Misgaber96 wrote on 25 Mar 2023 12:33:

Beautiful prayer, thanks for sharing!!!
I hope to start incorporating such prayers in my own life, and cultivating a closer and more personal relationship with Hashem.
Thanks for showing me how you do it!

All the best,
OivedElokim

Misgaber96 wrote on 25 Mar 2023 12:33:

Thank you for sharing that. I've seen this idea of davening for them before, but I always thought that it was a tool for when lust doesn't let you see past the body at the 'person'. But how does it apply to such cases where one already feels a connection or 'relationship' and is enamoured by the personality.  Doesn't davening for them just deepen the connection? 

iwillmanage wrote on 26 Mar 2023 11:51:

Was thinking the same. If it were a Jewish relative as you said then I can hear maybe, but a goyish lady who came to this world and has a tafkid to be completed.. what if this is it... your davening for her to continue causing more people to fall.. I know your intent in this all is the right minded so hashem can see past it and be extremely happy for which you are davening 100%, just sounds a bit funny when thinking about it, and also .. hopefully it decreases your desire to her when mentioning her name, I wouldn’t bec it would be fakereit

iwillmanage wrote on 26 Mar 2023 11:51:

Well this is a great question! Thank you for asking. My problem is obsession with lust. This is an issue that I can't handle on my own. So I choose to turn to Hashem and tell him exactly what I want or what I am thinking bringing it to the light. 
Before this I used to bury these thoughts and fantasies deep somewhere, hoping it would go away, when it would come back full force, often stronger and the need for more intense outlets, I realised this just wasn't cutting it. I chose to do the opposite once I heard about it and saw people in SA that it worked for. People that had been sober for 10+ years and living with big smiles on their faces proud to be who they are, accomplished individuals in whatever area they choose to tackle.
I am new to this and there are different opinions out there. It really depends on the individual. But before trying something it is easy to theorise that it is incorrect. The only way to find out wherther something works it to give it a proper try. One of the sober members of SA feels the same as the both of you and chooses not to pray for the individual but he had to try first! I personally have to share everything with Hashem as it helps me keep on G-d's track and not mine. Mine is selfish and will likely end up in acting out, just give it some time.

Rebbi Akiva Daavened and said, how beautiful are your creatures Hashem when he saw a beautiful lady who he later married. The great sage! 
An Amora who I forgot the name of, screamed that there was a fire in his house before he acted out with women who were kept in the attic. Everyone came running to see that he had moved a staircase (that only 10 men could move) on his own to get to the attic! We see it is better to be open and honest rather than to bury ones emotions. 

Emes-a-Yid wrote on 26 Mar 2023 12:11:

Shalom, 
Sorry for not responding directly to you earlier. Yes, I see that using her name can be a trigger. So I am not certain this is a good idea for everyone. I have heard before that the purpose of davening is mussar. Mussar in essence means a change of mindset as I understand it. I am using Daavening to put Hashem in that name that I heard. Instead of hearing that name and it being a trigger, now I realise where that name comes from. Whether we like it or not G-d is the one in charge and He created these people as disgusting as their actions may be, but He created them! They are living and breathing, an attestment to Hashem's miracle we call life!
Yes we may believe that they are the cause of us being nichshal and therefore hate them. But really we are the ones who are powerless and Hashem put them there as a nichshal and we can't understand that because how can something so good do something so terrible???
This thought can only cause me to be more vulnerable as I blame Hashem for my problems... when He himself is the solution.
I must connect this to Hashem as He is the only reality that exists, I must connect every part of me to Him even the most dark. As soon as I let Hashem, the only source of light into this darkness I start to heal. The brighter the darkness gets inside me the more it vanishes. Now I become a source of light as the light of Hashem emanates through me and warms those around me.
I heard an amazing thing... what do you get when you squeeze an orange? Orange juice! Why? Because that is what is inside! You will not get lemon juice out of this thing.
If we have darkness inside of us then we cast a dark shadow on our surroundings. What is inside WILL come out. Burying it will only make it more dark and cast a bigger shadow.
If I bring light into that darkness we all know what happens......
I admit this comes after time and consistent but not so hard work, we need patience to get to this level, but if we work on it, it will come..... ONE STEP AT A TIME.
Behatzlacha and a gut Shabbos.

Misgaber96 wrote on 31 Mar 2023 03:24:

Just to mention a new thing I learned and I believe it to be true for now. An extended prayer may feed obsession with prayer about sex itself. A member of 6 years sobriety shared with me that his experience with prayer works best when there is a short prayer just to simply stop the obsession.

I personally find that sharing the situation with another person is very powerful to see the obsession in truth. Once I speak it out I can see what it is that I am dealing with and it usually gets rid of the obsession. There are times where I feel I need to share more and times when I need to share less really depending on the situation. 

