It looks like i actually can't do it. I fell again yesterday and today, My wife doesn't yet know and I still don't know how I'm going to tell her. Nor did I have the strength to tell my accountability partner when he called me today. There seems to be no end to this struggle, I would like to give up but because I'm married I can't afford it, life won't be easier if i just give up. I find it that especially in this time of the year I fall even more... also when I feel confident that I will stay clean forever and that the urges have kind of left me, it backfires within the coming few days. In this case I believe that the erev yom tov stress etc. and all other stress, plus that I found a way to once again view inappropriate stuff, has caused me to fall. I would push of yom tov with a few days if I could of.

Hoping to get over this very soon and dust off once again and hopefully forever.

Wishing you all a wholesome simchas yom tov!!!

Ouch!

Why would you tell her about your fall?

true_self wrote on 29 Sep 2023 12:37:

Sorry to hear.

Posts like this are usually an indicator that real recovery steps are necessary.

Godspeed in figurin' that out what those actions may be.

Heeling wrote on 29 Sep 2023 12:53:

I told her already, and she actually asked me what's going on so there was no way for me to hide it anyway, and i knew this is going to happen as this is always what ends up to happen, the one time that I did try to hide it, it ended up very badly... so I learnt from my mistake by now, This might not be the right thing for everyone to do, but for me this is what works best.

cordnoy wrote on 29 Sep 2023 13:06:

Thank god I've noticed the indicator already and took actions for recovery.
I also got rid of the device that caused me to fall now and almost all previous times.

Sorry about what you're going through. I've been there for many years. Keeping on falling, thinking and believing that is who I am, that I will always be falling. BH today I am a different person.  You will get there too.

Have you spoken to HHM?

true_self wrote on 01 Oct 2023 11:36:

Nice.

Care to share please the recovery actions taken?

true_self wrote on 29 Sep 2023 12:37:

My dear friend, we are here for you. Your steps for recovery are important, they are necessary, and beH you will see the results of your efforts. And we are here to stand at your side in whatever way we can, to cheer you on and to celebrate beH as you extricate yourself from these things. Keep trucking and keep us posted!

cordnoy wrote on 02 Oct 2023 01:14:

Seeking professional help.

Day 12 - Some waves, pretty calm sailing right now, looking forward for calmer days here israel.

Nice!

Your smooth sailing helps the fighter jet complete its mission successfully. Remember we are at the frontlines of the battle. As a soldier We gotta be laser focused and on target. No chillin’ until the enemy is destroyed.

Keep it up,

Day 15 - Still sailing smoothly bh.

I've ordered a clicker on amazon and it will beH arrive in the coming weeks, But I can count a few major victories in the past few days, everytime I looked away I was mispalel to Hashem to protect our soldiers at the frontlines and that all those kept in captivity should return home safely.
There's a frum woman that (lately) lives in a building next to me and I pass her here and there quite often, It's very tempting for me to look at her and I was nichshal multiple times but I also managed to look away several times, today I passed her and didn't even take a second look, for me this is a huge victory!!! one step at a time.

Day 16 - Pretty relaxed and started the winter zman with new koches!

Today I went out with my wife for brunch, on the way and in the eatery there were many women that caught eyes attention, But the majority of times I had the strength to restrain myself from taking a second look, Plus I was focused most of the time not to stam look around where I didn't need to. BRAVO!!!!! Another victorious day!!!

The small doses of powerful chizuk from the vayimean clips boost in some extra energy to fight and seize those moments of temptation.

Preparing myself for tougher days as my wife's period is getting close, Smart work ahead!

All the best!

Day 17 - Waves are slightly rising - Many victories to be proud of - Hectic day - Hope to do better tomorrow.

Day 18 - עם ישראל חי! - Waves calmed down - Many victories today as well - Taking a deep breath for the upcoming days.
Going to create a plan (with a friend) of what to do when feeling down/upset/lonely...