would be greatly appreciated.

my dear holy brother (yes the 'trying' itself makes you holy at no end)
i feel you, and at some point of life i also feel like that, jealous and jealous for this ppl you called here OTD, i think its normal to feel that, spacial ppl like us who going over such hard thinks in our soul, and more spacial for the ppl who are outside (and inside too...) good, but in side (in some times) feel so bad about what they do
but i think its only that cause we are hide, and we think that we are the only one in the heimisha community's who struggle with that, and with no way out of that battle, that's why we want get OTD so we can have are תאות openly, 
am i correct?

BTW that big move you made in the right direction, coming out with an אמת how and what you feel and struggle is a big step in the right way BEZ"h

I feel your pain, that inner conflict between trying to be good, and the feeling of "but is anything worth it? Do i have to kill myself to behave, when all of these people seem happy?" 
stay strong, this will pass, but maybe take a few minutes a day to just get out. Go for a walk for just 5 minutes or something. Just get outside, and space out. No deep thinking required. It can help just keep the trance from completely enveloping you. 
and remember, we are always here for you

Thank you that means a lot!

Thanks for the Chizuk and insight

tryingtobeholy wrote on 26 Dec 2023 14:58:

Welcome!
Dealing with emotional pain, especially when you're alone, is extremely difficult. YOU are so brave for expressing yourself here so clearly and reaching out for help. Would you like to have a phone conversation (can be anonymous if you wish) with one of our members here who have wide open hearts to listen and feel with you? 

tryingtobeholy wrote on 26 Dec 2023 14:58:

If no one can tell on the outside that you are not in yeshiva then you are in a very good place spiritually, notwithstanding all the struggles that you have. The fact that you are reaching out to GYE even though you are not in yeshiva also means that you are in a very good place. I understand the difficulty of not being in yeshiva and struggling spiritually but you are a gem. You write that you are jealous of those who went OTD. You also write that they are brave. I promise you that deep down most of them are jealous of you. You are brave, not them. They gave into the Y"H whereas you are fighting him.

I believe that there are many resources for people like you but I don't know where to find them. Reach out to HHM. Also, exercise is very healthy. You are at risk of finding friends who might be appealing on the outside but who aren't mentchlich on the inside. Remember that you are better than that. Make friends on GYE and ask HHM where you can make friends with healthy people. It is also worthy finding G-d-fearing adults who sincerely care about you and can give you support and encouragement and be your friend. HHM is one such person. Ask him where to find another person in your community. Stay strong. You are in a very good place. We are all rooting for you. Please stick around and keep on posting.

One of the major accomplishments of GYE is giving the ability to guys to get chizuk from others that have "been there and done that". Most chevra that have broken free from whatever issues they have had, passionately try to give back to the community by helping out others. You are experiencing feelings and challenges that many others have had as well. Reach out and accept help and chizuk. Hatzlocha buddy.

I totally feel for you. I was abused as a child and know many who have gone "OTD" as a result. Many times I felt, "why not just do that, life would be so much easier, why are you killing yourself for this?" I can say looking back that the reality is none of these people are actually as happ as me for their decision. Hope it helps, but I totally get it.

Great posts! One small, obvious point. Are you able to try to stay away from youtube?

They are not brave. We are brave. 

My very close childhood friend went OTD. He, like so many people here, was not satisfied by his wife sexually, couldn't control himself to keep his eyes to himself, always lusted for more. He had emunah questions, but he didn't seek out answers - he just wanted all the questions. He was so empty inside that he turned to drugs. He started neglecting his job. So at some point his wife gave up, took their two kids and left him. That's when he just slid all the way down. He was left with nothing, living himself in an apartment without a job.

It's not easy to be frum in the world we live in. It takes courage. It takes conviction. It takes thinking and introspection. It takes discipline. It takes a search for the truth. But it's the most beautiful, meaningful, and fulfilling lifestyle humans could have ever invented in a lab if they tried. 

But more importantly, it's the life to live because that's what the Creator of this world intended for you and intended for me. 

Now, it takes time and work to get to that realization, but you can get there.

If you have specific questions that are bothering you, know that there are tons of resources out there to help you get a better understanding of those topics.

But since it seems like you're in a place of hopelessness, I think a good, lighthearted place to start is this hilariously funny but also extremely on point shiur by Rabbi Dovid Orlofsky - Why Be Jewish?

Feel free to reach out privately to me or any other of the special people here.

Wow, what a powerful point: "They are not brave. We are brave."

Thank you! I'm crying as I read your response...