Although, like with any question on any sugya, answering over email or on a forum doesnt do it justice, I will attempt. But I would suggest a phone conversation with a mentor for real clarity. Also, being as you have said you are feeling a lot of inner pain, it makes sense that many answers will seem inadequate, for we cant answer questions of the heart with logic just as we cant answer questions of the mind with emotion. 
The gemora in Brachos 5A clearly says that at times paga bach menuval ze does not work all the time! The gemora says "yaasok betaora, im natzco mutav, if not layne krias shma,...yazkir yom hamisa". Additionally with the story of R Amram Chasida in Kiddushin, he screamed out for others to come, he did not go learn or even remember yom hamisa. With extreme nisyonos, not always will it work. Additionally, R Yisrael Salanter (ohr yisroel 4 or 5) and the Chosen Yehoshua talk about the need to use strategy against the YH as well aside from Musar and Torah. Just hoping for a spiritual salvation alone is not the way, although it helps.
Pas Besalo has nothing to do with having an outlet. It is a physcological ease that comes from knowing you have a technical way of taking care of your needs. When a person is already craving something, it will not help. Additionally, when a person chases after modern lust, there is a tremendous amount of variety and selfish pleasure seeking that will not be fulfilled by a wife. If a person does not appreciate true intimacy, it is doubtful that a wife will put him at ease regarding this for he knows she will not (nor should she) fulfill his every whim.
       As an aside, I do not think your anger constitutes kavana lehachis at all. It is a reaction to your inner turmoil. Ayn adam nitfas al diburo mtoch tzaaro. Even thogh this isnt dibur, the concepts are compatible. I really think you have to give yourself a break. You are doing amazing!

Thanks so much "BRIGHT" you come across as very Bright
your insight is greatly appreciated 
G-D bless you

30 years ago I had no one to talk about it (because it doesn't/never happen/exsisted & it is dirty talk. The קצות החושן does not address it) it is precisely why I did not have a Rabbi who could educate me on מאמרי חז"ל re: these matters, so I in my childish mind I took them literally & suffered in silence,My issue now is (not the only issue) that In fact I did not learn for a long time and hardly davened,  אם תעזבנו יום יומים אעזבך I feel so detached I try my best to learn on a daily basis but no feelings whatsoever, I daven but it's robotic. I assume it's because the הסתכלות אסורות  so my question is, is it possible to penatrate the מסך המבדיל שמפסיק בינינו לבין אבינו שבשמיםHow do I get rid of the טמטום הלב which was created from the הסתכלות  I cannot unsee what I saw or unknow what I know It's obviously different than other aveiros where you can just stop doing and do teshuva and resolve for the future. these images are haunting.I know I need therapy, but to find the right match is like splitting the sea, so I thought I'll pour some of my.....................ואתכם הסליחה

samshmuel wrote on 12 Dec 2023 21:33:

I encourage you to read my thread. When I started, I had all of the questions that you have.  It is possible to overcome all that you describe.   And feel free to email me as well. The links to my thread and my email should be in my signature.

best wishes 
vehkam 

I'm quoting R' Yona on the importance of talking to friends 
דרך ישרה שיבור לו האדם ליראת שמים לקנות לו חבר אחד או שנים לדבר עמהם
תמיד בדברי יראת שמים 
(אגרת התשובה צז)

I once saw in one of the ספרי חב"ד that since it's very difficult to fight the יצה"ר so by talking to a friend about מלחמת/טכסיסי היצר then it's 2 against 1
so it becomes much easier 

another peace of R' Yona on the greatness of offering sound advice 
וחייב אדם לחשוב מחשבות להעלות נר עיצות הגונות ומתוקנות לחבירו
(שער ג- נד)


a great guy from the GYE family contacted me and he gave an hour of his time,  Thank you from the depth of my heart

samshmuel wrote on 12 Dec 2023 21:33:

My friend I really feel for you. You went through alot alone in the dark, Its very painful.
I just want you to know the godswill everything is possibel! Stick around and make some friends, things will change for the better far beyond your imagination beH.
Keep on posting, it great to read your posts!

Here’s a warm hand - Shalom! 

Perhaps 30 years ago you were over on the next table or Shtender from me. And we were both struggling very much alone…. 
ב”ה for GYE. 

The first step in removing the מסך המבדיל is to remove the calloused shield around your heart that is built of scar tissue and reads: “ No hope of change. It is what it is”. 

To me, GYE means hope. It is not “What it is”. It doesn’t have to be. 
GYE means doors and pathways where there were none before. 
It means finally walking this lonely road with others who understand. 
It means discovering that there are good folks who have been through what I have been through, and more, who have gotten out.
You can too! 
Hope again. 

Not everyone needs therapy, though it can be helpful.

 טמטום הלב can subside when we learn to let go a little of the pervasive תמהון לבב that has become attached to the very essence of our beings over long and lonely years. 

It may be 30 Years later, and there are streaks in our beards (at least in mine). But it ain’t too late, chaver. 

Take my hand. And stay in touch. 

מאן דבעי חיים