It is not ga'avah to know who you are and to understand your kochos and how they can be used to assist others. The yetzer hara tries to convince us to exercise "anivus" in all the wrong scenarios. Keep on doing what you are doing. And don't worry, if real ga'avah sets in, there are enough chevra here that know how to "put you in place" really fast. 

yitz23 wrote on 24 May 2023 03:18:

Absolutely. You are definitely smart and capable and have alot to offer - and you write very nicely to boot.

You are quality stuff Yitz! Please continue to share your talents with the oilam here, and in yeshiva. 

OK here it is guys........

THIRTY DAYS.

Hashem has been overwhelmingly kind to me in giving me the strength and inspiration inside of me, and the support and love from around me, to achieve this special goal.

"כי יעמד לימין אביון"

Memories come back of previous years in the days before Shavuos, trying to stay clean but failing every time. And now I've been clean for רוב of ספירה...

I still am at the foot of a tremendous mountain, but I have gotten to first base.

With love,
Yitz23

Grant400 wrote on 24 May 2023 13:40:

Yitz, I wouldn't take for "Grant"ed a compliment from Grant..

You are definitely worth it...

My friend, I will only say that my post today on my thread was inspired by this post of yours. You don't know what it did to my heart!

Im speechless. My heart is swelling and tears fill my eyes as I read your update. The beauty of your Neshama. the kedusha your emanating is awesome!  so much confusion and darkness, so many unanswered questions, so much pain and through it all the beauty of your pure ratzon and resilience when you have all the excuses and to top it off with an acknowledgement that its all with hashems help and love to you. wow!  I'm in total awe right now.  Please keep these gems coming!

mazal tov yitz!
im so happy for you:)

Wow Mazel Tov!!!! We are so happy for you!! Keep it up! Now just like you bh made this 30 day period clean so too you’ll make the next 30 bezh! You can & WILL do it! There’s nothing like being able to be Mekabil the Torah fully clean!!! Just make sure you don’t let your guard down what I found in the past was that when I started feeling “confident” that’s when I unfortunately had falls, you gotta just keep on davening that hashem should give you the strength to continue on your holy mission & may you be zoche to stay truly clean & find your better half Bekorov mamesh!!!
With much love & admiration 

I've been dragging my feet from writing this post, since there is a little negative news here.

I got home from Yeshiva a few hours before Shavuos, and it was not long at all before I realized how easily I could bypass the filter an get onto a filtered version of Youtube. Of course, the reason I'd blocked Youtube totally was because the filtered Youtube is really far from being kosher.

I watched all sorts of *ahem* unseemly content on Youtube until just before candlelighting. I then hurried to the mikvah to try and cleanse myself from what I'd just seen, but alas, it didn't really help of course.

Also, on Erev Yom Tov I called a friend back in my old Yeshiva to tell him gut Yom Tov, as he'd been trying to reach me for a while. This friend is a really nice, chilled guy who's easy to be around, although he has a pretty damaged self esteem and has a hard time speaking up for himself. Let's call him Menachem (not his real name).

Even though he is not much better than decent-looking, I have very strong sexual feelings for Menachem. In the past, I have done some low-level sexual things with him. (I hope to talk about that more in later posts.) We had a really short conversation, but I addressed him using a slang that connotates sexual affection, and that really triggered me.

So there I was, going into Shavuos with all those unholy images seared onto my mind's eye, and with all sorts of daydreams about Menachem. Anytime I saw someone with a build similar to his, I would get thrown into a new round of fantasizing.

I did not have the best davening or learning this Yom Tov, and that is a huge loss for me since it's something I look forward to all year.

By the second night of Yom Tov a lot of the debris had cleared, and I had really nice davening and meals.

I left shul after Ne'las Hachag, Maariv, Kiddush Levana, and dancing, really inspired to continue my upward trajectory. As soon as I got home home, though, I was right back at that Youtube. I didn't even come out of my room to make Havdalah until past 4 a.m. I woke up mid-afternoon on Sunday and went directly back to it, sadly not getting off until I had to catch my ride back to Yeshiva that night.

Unfortunately, the story didn't end there, since when I woke up this morning I saw that I'd had a wet dream.

I learnt a couple of things:

1) I don't think the images that I saw would have affected me as greatly back when I was masturbating all the time. I see how helpful it would be in marriage to avoid masturbating - the taivah I have for my wife will be much greater.

2) The loopholes that I found on my computer were always there. In fact, they are still here now as I type since I'm still in middle of patching them up with my provider. But I am not tempted by it now. Being at home put me in a really bad spot. I had more interactions with my mom that reinforced the feeling of suffocation and heaviness that I get when I feel she is being emotionally reliant on me. I guess in the future I should avoid bringing my computer home with me.

3) I have to figure out how to lower the intensity with "Menachem." I probably should try to drop the relationship entirely, but  am not ready to take that step yet. If anything, I am sorta looking forward to what we'll do next time I see him... He is in yeshiva way out of town and I won't be seeing him for at least a couple of months anyway, so this issue can wait until I am more ready.


I do appreciate the physical relief that came along with the wet dream, but I feel guilty since the images I saw are probably what caused it.

I still consider myself "in" as far as my streak goes, but I don't feel good about it anymore, especially since I'm taking a prize at day 40.

Remorsefully,
Yitz23

Blunt question - Why are you not ready to drop the relationship with "Menachem"? Are you actually friends according to the healthy definition of "friend"? Or do you want to hold on to a possible sexual experience at some level?

Hashem Help Me wrote on 30 May 2023 11:34:

No of course what I want is the sex!

