iwannalivereal wrote on 19 Jan 2024 04:47:

I'm just reposting this so I can internalize these amazing important words of wisdom! 

eerie wrote on 24 Nov 2023 05:48:

So, here it is.

A close friend of mine has always dreamed, 
of being exactly what he seemed,
of spending his life in the hallowed halls,
Without hiding the slips or the falls,
Of being true to the way he did look,
An authentic student of The Great Book,
But things did not work out as planned,
How and what, he did not understand,
But before long there was so much hiding,
He was falling, slipping and sliding,
No pushover he was, this good friend,
he tried these wrong things to end,
But no matter how hard he tried,
No matter how many tears he cried,
Did all from these habits to wean,
Yet, he couldn't shake the routine,
Tried more things than many I know,
Found it futile, and believed that just so
was the way it would always be,
Might as well get to know the real me.

One day, think did he,
How about join GYE,
Not that he thought it really held hope,
but all goes at the end of the rope.
So he wrote about wanting to living real,
About living the life that's ideal,
about hoping, maybe, you never know,
maybe there was something that COULD help me grow,
Didn't get his hopes up to high,
but he'd give this a real, honest try.

Well, my friend, boy are we glad,
That there's a new great friend to be had,
That he clicked on that post to submit,
To a new life he did commit,
And before we could even blink,
Quicker than anyone did think,
My eyes popped out of their socket
Watching him fly high like a rocket!!!
To grow with such unbelievable speed,
to become great in thought and in deed,
Why, this was a person on fire,
Growing, changing, rewired,
Changed by "the battle of the Generation",
For us an unreal inspiration,
that the greatest pleasure is within,
It's in these great challenges to WIN!
With alacrity, purpose and zeal,
Yes, this was living life real!

The day came, the one he did dread, 
Made him wonder if after all is said,
Maybe, after all, can it be,
That THAT, IS the real me?
Maybe I really do must
Have to give in to my flaming lust?
Maybe I'm different then them...
Oh, please help me, Hashem!

The light came shining right through
The darkness that did surround you,
the light did not come from on high
It came from your heart's holy cry,
It came from within your pure soul,
The desire to be holy, your goal,
And you grew greater than the temptation
As you embodied the WINNER of the generation!

My friend, you've made some amazing strides,
Thank you for sharing the ride,
Keep sharing each step in your sojourn
As the fire in your heart continues to BURN!!!

With much admiration,
Your friend,
Eerie

wow wow wow!!

getting rid of that gmail........ 
thats really something.
we can stop "doing it" but we hold on to the last connection, because as the YH tells us "your really Shayach to this any ways so youll take your break, but save the stuff for later when you come back from vacation".

and the learning to cope not only when we're soaring but also in face of the challenges is really morah'dig

i really stand in awe.

Eerie, you are amazing! Such great writing! I should try it too, I think I have slight trauma from writing poems for my wife, getting no feedback from her...

frank.lee wrote on 22 Jan 2024 09:19:

Ouch, 
Over here we give feedback 
Sometimes it can be negative though - be careful what you wish for

Just as an update - As I mentioned in a previous post, I recently discovered a loophole in an app I have on my flip phone which enabled me have access to google search, and from there I can access any website. That's right! Totally unfiltered internet right at my fingertips, on my phone which I carry around with me all day (except for when I'm in the yoshon ofc...)

I've been slipping and sliding around with it quite a bit. To actually access the browser takes a few steps. You have to click here, then there then a few more clicks here and there. I find myself taking the first step... then exiting. An hour or so later I'll open the app again and try again. This time I'll get even closer. Then I close it. Open. Close. Open. Close. I'm actually watching myself in fascination at how back and forth I can go. It almost seems silly, yet here I am - the clown himself.

The simple solution here is to delete the app. However, due to some very interesting technical issues with my phone, I am unable to uninstall apps at the moment. The nisayon itself delivered straight to me on a silver platter! I have reached out to a number of flip phone techies and I hope to have a solution within the next day or so.

