Years ago I was part of this community and since then I thought I was fine.

I am in my mid 30s and for as long as I can remember, going back to my teen years, masturbation has always been an issue. Porn and other sexual outlets as well. What brings me here is a point I thought I would never get to. I am married with a few kids and for the entirety of the marriage me and my wife have had our issues in the bedroom. Add a couple of kids, no family support, and working many hours a day and I find myself losing my mind. At times viewing content and masturbating and realizing what has been done. Like waking from a dream or being taken over I ask myself what happened. It has always been a burden and I always feel bad and disgusted with myself. However, I was always able to not cross certain borders or be wary enough to keep it separated from my day-to-day. recently one of those lines was crossed and I didn't even realize it till it was too late. The result is several thousand shekels OI was scammed out of. Hard earned money that both me and my wife work to attain for a better life for us and the kids.  I feel horrible, broken, weak, and fear my wife will find out. Perthaps as opposed to all other times I really did hit my rock bottom because whatever fall out will be from this personally I will deserve it but I cannot stop myself from crying when I think how my problem has taken something that belongs to others. I would love nothing more than to not be alone, to be able to speak to someone who understands where I am at right now, to cry freely, and to told that there is a tomorrow because right now, it is very difficult to see a tomorrow in which I can be with what I realize now more than ever is what is dearest to me, my wife and children. If there is anyone out there crying alone, perhaps we can cry together.

Thank you to everyone who has written to me either to the post or privately. It has been rough several days and the sheer fact I didn't go on a binge thinking all is thanks to this platform and the members who wrote to me.

I realize the magnitude of the point I am at and am definitely not staying with the good feel feelings. I am taking some immediate actions as well as actions over the long run. I realize more than ever what I have to lose and am willing to do whatever it takes to live a life I can say is real, good, and honest to who I want to be for myself and others.

I hope to keep this thread active and update as a way of checking in but also leave it for others to learn from my mistake and maybe learn something before they reach the point where I am at.