Reb Chaim, this is your gushy emotional friend talking. Thank you for joining our family, for inspiring, for setting us straight, for being the big-brother so many of us need! Please stick around and keep sharing your insightful words with us
Your friend,
Eerie

I came pretty close to slipping last night, and it rattles me. 
A fall of a thousand miles starts with a single click. 

I have been avoiding almost all recreational internet usage. Most specifically, I have accepted on myself bl”n not to browse or search without a specific purpose. This has kept me from walking close to the shadows and teetering on the edge (a practice a self-deluding fool I once knew used to enjoy). 

Yesterday I needed to research something online 3 different times. In the process I watched a video on YouTube, which I normally avoid like the smallpox, and I saw various links to sundry filthyness, all which I successfully avoided. But, in retrospect, some stuff got into my bloodstream...

In the evening, after dealing with several difficult and emotionally draining situations, I was home without my wife, involved in mind-numbing adjudication of post-camp-pre-school sibling wars. Drained. (Was almost the identical situation to one that took place 107 night ago, which ended differently). I took a break for a minute and decided to check out an app (not the internet) that had been installed on an iPhone by a family member. A harmless app.

But recreation browsing isn’t harmless. And the rationale that an app isn’t the internet was a slick trick from the slippery liar who lives in my bloodstream, and he is especially active when my blood is running stale. And the app, surprisingly enough, turned out to have ads and links (surprise!). And an ad for some health product came up, along with a picture that contained a potential promise of something more stimulating than the app… I clicked on the ad. Didn’t go anywhere very interesting (BH). Was about to go further and thankfully stopped and remembered that this is the doorway into the inferno.... So I quickly texted a friend instead....

But in that one moment I felt that thick, slobbering, heavy-lidded, lascivious demon rear up inside, red eyes gleaming, groping towards the crack in the doorway, rattling the bars. It's dark in there. לפתח חטאת רובץ….

Boruch Hashem, the presence and thought of my connection with you, my dear friends, and how we are all growing together, was the stronger influence... It was a particular דמוס ודיוקן that was a gift from Hakadosh Boruch Hu.
But I'm rattled. [Though not surprised] Oy.

It’s good to have special friends to hang on to. 
It’s good to know that I don’t have to act the same way I once did. This gives me hopefulness and pride.
It’s good to be reminded that a beast still is lurking in the shadows, waiting … and he still wears my face… 

I feel sick and sad that I clicked on that ad. A few more clicks and I know I would have had to throw my Talis in the mud…. 

But that beast will not have his way with me. At least not today. 

It is good. Thank you Hashem.  

chaimoigen wrote on 31 Aug 2023 13:48:

No need for porn today, this old fogey has been blithsomely enraptured.

chaimoigen wrote on 31 Aug 2023 13:48:



I've been sitting here all along , proudly patting myself on my back that Im over 4 months since my last fall.

But I forgot something important .

Something that I myself said not too long ago.
redfaced wrote on 17 Jul 2023 23:13:



Thank you R' Chaim for the Oh-So-Gentle wake up call

chaimoigen wrote on 31 Aug 2023 13:48:

I love this line! A fall of a thousand miles starts with a single click. Thank you!

And a win of a thousand miles begins with a single delete....

Dear R’ Chaim,

I’m really sorry to hear that you are feeling stale and going down the slope. Yet, at the same time I’m amazed that you were able to short stop and texted a friend.

Friends are amazing! And so are you! because you are our friend so that makes you amazing…

Please keep on fighting, keep inspiring us!

I look up to you,

Love you,

Hashem Help Me wrote on 01 Sep 2023 03:52:

Done.
Thank you.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 01 Sep 2023 03:52:

 מי יתן טהור מטמא לא אחד (איוב יד)
For a person to become pure, all he needs is to declare a firm NO!

Thanks for the Chizuk, Chevra.

BH, not feeling stale today. As Redfaced pointed out, being rattled is an antidote to complacency.

And following the initial discomfort of posting I am BH left with a feeling that's much so better than the way I would have felt, had I heeded the slippery advice of my Yetzer Consigliere (he wears Savile Row suits), who was pushing hard against writing my post yesterday because "nothing really happened and all was good".
Sunlight is the best disinfectant, and it's good to be out in the sun with my friends.

I wanted to add in a word of further explanation about why I feel so strongly about not searching or browsing randomly online, especially when feeling bored. Even though the basic idea is obvious to anyone here.

By definition a person who is "feeling bored" is person is feeling unstimulated and looking for stimulation. 
And there are 2 points I would share. 

1. Lust provides stimulation better than a lot of other things. So when a person starts looking to be stimulated and there are millions of potential websites or videos to search he will very likely be pulled by his boredom, to the one that has the promise of a little “tickle” of desire, because it’s more stimulating. And from there to next one, in which the tickle is more pronounced, more stimulating. One foot after another stepping along that slippery slope… I have a good filter, but...

An honest look back at the list of sites in one's search history, seeing at the end of the night how one thing leads to another - can be a very learning (and painful) experience... [I learned this lesson a long time ago, not recently, BH.]

But there is a much deeper point, I think. 
2. The actual state of “going looking” to be stimulated is negative, I think. 
This point is subtle and is about a Madreiga too, I think But I’d like to elaborate, to put the concept out there. … 

If I’m sitting back and saying “I’m dissatisfied because life isn’t interesting or satisfying or engaging enough - so show me something to stimulate and interest/entertain me”. That’s a state of being passive about living, and looking for the world to service me. To stimulate me.  I think being that way opens a person up to things that aren’t great. Being there is already halfway there to going onwards to look at an image that will get my heart rate up. I'm saying something strong - this state itself puts a man into the posture of pornography.