In the meanwhile... I've been doing a lot of soul searching trying to figure out exactly what's driving me towards the acting out. KInda been unsuccessful in that. It's interesting to me how I'm not feeling strong urges or desirous tayva for watching pornography, yet I find myself almost sucked in and just going through the motions to access the browser.

Trying hard to use this tekufa as a zman of shteiging and growing. Knowing that there is a solution to be able to uninstall this app, and just waiting for the guy to email me back with the correct instructions means that I know that there is an end to this particular struggle in the very near future. I keep thinking about the gemara about palti that when the time came to return michal to david, palti was crying over the nisayon that had just ended and the opportunity of growth that was no longer available to him. Trying my hardest to really look at this struggle as an opportunity for growth... although I doubt I'll be crying when it ends.

Going to end off with a "public" kabala - that instead of using the app for when it's needed and then risking the slipping and sliding, I'm just not going to access the app at all. I'll keep you guys posted.

Thanks to all the guys who keep checking up on me over the past few days. It means so much to me to see how you guys really care! 

Dear IWLR, my truly dear friend,
I forgot the poem with these words to end:

Although you are holding at this place in your story,
You have not yet revealed your complete glory,
The last chapter is unwritten as of yet,
I can only imagine how far you'll get,
There'll still be some mountains, and some vales,
You'll keep writing your book with unreal REAL tales,
And we'll be here beside you, to watch as you grow,
As you live realer and realer, up and up you do go!!!

iwannalivereal wrote on 22 Jan 2024 14:29:

My friend, you are AMAZING! Totally unreal!
I vehemently disagree with your characterization of yourself. You have done amazing things, but do you think for one minute that the YH forgot about you? That you're job on this world in these inyanim is done? It's not. And you were presented with a nisayon. You are BH not suffering from terrible urges, but you do have habits. Habits that were seared into your mind throughout the years. Can that be what's driving you? And now you have the opportunity to change those habits, to uproot them. And you are doing so! Every time you want to click there and you don't you are teaching yourself a new way of acting. And you are growing. You are changing. You are announcing to yourself "I DON'T WANT THIS!!!". 
If you feel the urges growing, please, my dear friend, find someone to hold onto your phone until you can fix the app
My friend, I'm impressed that you came here and shared what's going on. Keep on trucking, keep on sharing, and keep getting realer!!! (If Dr. Seuss can make up words, so can I:))

Hey There!

Just wanna remind my friend what he shared with me a few weeks ago. Something that left a tremendous impact on little me. 

I quote: "I was recently texting a GYE friend and I texted him that I am obsessed with succeeding in shmiras einayim. After hitting the send button, I realized how much I've shteiged. I used to be obsessed with checking out every single lady I could get my eyes on. I have memories of chasing a lady into the next aisle for a second look. I remember standing by the window of my house (or even for an even better angle - from the window in a shul while trying to learn) on Pesach or Sukkos when the weather's warm and checking out everyone in their nice yom tov clothing. I was quite busy with this sugya. And here I am just a few months later, and I'm texting a friend that I'm obsessed with succeeding in shmiras einayim!"

​This guy that wrote that definitely has tremendous power! U are obsessed with succeeding!!! Keep on being obsessed with that feeling! 

- Little Yiftach'l

Thanks for the chizzuk (and poem!) chevra - you guys are the greatest!

Good news here. Within minutes of posting my previous post, I got a text from one of our local flip phone techies with exact and clear instructions on how to uninstall the app that should work even with the error that I kept getting! I promptly preceded to go ahead with the instructions and bang! App uninstallation complete!

Although I didn't think I would cry - I did. I didn't cry tears from a paltidike madreiga... I didn't cry tears at the loss of the nisayon or the growth I could've gained from it in the future. I cried tears of joy at the growth that I gained from the past two weeks. The past two weeks were by far the hardest I've had since I joined GYE, and possibly the hardest two weeks of my life. I thanked Hashem for giving me the koach to continue and to overcome the nisayon, and I davened for all of you my friends on GYE. Throughout my life I didn't have the motivation and the tools to fight, and I would slide right under the nisayon as soon as the YH poked his head in. The past two weeks left me shvitzing and emotionally drained from the fighting and the battle. I came close. Mighty close. In my previous "life" if and when I would remove access to pornography it did not make me happy, rather I felt as if I was forcing myself to do something I did not want to do. This time around I was able to watch the YH dance around me and boy is he good... I'm overjoyed that he's gone! Until the next time!