I will share now that there is a girl across the road and she is a long time family friend visiting from America who is one year older than me. She had gone to a religious school (chassidish) where she did not get a secular education and is now struggling with her yiddishkeit. She is resentful of her schooling and her parents. She has been in the American college system for some time now, trying to become a physiotherapist. She has done well despite this. I personally think she is a beautiful girl and I really am interested in speaking to her about my journey through yiddishkeit as it has been a rough road and would like to tell her what resentment and fear has done for me in the past and what I feel it has held me back from. I then want to tell her how amazing it has been to deal with these emotions appropriately and how I have advanced as a result. I feel like this will be helpful for her as it gives her a bit more insight into struggles and how to deal with them. It seems like a good idea if I didn't have sexual needs and fantasies not discounting her needs for a relationship. 

One of the members shared with me that it would be a good idea to speak to her. This is maybe good for him but I know that this is not good for me on many levels. Thing is this girl is dateable age and the forwarding nature of my actions are open for interpretation by myself and her, potentially leading to a romanticised relationship when we clearly are of a totally different hashkafa as of now. Even if she changes her mind in her hashkafa it logistically doesn't make sense to date her. As sad as it is and as much as I want to be the superhero, I am not in charge. Hashem is always the One with the power to change lives and circumstances. So I wish the best for her and that she is able to get the answers she seeks in life. 

As for a smaller share, I noticed some very beautiful girls on this last day of YT and I just want to say that I am powerless over lust and that I pray that they are blessed by Hashem today and Hashem helps me with this obsession. 

Thank you all for letting me share,
Prayer is powerful just takes some getting used to I guess, still learning

Hi Misgaber - good points!

Great that you are clear-headed! I have been in such situations before. Maybe you can find someone else, a woman(?) who can be a good influence for her.

Reb Misgaber, I am blown away by the strength you have, BH you have clarity to see things for what they are, and you are a real hero. Thank you so much for sharing, and Keep shteiging!

frank.lee wrote on 13 Apr 2023 19:35:

Hi, 
Thank you for your reply! I wish I could but to quote my Rav, "influence only can be received by someone who wants to be influenced". She is a strong headed girl and smart. So all we have to do is wait and daaven. If hishtadlus does present itself then I will be happy to intervene with Hashem's guiding hand of course. 
All the best

Eerie wrote on 14 Apr 2023 19:50:

Thank you my good friend!
I really do appreciate your continued support it really aids my recovery. My strength lies in how much I give myself to Hashem the SA program and this platform trying to surrender as I go.
Behatzlacha Raba.

I'm in the same page 

Deleted

iwish001 wrote on 21 Apr 2023 03:58:

Hi,
I hear your point and in principal you are right... MY WHOLE LIFE is fake. It is Hashem's imagination doing wild things. I personally find this thought is based on emuna. But this thought is too lofty for me. I feel like I have real experiences. Some of them are beautiful like sharing an amazing sugya with a friend. Some of them are vulgar like spending 8 hours locked in a room watching all kinds of shtus masterbating myself silly. That experience is real and traumatic. I find that I need to be honest and admit my actions in this safe space... ALL of them in order to be more safe. That way my experiences have been surrendered to something bigger than myself.

Thing is I did try to use such a thought in the past. I think it helped me white knuckle for the short term. The YH is too big for me but not too big for Hashem, I need to be real with Hashem about my experiences as He gave us those experiences. I can choose to deal with them alone and let them take over falling into obsession. But if I say to Hashem my situation it can help me.

Just to share I saw again this girl who is a family friend who became not religious in yoga pants today from afar and as I rode closer I saw it was her in the car and she waved to me. I can't say that my thoughts are running wild atm but they were at the time. I feel a certain closeness to her and I want to get to know her to help her, but I don't know how much I can help her. May Hashem send her success in what she seeks in the best way and give her other siyata dishmaya. Hashem can You grant me success and help me from obsession.

In abstract thinking it sounds idealistic to say this is all “Fake”. But L’mashed when you I put my concrete thoughts to work when an item of lust pops in the picture, saying Fake Fake won’t (at least for me) work.

I was told the more I try not to think of something, the more I will think of it.  Do you relate ?

It doesn’t really help me. At that point I am in lust land. My sponsor has taught me the prayer (of the many) thing as follows. 

G-d may I find in you, that in which I seek from another human being. Please fill me with what I feel I’m lacking within. 

FYI- IMHO The Third step prayer is very helpful too. 

Live Life B’Simcha

@Misgaber96 - I'm sending you a lot of hugs and I hope you'll have strength to deal with a situation you're in and that you'll get advice from someone wiser than me.

@Crabapple18
I guess we should use any strategy that helps us to overcome this and live a life we want.

I corrected my intial post in case it was unclear. I wanted to expand on talk about "porn is fake" that was talked about throught the topic.

This thought of it being fake, and it surely is, can help...but to go even further, I wanted to expand that what we see in it, or expect from it, is fake also. By looking at it we create fantasies which are just that...fantasies in our mind, that we created.
Something we'll never reach and something that never ends.

This awarness is not meant to be a magic solution or a cure for this, but it helps me to see an apsurdity of my behaviour. On the other hand, it gives me the strength because the solution is within me, not somewhere outside.

Thank you for the beautiful prayer. I wish you much success.