I can’t really imagine a great person such as Rav Moshe, or any of my Rabbeiim, or my father shlit"a, for that matter, saying: “I’m bored. Make me feel good”. A purposeful, active  posture of living doesn’t have room for being stimulated by YouTube. 

A person who is comfortable with himself, with his thoughts and essence and feelings, does not shun inaction. He isn't bored or repelled by just being himself. And when there's a lull in the action, if he does not need to rest, he finds something positive and meaningful to think and act upon.   

Yes, this Hashkafa is firmly against the entire culture of TV, movies, entertainment, YouTube, news, and sports. Maybe it’s a little extreme to put fully into practice, and not relevant for an average guy (like me). But I’m sharing it for the concept, and for ways that can be applied, mostly for myself . 

I personally, have BH mostly successfully eliminated using the internet for recreational purposes.[משום מעשה שהיה , obviously. And I aint proud of that.] I don’t know if other people can do that. But for me it has been a complete game-changer.

I still get bored and look for things of interest. I’m not past that. I would like to get all the way there. For now, I am taking the step (among others) of not looking for stimulation by browsing or searching online bl"n. If there's something specific I want or need (including GYE) I will go get it (with a filter, obviously). But I don't wander. Because scary monsters live there. Some of them have even been known to wear my face … 
And also, I would much rather be a little bored than full of that empty self-loathing for how I spent the past hour, even if I didn’t “cross the line”.

Have a Shabbos full of Menucha ViSimcha, friends.
On Shabbos you can't "do". It's about "being". That's not boring at all.

This post is gold!

Chevra, It’s going to be a different Yomim Noraim. I don’t have the right words with which to thank you all. 
I’m going to be Davening for you. The true friends that I have had the wonderful fortune to actually meet, and those to whom I’ve talked, or chatted with, and exchanged post and/or emails, and also those who I’ve noticed lurking as I’ve lurked. Or read your threads. 
I’ve gotten life-changing Chizzuk from all you guys. 

I’ll be Davening for you all with a very full heart. 
Please Daven for me, too. 

באהבה רבה

מאן דבעי חיים

i'm exhausted. and i really need a shower, bad.
i have been wandering like a lonely sparrow in the rain, drenched and cold. i'm grimy, and i just want to go home. i miss You so much.

tonight, i finally will get to go back.
it's been so long. i mamash can't wait. it's going to be clean and warm and white, snuggling next to You under my tallis,
together again.

thank you. for חיים

Chol HaMoed Sukkos

Some thoughts on Chol Hamoed trips...
Yesterday I took the smaller kids to an "amusement" venue, giving the Wonderful Wife a well-deserved break, (and earning some well-deserved brownie points ).

It was a venue that I knew would be populated primarily by frum (mostly Chassidishe) Yiddin. I have been there in the past, and knew what to expect. I went fortified in my resolve to be careful with where I look. And I was mostly successful, BH. I'd grade myself in the upper 90s.

Yet I still came home with an unsettled "itch"....
I did not go on the internet, though I had the desire to "look up something", I thankfully recognized the desire for what it was.
I was too tired to learn, (that's probably a bad excuse), I rather texted with a friend, and lay in my Sukka, and let the Shelter soothe my unsettled spirit. B"H

Here are some reflections.

I, personally, don't benefit from focusing on what I am NOT looking at. For me, doing that just creates a state of super-heightened awareness, and makes things worse. [Sorry my dear Yedid R' Eerie, for me the "Clicker Clique" wouldn't work, it would work like Cam Jansen's "click". I'd notice everything I am clicking about, in brilliant detail, while looking away... ]
So what I do is to try to focus only on what I AM doing. Inward focus. I'm spending time with my children. Enjoying THEM, and what I'm doing with them, living in it in a way that I am not interested in looking around. The way I don't  look is to focus on what I am actively looking at.
I also try to relate, in my mind, to the other people who are there as people, who are spending time with their children, or operating the rides, with responsibilities and lives. They are people, not item to browse. That mindset helps me, too. [And I end up acting super-polite to the staff, as I'm very sensitive to the way they get treated. And I returned a lost non-Jewish kid to her mother.]
I have little tricks that help me keep this mindset.
And it mostly works. I keep my eyes to myself, or make eye/face contact, and keep talking to my kids, (or on the phone, when they are calls I can't ignore). Inwardness. Being present in what I want to be doing. Not in looking at somebody else's belongings (their clothing and body is their belongings, too.) Keeps me in a serene state, mostly, and it helps a lot that there were very few tantrums this trip . 

But for some reason these kind of venues are more challenging for me, in a way, than the daily encounters I have regularly. And it hurts me that I still managed to notice and file away various "details" in my surroundings that weren't productive, at times. Even with this focus, I still managed to sometimes "rank" the people waiting with me in line, all while in an earnest conversation with my daughter and not looking, etc... And I came home feeling the itch of desire, which bothers me. I know I am human, and I am dealing with growing, day by day, BH. But I am feeling disgruntled. I want to be more than I am now. So I will keep working.

I think i need to print out that last post and hang it on my wall.
thanks for putting things in the right prospective