Living realer

OK buddy, start helping others get clean! You are passionate and inspirational and have a lot to share.....  Not sure if it's a good idea to lecture publicly...

Hashem Help Me wrote on 24 Jan 2024 01:58:

AMEN!! 

I agree that a public Shiur Klalli might not be the best way to go. Yet if you’d hang up a blue sign in the Yoshon with the topic of this Shiur I suspect the Oilam might not walk out so fast… 

Your last few posts got me emotional. 
You are LEGION.
Keep driving the Monster truck, fueled with rocket fuel and Heilige Treiren, straight up the highest mountains …. 

Keep showing us, 
Chaim

iwannalivereal wrote on 22 Jan 2024 19:58:

My friend, I know we spoke, and I again, and I just have to tell you yet again: you are my HERO!

Tonight is כ"ג שבט - five full months of living real!

Tonight is also a day that will go down in the history book of my life. The following story to me is so unbelievable that I would not believe it had it not happened to me.

As many of you know, the past few weeks I had been struggling worse than I had been since I started my journey. All along I've been in contact with a number of wonderful friends I've made here on GYE who've helped me stay afloat. Yesterday though I started to really slide closer and closer to being out of control. I started doing things I haven't done in 5 months. Life started spinning upside down and all around...

This afternoon after playing around with the idea for a while, I came to a clear conclusion - I'm watching porn tonight. That's it. That's what I want and that's what I'll do. This was not b'geder an urge that with a bit of time it'll pass, rather this was what I wanted and that was my plan. I didn't want to get rid of my plan. I didn't want to call anyone. I didn't want to try and motivate myself out of it. This is what I wanted and this is what I'll do. I didn't make this decision without thinking. It was very much thought about, and I knew this is what I wanted. I said goodbye to my streak, and I mentally started preparing a post about my fall and a speech to give to my friends from GYE when they call (and I don't answer cuz I don't want to talk to them...)

In the middle of an ichy second seder, I decided I'll give it one more try. Over the past few days I'd been trying all sorts of stuff to try to jumpstart my motivation, yet nothing seemed to be working. I gave it one last time. I put my head down a few minutes and started thinking. I realized how excited I was about my upcoming event, and how much fun it'll be. At the same time I realized that it would be insanely hard to not do it. I was already there. I continued thinking and thinking, chazering over the various yesodos I've picked up over the last few months. After a few minutes I tapped into feeling the excitement of overcoming the YH. The more I thought about it the stronger it became until I was totally overtaken by a tremendous craving to feel that accomplishment of overcoming the YH. The craving was so strong that I knew good and well that my plans had been canceled. At that moment, with the realization that there was being no event tonight, I right away felt that simcha that comes only from overcoming the YH.

To me today goes down in history. Until 5 months ago I didn't believe there was any solid mehalech to beat this YH. I then learned that there are tools to work on motivation, and there are tools to work on willpower and holding back even for when the motivation gets shvach. Today I had a completely empty tank in both. However, I learned that even when running on completely empty it is still possible to come back up.

Although I mentioned in an earlier post that I had deleted my last gmail accounts, I still had a few other SM accounts that needed to be closed and that had been niggling me the past few days. I decided that for tonights event, I'm going to delete those last few accounts. I spoke to R' Eerie and we decided that I'll do it with him on the phone as an extra shmira to make sure I don't slide in during those moments.

Raboisai - here I am free of all accounts that have tried to destroy me over the years. הודו לד' כי טוב כי לעולם חסדו.

Here's to 5 months of living realer than real!

Congratulations!!!!! This is so amazing and so real. I guess there is hope for all of us.