As Bein Hazmanim slowly comes to an end, I'm pretty sure that this has been the most productive one in quite a number of years. Ever since Bein Hazmanim existed in my life, I had always tried using them for various different limudim, yet I would almost never get anywhere near the goals I had set for myself. The obsession I had with porn would take over in a way that I had no time to focus on much else. During the years that the devices around me were filtered well, I'd spend hours trying to get past them, and during the years the devices were unfiltered... well you know what I'd spend my time with.

This year has been a year of change and of growth for me. I have learned how to have a fiery motivation to succeed in this struggle, and I have learned various tools to overcome the intense desire for that oh so sweet pleasure of pornography.

For the first time in my life I actually enjoyed bein hazmanim. Bein hazmanim always had this bittersweet taste in my mouth because I knew of what would probably end up happening. This year I came into Bein hazmanim with the confidence that it would be different. I don't have to fall, and I don't have to watch pornography.

One of the things that definitely helped my enjoy bein hazmanim this year more than others was the ability to shmooz with GYE friends. I spent hours on the phone shmoozing away with some of my favorite people, and I also had the chance to meet a few guys in person. Thanks friends let's keep on trucking together!

Ashrecha!

For those that are familiar with my life story... At this time last year I was watching porn daily. The main device I had always used was an unfiltered laptop which got filtered towards the beginning of my story. See here! At some point though, another device entered my life and spiraled me into a deeper darker place than my daily porn watching.

My wife and I went away and we needed a waze device. A well meaning family member offered theirs to us. Little did we know that this was no waze device, it was a regular unfiltered smart phone that was no longer needed. On our trip we did use it for waze, however when we got home and tried returning it... i'm not exactly sure what happened but the relative didn't need/ want it back. And so it sat in our house for a bit... Eventually I started using it for my "personal needs" and life started spiraling and spinning out of control.

When I started putting my life back together this past year yomim noraim time I filtered my laptop. The smartphone however was there to stay. Try as I could, I just couldn't figure out how to get it returned to it's owner. I couldn't smash it... and I wasn't able to give it back... complicating details... For all that remember, I had a few day really rough tekufa a few months ago. See here! The almost fall that I had during that tekufa was with this device. Chasdei Hashem I survived that tekufa and came up with a plan to temporarily neutralize the device. (Thank you eerie!!!) I've since brought up various "return to sender" options with my wife, yet they somehow never materialized.

Last week with no warning, we suddenly got a phone call from the owner - we need the phone back. Today, the phone left my reshus (hopefully) never to return. I am absolutely overjoyed as although I know that nisyonos can always pop up from (almost) no where, this device brought me an amazing amount of destruction. חסדי ד' כי לא תמנו כי לא כלו רחמיו.

2 personal accomplishments that I am proud of:

1) As I mentioned, I only neutralized the device temporarily. What I did was I snipped the wire, and I didn't have any other wires at home that charged that particular device. I could have quite easily bought a new wire to charge the device, yet I didn't. The device remained dead as a doornail for months straight.

2) I am 100% sure, that had we gotten such a phone call a year ago when I was still heavily using the device, I would have been absolutely devastated. I still remember the feeling of picking up the phone and finding it dead... the pain of having to wait until it charged enough to turn on was absolutely horrific. Had that phone been taken away from me it would have been literally terrible. Yet here I am a year later and I'm absolutely overjoyed with the removal of this phone from my property! When I take a step back and realize just how much I've changed since giving it all I got, I am blown away!

You are a legend that never fails to inspire me. KOMT!!!!!

Wow! What a story!
Kol hakavod to you my friend! Keep inspiring us all!

The joy of realizing that change is actually possible is only exceeded by the joy one experiences when he learns he has actually changed. 

לחיים!
מלכות שבנצח!!

Beautiful post and inspiring as usual! So many things to learn from this story.

Ps. I know this isn't relevant to you but I'm just putting it out there for others to see it. My wife and I went on vacation a couple of months ago and we needed Waze so I borrowed a smartphone from someone – I knew it was unfiltered – my wife didn’t want us to borrow it but I told her that we would lock the phone with a password that she will create. She agreed. It worked, and the phone was with us for a week without any glitches as I couldn’t unlock it. This idea might not be for everyone but if it does it can make these occasional devices safer.

Exactly 9 months ago was the last time I watched pornography. I am now 9 months free of this garbage! What an adventure this has been. What started as (another) experimental try to stop acting out, turned into a full scale operation to work on myself and change myself in a way that I never could have imagined was possible.

I've learned how to work on motivation - something I desperately needed, and I learned tools with which to overcome the struggle. I came from watching pornography on a daily basis and deriving a "needed" pleasure from that to being able to live life without the constant need for the pleasure.

I've made quite a number of close friends through GYE and could not have done nothin without each one of them!

There was something that I had wanted to write on my post bein hazmanim post, yet I had an uncomfortable feeling writing it. Since then I've been thinking about it a bunch and now understand things a bit clearer. I wanted to write that as opposed to every bein hazmanim of my life where I had tremendous struggles (and always fell hard) this bein hazmanim was easy. I felt uncomfortable writing this, first of all it's just not nice to say that this struggle is easy when there are many guys out there who are absolutely miserable and feel there's no way out. Second of all, I myself know that it can happen, and has happened in the very recent past that it was not at all easy for me to stay away.

