Hashem Help Me wrote on 14 Jan 2024 23:43:

beautiful!

Surrounded on all sides by the swishing, beautifully thronging elegantly smilers
i cannot hide.

loud and shiny music is pounding my brain
with oppressive, brassy gaiety 
and i cannot hide. 

I am
Wrapped in a pensive, lonely cocoon
I am
     hiding, aching, behind
my helpful false serenity
                          - a gracious smile and my beard.
It isn’t working all that well tonight. 

because
     the hallways are choking me with all their glittering teeming mass
and that heartsick feeling has returned.
     I’m trying not to see 
But I can’t hide.

oh, the clear green eyes I’m looking for 
are wrapped in conversation 
And her wholesomeness is on the other side
       
the quiet desperation rises up 
and all my yesterdays
have wandered in the hall
I’m surging inside
and i cannot hide.

oh can’t you all just stop the silken swishing?  can’t you leave me, do not find me, stop acoming close to talk and grin?
i want, I don’t, I maybe do
              oh Hashem its so empty here 
oh why 
       I can’t          oh, whatever. blah.

I want her green eyes but I wander in the hallway and I cannot find the way.


p.s. If I had to rate my actual performance regarding not-looking,  it was Limaase probably a 9 out of 10. Including spending significant time out in the cold to avoid the hallways, phone calls, and other ways I’ve learned to use to avoid, bH. However, disquiet and discomfort persists, because I was fighting hyper-awareness and unwholesome feelings the whole night, and I don’t enjoy how that makes me feel. Not sure my internal response was that great.  Did the best I could, I guess. Onwards. Tomorrow will have new challenges and opportunities.

chaimoigen wrote on 22 Feb 2024 05:13:

Way to take the shmush in my brain and turn it into words!!!

If. 
If I had not come here.
If I had not posted and joined this community.
If I had not connected with real people, met mentors and friends.
If I had not learned new methods and ideas.
If I had not gained self-awareness and a new belief in myself. 
If I hadn’t learned to trust in and connect with Hashem and make changes and grow.
If I did not have friends and mentors that I cannot let down am in touch with and connected to. 
If I had never become who I am today, a man who lives in a way that I don’t ever want to lose….

Then.
Then - who knows what I’d be doing now?

Because I’m so tired tonight. 
I am emotionally drained by a series of stressful and difficult, trying encounters. 
I am saddened, irritated and bone-weary.
I am doubting some of my commitments and my ability to make a difference.
And I am doubting the hope of reaching certain precious goals. 

But, today my response is - 
                                        So what?
                                   It’s ok.
My frustration, sadness and deep weariness today equals nothing more than that. 

And there is a core of peaceful quietude in the center of my being. 

It radiates courage from which to take strength and address my doubts. 

All will be well.

Hodu LaShem. 
                  Thank you, GYE.

I am Chaimoigen. 
מאן דבעי חיים

Dear Rabbi,

Here’s a hug from me.

If the only difference that you made today was empower me to 1 clean day after a fall with 340 days under the belt – I think it was worthwhile you getting out of bed this morning.

Know, that I and many others look up you. You make the world a different place for us.

I have more to say but my brain is a bit of a mush, so I won’t continue.

Love ya,

chaimoigen wrote on 27 Feb 2024 01:20:

Sorry but methinks you left out the main "if only"
Doubt yourself and your abilities all you want . Just please don't you ever doubt the difference, that YOU made in MY life - and I'm sure the life of so many others here. All those if onlys that you so eloquently wrote about yourself you were one of the driving forces to help so many of us with
Im pretty confident that without having you as my listening ear my count that  with tremendous Syata Dshmaya has been steadily ticking upwards would be anything but.

The Rabbi he is, all distinguished

His fire, never ever extinguished

Those twinkly eyes spit forth bright sparks

Of Kedusha, they dance like larks

Alive, a life of Life you live,

Strength to others, you do give

Wise and sage advice, grounded brilliantly in Torah

You dish out to all, to the Jews Hoisah Orah

Sound, compassionate thoughts with empathy, oh my

It’s certainly the envy of AI

Chaimoigen you are, with pride

Lonely walks no longer, with Esmeralda at your side

Eyeglasses on your nose, perched, half moon

Songs of holiness you soulfully croon

Lilith and Veela, so intoxicatingly beautiful

You’ve struck down, while still youthful

The masses you do help, yes indeed!

Many shattered souls who beg and plead

Dumbledore, the only one He ever feared

Even He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, revered

You taught us all clearly, Professor

It’s not about power of the aggressor

‘Tis not abilities, but our choices

That define our loudest of voices

Horcrux slayer, with quiet power and great style,

Your loyalty unparalleled, you swallow bitter bile

Worrywart you are, oh the worry!

