Vehkam wrote on 29 May 2023 14:21:

I know I should read it but need some more time...
Maybe you can share some insights of what you read and found helpful?
Thanks in advance
True self.

true_self wrote on 29 May 2023 14:25:

EccentricComposer is planning to start a thread where we can discuss a chapter daily. I believe it can be beneficial. Please participate. 

the perspectives in the book changed my view on this struggle from one of trying to prevent failure to one of trying to attain greatness. in addition, reading every single day keeps my on the offensive and strengthens my self image to someone who is not subservient to my desires.

Vehkam wrote on 29 May 2023 14:36:

Sounds awesome and interesting.
Thanks
​Grant, please PM me (a link) when the thread opens
Thanks for all of you helping me here, all advice and recommendations are much appreciated.

Hey, great first post and welcome. Its truly amazing to read about your story, you are an inspiration! So happy to hear that your wife is supportive! BH for that. Gold medals not necessarily have to be a medal with a blue and red necklace, it can be a letter where you write all your feelings for her, you can treat her to a good food/drink she likes, let her sleep Shabbos afternoon without taking turns…. give her the whole afternoon……yes it can be 4 hours while taking care of the kids but doesn’t she deserve it?, I find that doing small (sometimes big) things on a daily/constant basis sometimes go much further then big things less often.

BH for the no access. I don’t have any good solutions for self-control other keep on fighting.

Heeling wrote on 29 May 2023 14:55:

Thanks Heeling.
If so than I have given her many golden medals already 
We did a quiz on the 5 languages of love together and I've learnt what she appreciates, I recommend every couple to take that quiz, i was quite surprised by what i discovered about her personality, and it was helpful too.
(p.s. we only had our first child recently so I will need a reminder in a few years )

wow wow wow
amazing first post, amazing guy, amazing wife!

כ'בין זייער איבערגנומען פון דעי מעשה, פון די אמת'דיגקייט און איבערגעגעבנקייט פון די עזר כנגדו, ועל כולם פון דיין אפענקייט און אמת'דיקייט
עס שרייט פון זיך אליינס מי כעמך ישראל!
sorry for my yiddish

true_self wrote on 29 May 2023 09:29:

First of all, what a beautiful post and thread. Your words in your opening post are so eloquent and clearly wise beyond your years.

Regarding your question about self control: That's a sly trick of the yetzer hara to make you feel down about yourself. The reality is, that restricting yourself from access is a tremendous achievement in and of itself. Look around at how many people can't bring themselves to do that.

The second part is, that as you work on yourself and your שמירת עינים and detox your brain and eyes from all the garbage, and you focus on channeling all of your love into your amazing wife, you will see that your self control will get stronger and stronger.

TLDR?

Don't worry about your  self control for now. Keep your eye on the ball and the work ahead. The reward will come with time. I promise.

Bennyh wrote on 29 May 2023 20:19:

Thanks Benny!
I totally agree with every wrote, and I work to internalize them.
I never before thought that restricting access is something that demands self control, as I grew up in a home where it was obvious that filters are needed, however now I do recognize that it actually does take some self control.
Thanks for your advice and encouragement.

Firstly, I want to echo that which other have said about how you have certainly exercised tremendous Gevura by putting yourself into a situation where temptations are removed. That IS self control. Think on it - the whole concept of the Issur of Yichud is based on the idea! Chazal see each of us as someone who would very possibly make bad choice and NOT control ourselves in a closed room.... But we CAN control ourselves by NOT GOING into the closed room... That is certainly self control - Kol HaKavod. I personally have found tremendous success by trying to [keep my Kabala] to treat any unfiltered device with the rules of Yichud. [sometimes i havent... being Mechazek the Kabala here and now....]

Another Avoda that I work on a lot, that has helped me in the area of self control is in clarifying my Ratzon Pnimi.

I work on knowing my own heart of hearts. What do I really want out of life? What gives me the feeling of being alive, of satisfaction? What gives me feelings of emptiness and anger? What attracts me, truly, about the things that attract me? I discovered that sometimes I am attracted to lust as an escape from the desperation and pain of other things in my life. Realizing that has helped make it have much less of a "pull". There are many aspects about this. I know it sounds like something simple - we all know what we really want, don't we?  It simply isn't true.
Each of us has a lit of different parts - I know there's a whole zoo living in my head and heart sometimes. There's a hot breathing tiger, and also an ugly lizard but also a soft bearded tzaddik with understanding eyes. figuring out which part of me wants what has helped me realize - in my HEART [not just my head], that there are things that I don't really want anymore. Then i find myself wanting to avoid them. More importantly - I know what I DO want. Tahara, That great feeling of being in control and living actively, genuine intimacy and connection, chayim sheyeish bahem, romemus and kedusha.... When I really know what I want and what I don't want, then I naturally genuinely desire that which is my ratzon, and am repelled by what I realize goes against it all.  

Learning a sefer or book that talks to your Neshoma can help a lot - it can help you get in touch with your Ratzon Pnimi and differetialte between it and your Ratzon Chitzoni, help you realize which positive ratzon you are working towards .

Main thing - HOLD ON, friend! We are here with you. And hold on the Rebono Shel Olam for dear life. One day, one minute at a time. 
You will get there - You are a courageous Gibor, and your heart knows it. And your friends here know it too. 

My dear friend, you have so many beautiful posts and ideas contained therein. I will only add my two cents. The way we work on self control is by realizing that I really want this! Find the value that there is in living a life free of problematic sexual behaviors. Value is something you find POSITIVE about it, not just the avoidance of something negative. Constantly review in your own mind, or better yet say it out loud, "It is something precious and special to guard my eyes. I am a better person when I avoid problematic behavior. My marriage will be better when I avoid the filth the world offers". Repeating that these are objectives that have value will give you the desire to be that way. 
Keep shteiging, my holy friend! You are a shining beacon of light and growth!

true_self wrote on 29 May 2023 09:29:

Same here, that's why I spend so much energy (and $) preventing that from happening.

All I can do is keep growing, and one day I may even be able to be meyached with a device without slobbering all over it.

That is attainable…

Wow true_self what a post!

Good for you! Keep 'em coming!

(PS Was great chatting that time, gotta cooordinate our hours again )

very incredible posts. thank you for sharing.
im glad you were able to find your trueself, and you're so lucky to have such a connection w your wife.
i wish you much continued hatzlacha.