Also, more bad news for the oilam:

I have been getting some really wonderful PMs full of encouragement and inspiration from one of the chaveirim on the forum, but last night the conversation took a sexual turn and we wound up staying up all night sending dirty messages to each other. We also half-jokingly set to meet up after I hit 40 days (my prize, so to speak).

I'm not sure really what to do from here.

(The truth is that even in the beginning of our relationship a few weeks ago, my antennas picked up that he wanted something more than just to share chizzuk. He hasn't been the only one on here trying to get into bad conversations; I have shut down a bunch of guys for doing similar things. He succeeded, I guess he's better at it, and I was in a more vulnerable spot. But I take a bunch of blame for myself as well over here, too.)

I just had an awesome session with my IFS therapist, and I was able to express love and appreciation toward my penis for the comfort and excitement he has given me, and I was able to admit to it that it did a much better job at keeping my emotions calm than I have been doing without using it. We started exploring the fearful part that's frantic and terrified of me going back to masturbating, and how that panic itself is a trigger for my penis part. And we also made a start at visiting the unloved, needy part that is what my penis is trying to comfort by getting masturbated.

I feel much better and more in control now after the therapy.

Harav Yitz! (yes, you are a ruv in my eyes....) 
You have no idea how much I appreciate your candidness. 
I have had the same issues for a very long time. When I was a Bucher I had many "friends" like Menachem, the difference was that I usually got what I wanted....And i didnt have GYE to vent my feelings..... 
The problem is that every time you do give in it only increases the lust in the future, thats a big reason for me to withhold because I dont want my desires to get worse....
Regarding the wet dreams, its not great but better then actually doing something willfully. So dont think about it too much. 
The work that you do iwht your therapist sounds amazing. On the F2F program  here on GYE that method is called Diffusion, its basically telling you not to fight the desires so much, rather accept it and realize that it has given you and then you can make a clear decision.
Regarding the private messages, I asked GYE long ago to close my access to it. I was using too much for the wrong things. I suggest you do the same.

Meanwhile, keep up the good work, throw yourself into learning and all of this will get much easier if you totally occupy your head with holiness. 

Hey, Great posts. Kudos to you for writing all that you wrote. Its truly amazing that you write every detail so nicely. 

Keep on doing your wonderful work in all areas. Your doing phenomenal! I love the above quoted line, it really resonates with me.

Regarding the private messages, its an issue, unfortunately, some of our dear friends here are still a bit muddy and when they hold on to us, we get a bit muddy too. We have to try to read between the lines and close relationships with someone who we feel wont help us grow.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 30 May 2023 11:34:

Dear Yitz,
being on  a group like this could be terrifying in some ways and comforting in others.
On the one hand we are all about chizzuk, on the other hand there are some people here, who unfortunately are not here to get better but rather to fuel their lust even more. They pounce on people like you, young and vulnerable. If I could please share something with you and the whole GYE family something that I have learned today.

The fifth Lubavitcher Rebbe spoke and wrote lots of chassidus and in mussar style as well. BH I try to learn every morning with a chavrusa at around 530 AM. we are learning now something called kuntris hatfilah. To make a long story short. The Rebbe Rashab writes in his way to davening, that if someone wants to really connect and learn the correct ways to daven they need ot look at people with more experience. People that have gone through the rope course and failed and stood back up and continued working on themselves. Those are the p[eople that people should learn from. Fropm people who are young and experinced, and are not readyt to take the fight are people with no experience and just looking for ways to step on other people to bring themselves to better lust are not people to be hanging out with.

Linynainu.
When you see people like HashemHelpMe, Eerie, GRANT400 and the like, people who are posting, people who have a good streak next to their name. People who are open and looking to help and not pop on to get a one off chizzuk and then run away or hurt others, those are the people you should be PM'ing. When someone PM's you, ask them how long they have been on GYE and what is their streak? Important to put out some feelers to know who the person is before you connect or especially meet up with someone.

If you want to stay safe, stay with the people I mentioned above, they are all exceptional people that I have got to know very well with phone and text messages. They have all been really supportive and non-judgemental. Give it a go...,., Listen to the older people on this site rather then those one off.

Please know, that we care about you. We all see your sincerity to want to change and be better in your ways.

Go for the oldies thay are the best.

I speak to Eerie on a daily basis. I text HHM and GRANT400 very often. 

They are GEMS I tell you; GEMS.

They wont fool you, rather challenge you to be who you really are an the person you strive to be.

Keep up the good work Yitz.

We are proud of you

EYES

My friend Yitz, we are here for you. I loved every word of your honest posts. I know it is hard as hell, but the way forward, if it is to be upward will require a lot of sacrifice. But oh, boy is it worth it! You mentioned that marriage will help, my friend there are so many people that are married and have a masturbation issue. Or a male sexual relationship on the side. You have made great progress, and the continued, sustainable change will have to come from continued work within yourself. You have to see the special person that you are. Think about how many things you do right every day. Think about how much Hashem loves you, and how proud you make Him when you behave correctly. Think about how proud YOU are of yourself when you do things right.
And yes, my friend, not everybody here is for you. Or for me. Most people are good people looking for help, but some are further down the road. Please my friend, don't let the praise of yourself, although well earned, make you feel like you are past this, and then slip in. 
For your sake, for your marriage's sake, for your children's sake, erase Menachem's number today. And if he ever knocks at your door, SCREAM!
Keep shteiging and inspiring us, my holy friend! Don't worry too much about the past, focus on the change that we can make for the future
Keep trucking!