When those hot, racy rats roam and scurry

We cannot let you down, yes, its true

But it all crashes, when we're feeling blue

Don’t be saddened, don’t you see

How much worse off we’d be

If your ears wouldn’t listen

Or dry tears that glisten

The Rabbi, your bones sometimes weary,

Days feel long, bleary and dreary

Something between Blah and Bah Humbugs

Like Ron, burping up slimy slugs

Yet, please remember and know,

Healing and empowerment, you sow

YouKnowWho tried to fight you,

Bring you down, just to spite you

But Evil has been beat

To the forests of Albania, I retreat

Yet don’t get too complacent, dear Sir…

I’ll be back soon, in a whir

Muggles and Mud-bloods beware,

Eyes, out of fright they do tear

I never give up Dark intentions

Twisted, contorted, convoluted inventions

Tarantallegra I’ll shriek, derisively

Watch you dance uncontrollably

Or better yet, you’ll be out cold on the deck

When I’ve painted on you, a Shtriemal and Beck

מעבדות לחירות 
ממיתה לחיים 
קטורת אקטיר 
מלא חפנים 

כי הצלת נפשי 
מיורדי בור 
ועיני האירו
לראות האור 

נפשי בשאלתי 
אכלה פניך 
אגורה עולמים 
בצל כנפיך

Caught in the tumultuous pre-Pesach maelstrom, I lately haven’t managed to be on the site much, or to be in touch with my GYE friends.

And this morning I was thinking that it all feels like a dream, like an alternate reality that may not really exist. And I was thinking maybe it doesn’t need to exist, that maybe I don’t need to maintain this alternate world anymore. (Friendships aside, of course). 

And then I remembered. Almost a year ago I still used to have some occasional times and certain experiences in my life, that would sometimes seem like they existed in an alternate reality, completely outside of my regular life. And I sometimes wasn’t sure if those experiences really existed, if they really happened to me at all.  But they did. And they weighed me down like a cold, heavy unsettling black bowling ball, rolling around underneath everything else, wreaking havoc. And now, praise Hashem,  that alternate reality does not exist anymore. I am whole. 

So methinks I will hold on, with both hands, to GYE and my friends. Anyways, there are too many guys out there that could use a warm hand to hold, so I ain’t going anywhere. 

But I might have to wait until after Pesach comes to be in touch. 

Looking at Cheirus I am, 
 Chaimoigen

Don't you dare leave! No replacement for your warm hugs (nor for your reminding us that the English language is comprised by a lot more than 1,000 basic words )

looks like the RY might be hitting a year soon not פשוט.

And the RY hit 1,000 posts.

The RY is hitting 1 year tomorrow. He gives us all his insight, wisdom, but most of all his caring heart. What can we give back to him in honor of this occasion? I was thinking a Retzifus Seder in his honor. Anyone in? Or if anyone has any other suggestions, please post.

I wont call or text him - ill give him a break for one day. I will dedicate one 'looking away' for his zechus.

CO! You Rock!

Tonight is a special night, my sweetest friends.

I am celebrating 365 days free of any inappropriate viewing whatsoever. (Including limiting of internet use to only targeted pre-determined searches and thereby avoiding seeing almost any pritzus).This incredible accomplishment is one that I did not know that I would ever achieve. And it fills me with thankfulness and awe, with joy and a sense of quietute in the center of my being. I am humbled to have reached this point, הודו לה כי טוב כי לעולם חסדו, כי יעמוד לימין אביון להושיעו משופטי נפשו 

 I had planned on writing a special poem and something significant to mark this milestone (although the upcoming night of הוד שביסוד will mark the actual Hebrew one-year anniversary of my first post). 

Unfortunately, the Rebono Shel Olam saw fit to present me with a significant challenge these past few days, and I don’t have the energy for the kind of post that I had envisioned writing tonight.

But this I know: 
There is hope. There are no dead ends. 
Life, in the Hands of the Aibeshter is worth living, and can ever be found to be full of Chaim. 
Good Chaverim are the key to learning how to live. 

So, as I face today’s challenge, I have hope. And I have Bitachon. 
אי״ה כשם שעד הנה יעזרונו חסדיך ורחמיך, כן אל תטשינו ה אלקינו לנצח 

And I know that although life will necessarily ever be a series of Nisyonos, but חיים ברצונו is possible and makes it worthwhile. 

And I have undying gratitude to you, my close friends. Because you have helped me become who I have always wanted to be. I have learned so much from all of you.  I am hoping and planning to keep growing now, imyh, and climbing higher. And I will stay close, let’s keep climbing together, with Hashem’s help. 

The road goes ever, ever on 
Down from the door where it began,
The road goes ever on,
And I shall follow, if I can 

Lean on my shoulder, if you’re weary
Your throat is parched, and full of dust,
Travelers shall journey on, 
Till journey’s end, as so I must. 

But on that road, and in that dust 
There is a light I’ve learned to see,
The light that shines from pushing on,
And it shines from inside me. 

I am 
Chaimoigen
and I am alive. 

Thank you Hashem, and thank you GYE.