Hi all fellow strugglers and ex strugglers, 
I'm a first time poster although long time member of GYE. 

I'm married and happy enough... Really try and work on my shmiras einayim and often for long periods of time I'm successful 

A while ago I was working away from home in a different city and my marriage wasn't so great at the time and I started seeing zoinis. I used to be in such a turmoil about it and would mamish feel ill driving to meet up with one... But I was nichshol so many times and I would hate myself and feel terrible for ages afterwards 

But then guess what, a while later I was back at it... 

BH after a few years I got a new job working nearer to home and I hoped that this was the end. Oh no... The YH had other ideas... I kept going with it...

Bkitzur I'm still struggling with this addiction. It's something that (in the clear light of day) makes me feel sickened and hate what I've done... 

But when the lust descends I am almost like a different person. I won't listen to reason... 

I have made a promise to myself last time that I would watch a vayimoein video before I did anything that day... 

Sometimes it works but other times (like today) it didn't.... 

Tachlis I want to kick this behaviour out of my life along with all the other BS like porn and cams but.... 

I'm hoping that being an active member here will help me to be more aware of when my YH is about to take over because it really does feel like I have a split personality. 

What I'm also so sad about is that unfortunately I've done it so many times that its almost like 'naaseh lo kheter' 

I don't even feel ill going anymore. Just guilty afterwards. 

I need to stop this before it destroys my marriage, my job and my Parnossa and of course how can I have any kind of relationship with Hashem when we know how much he hates this kind of behaviour... 

Feeling like any support would be appreciated 

Anyone who can give me help - please comment below. 

Thank you

Wow! I hurts me to read about your struggles. But am happy that you made the right decision to reach out here.

Although I cant relate directly to your challenge, I can relate to wanting to kick certain things out of my life and just deleting the past. Unfortunately, deleting doesn’t happen and kicking can sometimes really hurt.

Please hang around, stay strong, post whenever needed. Theres lots of love and support here.

Welcome. Let's hope this step that you've taken will be the beginning of a great true recovery. 

I would suggest reaching gout over here https://guardyoureyes.com/live

• Always saying "this will be the last time," yet you're stuck in the same loop?
• Constantly feeling like you're juggling two lives and dreading exposure?

If you can relate, the 12-Step Program could be your road to recovery.

Hi Yoely, Thank you for taking the step to post about your struggles. We are all here because we struggle with something in this general arena, and we can support each other with some understanding. I have found since beginning to post that I have been able to maintain my recovery better. It has opened me to friends and mentors, and allowed me to acknowledge my problems and come to terms with them. I hope it is the same for you.

Hi Holy!

Welcome!!

Putting your struggle out there is hard and is a great first step.

I find exercising regularly to be extraordinarily helpful in keeping urges a little less intense. Working out sort of replaces the feeling of sexual arousal in a way. It has been a different world since I started.

The connection and support on GYE is helpful as well. Keep posting and responding and you will feel part of it and meet amazing people. I enjoy the live chat feature as well .

Take a look at my thread and how not ready I was to change at all, and now bchasdei Hashem I am clean for 49 days.

Looking forward to hearing more from you!

Yoeli,

Very relatable. It's a tough nut to crack, as it is extremely enticin'.

The regular advice I will not give you, but you can PM me and let's coordinate a time to talk please, if you want, no pressure.

Thank you and Godspeed

yitz23 wrote on 12 Jun 2023 16:46:

I am goin' to go out on a limb here and explain what Yoeli perhaps may be goin' thru and why this advice will not be helpin' him. (I am not sayin' not to give it, for all we can do is try with the tools that we have.)

Hypothetical: a fellow in the past had struggles regardin' intimacy with wife, masturbated and watched porn. Eventually, this led to massages and prostitutes. Now, he is older and life has settled down basically (he doesn't need distractions to avoid masturbation and porn), yet, whenever he plans a trip alone or finds himself alone, the allure and gravity-pull towards some type of sex with a live woman grabs a hold of him and does not let go. He may be told that it's too much money and he can't afford it, he may hear about the diseases that can be caught and transmitted, he might get busted by the cops or feds, he may become aware that some of these folk can turn his life upside down by postin' about him or sendin' his picture to his wife; all that, and it still won't stop him. It won't even stop him if any of those thin's even actually happen. 

Does the above paragraph apply to watchin' porn or masturbatin'? Somewhat, but not entirely. Why? For there is always the bathroom or closet or office, and most of the time, somethin' to delay or procrastinate.

But maybe if he sets up chavrusos on phone while he's away and strict guidelines on curfew and a chastity belt.... Yep, maybe. Maybe not.

Does this mean that he is doomed? Does this mean that he must join SA? No.

I may be wrong about this fellow and perhaps the hypothetical doesn't speak to him or to any of you, but perhaps there is some validity there and somethin' to think about. I know I must.

Godbless

Been there and done that

 it hurts

 but reaching out for support and discovering which tools work for you will help

 also a heaping triple dose of patience

 exercise seems  to help a lot

 doing 100 jumping jacks before going into the car “on a trip” can help break the mood

you might feel dumb doing jumping jacks in front of your car but worse if you end up at your desination 

One thing that helped me that might not be possible for everybody is to stop working where I was working though it’s giving me access to these places and I actually ended up working from home

cordnoy wrote on 12 Jun 2023 17:07:


Cordnoy this is one of those times when I just can't seem to follow what you are trying to express...

Any chance we get you to rephrase so that the less poetic-minded among us can follow the conversation?

yitz23 wrote on 12 Jun 2023 17:47:

I actually didn't think I was bein' poetic with that post. 

Can you ask a question or two please on what I wrote and I will try to elaborate?

Thanks

You seem to be saying that soliciting sex involves risks, and even those risks do not stop our friend Yoeli, and that porn and masturbating are very accessible.

I agree fully to both of those points, but I don't see how that is directly related to these strategies for avoiding unwanted sexual behaviors...

yitz23 wrote on 12 Jun 2023 17:59:

I don't know Yoely; I was hypothesizin'.

For this post, I will stick to the desire of bein' with a live woman when one is on a trip or alone. By the way, there was a thread dedicated to this exact thin' - I believe it is called Road Warriors; may have been started by Neshamah-in-Charge.

Jumpin' jacks, chavrusos, curfews, chopsticks will not (might not) change the course of action that a fellow has in mind. It (the cravin' to be with a live woman) possesses him to such an extent that mere distractions don't do the trick. That is the gist of my words.

Got it thanks!

hi holy yoely, fellow struggler here. welcome to the forums! it's a great place.

i'm sorry you're struggling this much.
it seems you're aware of where you're holding, and you are consciously working on winning this battle. even if only slowly, 'a journey of a thousand miles begins w one step'.
hatzlacha on continued growth!

HolyYoely wrote on 12 Jun 2023 15:17:


Welcome, 
Would advise you to reach out to Dov - wequithiding@gmail.com 
Keep on posting and sharing