However, I've now come to a better clarity in this "hergesh" and feel comfortable saying that bein hazmanim was very easy for me. And I'll explain... you see, had I woken up one day and all of a sudden it was easy, then I would feel a bit uneasy making such a claim. However that's not even close to what happened. I was so deeply involved in what I was doing that it had taken over my life. Subconsciously (but quite clearly) I had some pretty wild "life dreams" in this sugya. I was pretty dead set on what I was doing and trying to accomplish. Yanking myself out of that "world" was honestly one of the hardest things I've ever done. To say that what I did THEN was easy would be a big fat lie cuz it really really wasn't.

Another nekuda is that when I say that bein hazmanim was easy for me, I don't mean that when faced with a struggle I had an easy time overcoming it, rather what I mean is that I barely was tempted to act out, and the idea of trying to find pornography didn't even occur to me. This is different than every other bein hazmanim of my life where I'd wake up every morning thinking - here goes, another long day with many opportunities to act out. This changeover as well did not happen by waking up on the right side of the bed each day of bein hazmanim. I attribute this to the hard work I've put into changing internally. I used to believe that the greatest thing in the world was deriving this pleausure, and so it was only natural that I'd wake up in the morning thinking that all time that I had that day should be used towards fulfilling my "needs". I've now learnt and internalized that it's quite the opposite - staying away from this tayva is from the greatest feelings in the world. And so, when waking in the morning, it was only natural that my day didn't include any plans of pornography. This is one of the biggest things I've gained since joining GYE - Of course, with certain triggers or stress the feelings of looking for an escape can grow mighty and then it's taka quite hard to overcome them, however my general life goals and regular day to day stuff no longer include this tayva.

All the best!

Wow! תשעה ירחי לידה. Reborn anew to a real life of purity, clarity and devotion to 'ה! Mazel Tov!!!
מחייב את כל מי שאומר שאי אפשר לההפך לבן חורין IWLR ,הִלֵּל מְחַיֵּיב אֶת הָעֲנִיִּים, רַבִּי אֶלְעָזָר בֶּן חַרְסוֹם מְחַיֵּיב אֶת הָעֲשִׁירִים, יוֹסֵף מְחַיֵּיב אֶת הָרְשָׁעִים
You are a role model for all of us in how to live life!!!

Mazel tov!

your thread has been remarkably inspiring given the similarity in lives we lead, and you’re lucky enough to be working on this at your age and not waiting until mine….

the RBSO should bentch you with unlimited brachah, hatzlacha, and continued excellence in living real!

Muttel

Somehow, I have this habit of missing the party. My dear friend and seriously real inspiration, you literally brought tears to my eyes! I've had the zechus to know you for 9 months now, though I feel like I know you forever. And I know just s drop of how much effort you put in! How you gave this all your amazing koichois. My friend, be proud of yourself. You have so much to be proud of! And keep sharing with us!

Today will be 10 months since I've started this journey here on GYE, and almost 300 days clean!

Not much to write about this month... some regular ups and downs nothing too extreme and nothing too scary b"h.

One particularly proud moment I had this month was when I went to a chasuna and needed to go shmooz with my grandmother who was parked deep in the ladies section. My wife brought me over to where she was sitting and I stood there shmoozing for a good 10 minutes... yet she was the only lady I saw. Somehow the fact that there were quite a few women that I could have easily "checked out" just didn't have the power to pull me out of what I really wanted to do.

I did have the chance this month to make a few more GYE acquaintances, and even had one in my house!

IWLR

You are a hero and a gift to all of us who always inspires. The way you've taken your own struggles and helped so many people online and (more importantly) offline is astounding. It is a privilege and honor to know you.

Honorable IWLR,

i'm not sure why it took me this long to go through your thread, an incredible journey!
you are full of strength and determination, your commitment shows in the real life you are evidently living.
thank you for showing that change is doable, that work is needed and that there's pleasure in being a non porner.
it was very emotional reading through your posts, the excitement and happiness of reaching new heights, the very real fear of falling, and the clear understanding of what you want, which brought to your commitment to live real.

oh and also, kudos for the movement you got started in lakewood!

last but not least, i almost forgot, huge shoutout on 300 plus!! weather it'll be donuts or hamantashen, mazal tov mazal tov!!

i hope you continue w tremendous hatzlacha, and keep inspiring.
best,
horizon

Today will be 11 months since I've started my journey!

Summer months are always harder out on the streets... For me (thanks to 11 months of working on this) when I'm walking around I have fairly good control, I can walk through crowded stores with barley seeing anyone I don't want to see. It's when I'm driving that I somehow can't keep my eyes off the sidewalks and the hustle and bustle around me. Any eitzas would be greatly appreciated (other than taking off my glasses!)

Happens to be that I had a schedule change this month that has significantly minimized my nisyonons in shmiras einayim. Since the beginning of this school year, I had been picking up and dropping off my kid in a place that is absolutely teeming with hundreds of morahs. I'd often have to stand there for 5 to 10 minutes waiting with non stop "action" all around me. B"h I had lots of siyatta dishmaya, but it was not easy. As the school year ended and camp began I am no longer doing drop off or pick up. Included this, was not only did I no longer have to stand in a makom nisayon on a daily basis, I also don't have to get in my car most days due to this schedule change!

Living real and living on!