Years ago I was part of this community and since then I thought I was fine.

I am in my mid 30s and for as long as I can remember, going back to my teen years, masturbation has always been an issue. Porn and other sexual outlets as well. What brings me here is a point I thought I would never get to. I am married with a few kids and for the entirety of the marriage me and my wife have had our issues in the bedroom. Add a couple of kids, no family support, and working many hours a day and I find myself losing my mind. At times viewing content and masturbating and realizing what has been done. Like waking from a dream or being taken over I ask myself what happened. It has always been a burden and I always feel bad and disgusted with myself. However, I was always able to not cross certain borders or be wary enough to keep it separated from my day-to-day. recently one of those lines was crossed and I didn't even realize it till it was too late. The result is several thousand shekels OI was scammed out of. Hard earned money that both me and my wife work to attain for a better life for us and the kids.  I feel horrible, broken, weak, and fear my wife will find out. Perthaps as opposed to all other times I really did hit my rock bottom because whatever fall out will be from this personally I will deserve it but I cannot stop myself from crying when I think how my problem has taken something that belongs to others. I would love nothing more than to not be alone, to be able to speak to someone who understands where I am at right now, to cry freely, and to told that there is a tomorrow because right now, it is very difficult to see a tomorrow in which I can be with what I realize now more than ever is what is dearest to me, my wife and children. If there is anyone out there crying alone, perhaps we can cry together.

That is so rough! Hashem should help you get through this, and iy'h this should be the rock bottom which you will one day celebrate as the thing which pushed you to get to a place of complete cleanliness and clarity! I left you a private message

Hi and welcome.
You made a great decision by joining GYE. You are no longer alone! You have a very strong community of people who struggle or have struggled. So stick around. 
you can gain tremendously if you keep on coming back here and just sharing your struggles, you can also use the other tools like the 90 chart or the F2F program. Tons of us have been in the same or worse situations that you find yourself in, and have achieved nothing short of greatness! This battle can be won and the struggle overcome! Do not give up or despair. There is Hope of you really want to change! 
congratulations on taking the first step towards freedom!

I'm here for you.
Your family is very lucky to have such a dedicated father and husband. You are trying your best, we all make mistakes. 

my friend i am going through a very similar situation. my wife knows and doesnt trust me, etc. 
I am PETREFIED to think of what might happen.....
I totally understand you! 
you can email me at 
averagejoe723@yahoo.ca

iwantmeback wrote on 28 Feb 2023 10:37:

Please use this as a catalyst to get proper help.  Call an organization for a therapist referral. You can change if you want to.  It takes work but it is immensely rewarding.   Don’t try to fix this on your own. Take it from someone who was trapped for 35 years. 

iwantmeback wrote on 28 Feb 2023 10:37:

My heart goes out to you! Like Vekham said, use this as a catlyst to change.

I recently came across this post:
guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/374271-I-Need-This-To-End#374271

Seems like sometimes (always?) Hashem "steps in" with something to shake us awake!

Hi it sounds like you are in a lot of pain i feel for you. Hashem gave us a wonderful gift called TIME. TIME WILL HEAL YOU.
You need to think positive think of the future like in a year from now when you have fully made teshuva and dropped this whole problem how special that time will be how awesome you will feel. You have to be positive in your current situation negativity could bring you even lower its a tactic of the yetzer. I would refrence you to a sefer written by rav shlomo hoffman secrets of the soul he has chapters in there on how to cope with sin very helpful.
There are people who have done worse than you and you regret it and want to move on your a great person!! be proud of yourself for posting and seeking help. dont worry about the money that will be your kaparah move forward with positivity!

 I understand fully. 

 I sent you a couple of thoughts privately to your email.  I heard many years ago a older man talk about our type of situation. For him there was a consequence and a price he had to pay. He got divorced and he no longer had the kids close. It broke him for a while till he remembered that being an involved dad or even a partner to his wife in the capacity after divorce did not end with divorce. For you and me both, let's live and keep the fearful "mights" where it belongs and instead live reality with the right kind of inner might and become who we truly want to be. Are you with me? 

Great that you are reaching out here. I'd suggest talking on the phone with someone here called HHM. You can call from an anonymous Google voice number or something.

Hatzlacha in staying healthy!

As for the money scammed, I dont know enough to say, but is there any way of getting some of it back? Maybe talk to someone about that as well. But definitely, if you confront this problem, thats the main thing. everything else is to wake you up. definitely you need to take big steps, to show everyone and yourself you are trying to change.

Wow that's terrible i feel for u man

Thank you to everyone who has written to me either to the post or privately. It has been rough several days and the sheer fact I didn't go on a binge thinking all is thanks to this platform and the members who wrote to me.

I realize the magnitude of the point I am at and am definitely not staying with the good feel feelings. I am taking some immediate actions as well as actions over the long run. I realize more than ever what I have to lose and am willing to do whatever it takes to live a life I can say is real, good, and honest to who I want to be for myself and others.

I hope to keep this thread active and update as a way of checking in but also leave it for others to learn from my mistake and maybe learn something before they reach the point where I am at.

iwantmeback wrote on 03 Mar 2023 11:53:

Do you mind sharing what those actions are? 

I took 3  immidiate actions.

1-I reached out and connected to GYE. 

2-I reimplemented a rule for myself. Phone gets shut off and stays out of the bedroom at night (it is almost always where thoughts begin to fester and develop or where action takes place) . In the past it has been very effective. By greatly decreasing the use of the gateway (phone) I greatly increase my chances to not get in to circumstances I will certainly regret. 

3- This is specific to me but I took technical steps to secure myself financially (as what I was hit with was essentially a financial scam) as well as set alerts to be sent to a third party. This will increase the chance that a repeat of what happened won't happen again.

It won't stop with the above 3. More to come.