ainshumyeiush wrote on 03 Oct 2023 01:53:

Chazak! I think that the intensity of your emotions are testament to the fact that this isn't just a phase - you're in this to actually change, this time. Change is hard and the prospect of committing to it is frightening, because it feels so huge.

Practically, it helps to focus and plan for the immediate challenges you know you will face. How you are going to deal with what is likely to arise for the rest of Chol Hamoed, first. Then Yom Tov. Then you plan for the period until Yeshiva starts again, etc. Not losing sight of the larger goal, but zeroing in on what it your commitment means for today, makes it more doable and less daunting. I know this is obvious, but actually sitting down and making a plan is a game-changer. You're probably doing this already, but figured I'd make the point...   

Another point - I think that part of what's so hard about the first post, the first conversation, is because it means breaking the "alternate reality" of secrecy and coming face to face, in the real world, with the reality of what you need to change, and how you really feel about it. You've done that part, and you deserve to give yourself credit for it. It's a tremendous step forward on a new path to healing.  

Stay here, please. Keep posting. Write to us about the cycle of emotions as you discover them, I think you'll find the words. 
And we will be the better for reading them. 

A Gutten Kvittle, my friend. 
You'll move mountains!
Warmly, 
Chaim Oigen

Thanks, i actually have not planned out how I'm going to be spending my time. I've just been vaguely planning, like read more books, play more guitar, and stuff like that. so ill defenently plan it out a little better.

I find it kind of ironic, all this emotions talk coming from the guy who jokes about keeping his emotions in a shoebox under his bed....
But here we are. I guess this is where i let my guard down. 
but sometimes i feel like i want to go looking for something to see/watch. Not because im triggered. 
im not really sure why. 
its more of an ‘itch‘ than an urge. 
it could just be myself being annoyed that i cant do whatever i want... even though i know that using porn is actually doing something i dont want to do. Maybe its the feeling of being restricted that's making me uneasy. Even though i know that freedom from porn is real freedom and using porn is being trapped in a cycle that's hard to escape. 
damn. I wish i never found porn. But i cant undo that day. So i guess i have to start my life from now. Now that i have a porn problem, what am i going to do about it.  

Or a different thought, it could be that its a reaction to the stress/boredom/whatever of day to day life. And my brain has been programmed into using the rush of dopamine from porn as a way to break up the monotony.
and now i cant use it so i feel anxious about that.
but in reality im just experiencing life the way people who dont use porn do. I have conclusive proof that the human race has been able to exist before porn came around so it cant be that bad...
hopefully once my brain realizes that porn is not an option and i have to live life without a porn rush to ‘enhance‘ my day, this feeling will stop coming. 
i assume that's what all you vets are talking about when you say it gets easier 

I feel that i should also take some time to point out the positive parts of my taking on to quit, seeing as i keep pointing out the confusing parts...
i noticed that im much more at peace with myself, i wish i could say its a deep inner peace coming from doing what's right, but that's not it
every time i see someone else in my family using the computer, i no longer panic and try to remember if i made sure to use a private tab and close the tab when i finished
i no longer wake up in a panic that i might have forgotten about putting back/hiding any devices that i used
Ive been waking up (relatively) on time because im not up until 3/4 every night
i dont freak out whenever i here someone coming up to my room
i can actually enjoy time spent with friends and family without thinking about getting away to go online 
im not constantly thinking of justification for why i spend so much time in my room
i dont have to think if i made sure my family saw me during the day, so they wont get suspicious
tthese are all just the external benefits that Ive noticed, i know for sure that there's more for me to experience as time goes on and i no longer lead a double life.
good shabbos and yom Tov everybody 

Anybody else ever have those moments where you're thinking about gye, and then you think to yourself "what the hell am i doing on a website dedicated to helping frum people who struggle with porn and sex problems?!?" 
and why is everybody talking so openly about all of this?!?

i guess Ive distanced myself emotionally from my issues for years and now that i have to face them as my self [my real self] it seems so weird.
anybody relate?

ainshumyeiush wrote on 09 Oct 2023 01:33:

I can't say I've ever felt that way about GYE. On the flip side, when schmoozing in shul with other guys who obviously use porn etc, talking about anything but, I sometimes can't help but think, "Why the hell are we pretending this problem doesn't exist?!"

