Ah! Shkoach R' Chaim!!!

Day 2:
B'h residual urges diminishing slowly. Since I fell davening has been a big drain for me particularly with Chanuka and Rosh Chodesh (shoutout to Bright) - so yes, R' Chaim it's nice to hear that the aibishter is standing over my little ladder.

I hope I will make Him proud.

hechochma wrote on 14 Dec 2023 06:04:

Sometimes I think about how Dovid Hamelech had a mostly-wretched life. Then say Hallel. Reads different…. 

(I hope that you will see what there is to make yourself proud. )

Rung at a time, babe. 

מאן דבעי חיים 

Day 3:
Thanks for the chizuk R' Chaim!

Bh, I had a wonderful day thanks in part to an earlier bedtime, as well as the wonderful shmooze I had with True Self and another wonderful Yid from GYE.
But thanks in full to Hashem.

I mentioned to you R' Chaim one time that R' Yisrael says that the most intense desire that a person has is to live. R' Noach Weinberg added in that vein that one of the most intense pleasures that a person has is the pleasure of being alive. People will do anything to avoid being unfeeling - just to feel, to feel anything. There are fear junkies, emos, drug addicts (depending which drugs) etc (including us).

But the truth is that when you have a good clean day - you feel the simple pleasure of being alive. It's striking. It's exhilirating. Being alive is an intense experience of excitement - unless it's so overwhelmingly flooded with unchecked emotions, lust, and guilt.

Feeling that life is incredible. I don't feel it often - but to me the feeling of chasing lust doesn't hold a candle to the feeling of actually feeling life. Sometimes the truth shines like a bolt of lightning - perhaps the moment after it will be dark again, but I hope to capture a bit of that אור הגנוז that shines through the לו נרות right here tonight.

A lechtegen Chanuka and a gitten kvittel!!!

The flashes of lightening sometimes illuminate the dark forest just long enough for us to see where the path we've lost is....

Yes, LIFE. Exactly. That's what I have found here. 
The flashes last longer, as we learn and grow to experience what its all about...

I am,
Chaim Oigen

Have a Gut Shabbos - Menucha Visimcha!

chaimoigen wrote on 15 Dec 2023 15:48:

Now this signoff was exceptionally witty!

Day 5:
Bh had a wonderful shabbos with no major events - I told my wife about GYE and b'h it went rather smoothly altogether. Big thanks to all those who advised me on how to pull that off - it came in handy when I all of a sudden had to tell my wife!!!

Day 6:

After a jittery antsy Motzei Shabbos, came a bleak grey Sunday.
That Sunday had a tired, late morning and a fruitless early afternoon.
That fruitless early afternoon brought with it doubts about my productivity this zman and my life choices.
Those doubts brought about contemplations of the meaningfulness or pointlessness of my existence.
And all this before Mincha.

Tov Hashem Lakol - he created GYE and the awesome crew here. HHM got me to laugh at myself and I shlepped into second Seder against the impaired judgment of my overthinking mind. I came out somewhat more accomplished and less contemplative.

Bh, connected with a few other buddies from here over the night - and I'm in a much better place!
Turns out - I don't need to get rid of the jitters and the ponders by pondering just a bit more -
and, no YKW, I don't either need a pensieve!!!

Just some good ole buddies from GYE and a little toil in Torah!

hechochma wrote on 18 Dec 2023 03:03:

Oy, how I can relate to these kinds of thoughts...

Sharing a song that came to mind:

"The Cat in the Hat"

"Very well. I'm a punk. A crotunculous shnunk!

Nobody loves me.....not one tiny hunk

I agree; I'm a gripulous, gropulous groo. I'm a shmoozler, a shmingler, and a foo-poobler too!

I'm a horrendous object, which nobody loves. I'm untouchable, unless you wear anti-sceptical gloves.

So what? I'm a punk! A crotunculous shnunk!

Nobody loves me.....not one tiny hunk. I'm a punk."

Hechochma, glad you snapped out of it! 

Keep on shining, you're a beacon of strength and courage for us all...

Definitely Gryffindor. 

youknowwho wrote on 18 Dec 2023 05:31:

Tom, it may be dangerous to tell you this, but if you’d have met him you’d know that the guy has a lightning-shaped scar on his forehead….

chaimoigen wrote on 18 Dec 2023 23:53:

Oh no!!!

“…Neither can live while the other survives…”

Oh well…

Dinner, Nagini….

youknowwho wrote on 19 Dec 2023 03:14:

i think half the forum is cracking up from all of this, and the other half is not sure what in the world is going on.

on a more serious note, is r‘ cords hagrid, or mad eye moody?

Is that even a serious question? He is Darth Vader.

ainshumyeiush wrote on 19 Dec 2023 04:02:

ASY, I know, I sometimes worry the “other half” will meet me in a dark alley one day…but no worries, Moldy Voldy shall always return…

As for your thoughtful question: 

I used to think Hagrid, though now leaning more towards Mad Eye. Can’t you just see Cordnoy “teaching”  Draco Malfoy by turning him into a mouse? 

But I hear, it’s a tough one!

Okay, we’d better get back to talking about shmiras einaim, light, darkness, aloneness, Mikva night, bikinis, sexy pictures, fish tanks, morbidity, filters and single girl pilegesh shailos. 

It’s what we are here for, it is the task at hand…

Wait, did someone just say Task?!

Holy mackerel!
Gentlemen - thanks for keeping things exciting while I was busy being a disaster.
Day 7:
I fell at the end of yesterday - despite all the help from everyone I reached out to.

I have a few lame excuses and a few decent excuses for falling - but nothing to protect me from suffering the consequences of screwing up.

A lot of wisdom has been shared with me by the wise men of GYE today.

1. I was whacked me so hard over my head I think I have a concussion.

2. I got my eyes opened to the painful and powerful truth that I have blinded myself to for the last few weeks.

3. I got chizuk and camaraderie.

4. I got wonderful practical advice.

You guys are all legends and it's fascinating how so many different people can give so many different words of chizuk, yet I can't imagine I would sit here and write about my upcoming flight to freedom without any one of them.

Here is the plan friends.

1. I am going all in. I need this to be unchecked. Not looking over my shoulder. Not considering, not clerring - just trucking with the absolute conviction that I am now going to give it everything I got and never watch porn again. Nekuda.

Will it suck if I fall after I hope so hard? Who cares? I'm not going to fall.

2. I will beef up my filter.

3. No internet after 11:45. I just bought an app called Freedom - which I hope will help with my flight to freedom - I currently have 5 minutes left to write this post. I need to give the password to my wife still. It works to limit internet too but I set it to block it from 11:45 to 9 am

4. No news besides headlines.

5. Always make a plan before hanging up with a friend. I have this stupid optimistic tendency to get on the phone with someone from here - shmooze and talk about the immediate future and how life sucks, get into a better place, succeed at the next thing, and then slip back into yuckiness.
I need to have a plan through the end of the day when I am struggling.

YIKES ITS 11:44 - I'll be back!!!

chaimoigen wrote on 18 Dec 2023 23:53:

Perhaps the common denominator between me and HP is that I am zoche to be helped along by the one and only Dumbledore ;-) (Cords this is your cue to puke.)

@bright - L O L

I think Cords preferred Mad-eye but hey you can pick your friends but you can't pick the fictional character GYE nominates you for!!!

youknowwho wrote on 18 Dec 2023 05:31:

Loved this!

I'm not sure if you have greater potential as an HP comedian or Dr. Seuss for the lonely-minded!