Of course, I know "why," but still, why?

connected wrote:

i meant it both ways, that sometimes the whole porn thing seems so removed from us. like i've had moments of clarity where i think "what am I doing? porn? me? what? and now its the same thing only why am i here? is this really something i need to do?
i guess its just so distant from our better selves that when we're up it seems like we cant understand ourselves when we're low, if that makes any sense

I'm writing this right after a fall. I don't know what to say. Sorry guys

After some introspection, I think i've gained some clarity on why i feel a need to use porn.
I think it may be a way for me to not feel alone. last night for example, i was feeling very alone disappointed/rejected and also worried about my friends over in israel (mostly bocherim in Jerusalem, but also some guys in moshavs and settlements)
i think that i turn to porn as a way to feel 'connected', because in real life, i don't always feel like i can connect (on a deeper level) with a lot of people.
i also keep my emotions suppressed more often than not.
i could go on a tangent about where these issues come from, but that wont help me, and i dont want to bore all of you.
I'm not sure how i'm supposed to use this newfound information, so if anybody has any suggestions please let me know.

[and no. i don't think marriage will solve the connection issues, so im not going to scam myself by saying that]

Yes i did have a fall last night, and yes I should have reached out to someone before it came to that, but right now I'm going to focus on what i need to do to beat this. I only started the battle of the generation last week, and i haven't been consistent about the f2f program. Hopefully with time, working through those things and speaking to the people here, ill gain the clarity and knowledge i need to break free.

ainshumyeiush wrote on 10 Oct 2023 17:07:

You should use it by forgettin' it. There can be 83,000 reasons to view porn, and some of them may even make some kinda sick sense, but none of them will get you anywhere fast.

Godspeed

My question was more what can i do to address these issues so that i dont turn to porn to deal with them. And yes i know that there's still going to need to be serious willpower involved, but it definitely cant hurt to remove some pulls. My question wasn't if these are valid reasons  for not quitting. There's no such thing.

You mean like replacing the hole porn is filling?

Reading through your stream of posts is inspiring. There's a lot of genuine thought, realization, and honesty going on in your head and heart. Keep writing and sharing, please! I'm inspired by your Avoda.

A few comments:

1. Recognizing the practical benefits of a clean life is terrifically important. The fact that it doesn't sound lofty and uplifting to be glad to not have to lie and worry or similar doesn't mean that it isn't real and true and incredibly helpful. Simple truths and actions are a lot more powerful than philophosizin', anyways. I think that is how Cordnoy would say it.

2. Yes, I understand what you are talking about regarding a sense of unreality about being here. There's a strong aversion to dealing with the reality of one's "dark side" in the light of day. I think it's all part of the "alternate universe" that we create that enables a person to live a life in which he has goals, lofty aspirations, heartfelt Tefilla, etc, and then he goes upstairs and unzippers his pants... And come back down a little while later and rejoin his Chavrusa.

Saying "Hi, I'm Chaim and I do X,Y, and Z" is excruciating, because it puts both parts together into one true reality. A spotlight of truth in which you have to face yourself, the good, and the ugly, and still keep living. It's a huge step towards healing. Talking to someone real, openly, about everything is the next step in this.
Read Dov's "Captain Kirk" post here https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/124072-Dov-Quotes#124073

3. Cordnoy's point is well taken, that it doesn't do to dwell needlessly on your deeper motivations for misbehavior, as much as what you want to do about making good choices. But I also think your point is very important, too. Understanding which situations trigger an "itch", or a need to go looking, can be critical in understanding what will lead to a challenge. And not only can it help you in proactively avoiding problems, knowing where you have a hole in your heart, as Bright was saying, can help you look for real and good ways to fill it.... 
I know what you're talking about, friend. 

And I know that ugly itch, too.
Hang in there, you're a good man.  

Chaim

@chaimoigen, thanks. Im not always really sure what im posting or feeling so your post is amazing for clarifying what i feel