Happy to report that yesterday went well. By far the best thing that has worked for me is making sure I don't have easy access. Yesterday, I made time to just sit and have a random conversation with my wife. Just knowing that I'm taking a real step towards getting over this nightmare (even if it's only a baby step right now) has made a difference. My relationship with my wife has had it's up and downs (honestly more downs due to a lot of challenges that go beyond the scope of these forums). Over the last several months there has been a distinct improvement in all areas (intimacy included) due to hard work by both of us. I really feel this was one of those rare opportunities where you get to see open השגחה פרטית. Being in a better place with שלום בית put me in a matziv to truly listen and act when I heard the Halacha Headlines, i.e., solving this problem that was constantly hanging over my head like a thundercloud was not just for my well-being. 
Today I blocked off an hour on the calendar to spend with my wife when everyone else was out of the house. One of the advantages of still working mostly from home . Amazing what can happen when both parties are not falling asleep!

Beautiful! It's amazing to hear your 'tone of voice', you sound so positive and upbeat! Keep it up, and keep posting, we want to hear from you

BH things continue to go well.  Have had some random urges to try and find access to porn but nothing that I couldn't overcome with some effort. I'm posting here as a  way to keep myself honest and to keep the streak going.  Knowing that i have this amazing chevra in the background as support, many of which are clearly going through greater difficulties than mine, is that extra tool in my fight to push back something that has been with me for so long. The fight has just begun and it's way too depressing to think about the number of battles I have lost, but hoping my new reinforcements can help turn the tide of this war with my YH!   

eraygrand wrote on 06 Mar 2023 00:54:

2 words of advice: Please Don't
Rabbeinu Yoinah in Yesoid Hatshuvah:
On that day, he should cast all his sins which he did, and consider himself as if he was born today, and he has neither merit nor fault. And this day is the beginning of his actions. Today he should weigh his ways, in order that his steps not veer from the good path. And this way will bring him to return a complete teshuva (repentance). Because he will make himself as if he has cast from his shoulders the heaviness of the sins which he did. Therefore his thoughts will not haunt and confuse him to prevent him from repenting because he is embarrassed of his sins. For [his thoughts] will tell him:


Don't think like this. Because the enticer (the evil inclination) sits like a fly in the chambers of the heart. He renews himself every day. He watches and waits to make him stumble, and he puts this evil advice in his heart (i.e. the destructive thoughts). Rather one should think: "because this is the mida (trait) of the Creator, yisbarach. His hand is outstretched to receive the penitent". Therefore it is good for him to cast off his sins and make for himself a new heart.

Thank you, never grow tired of that one. I read that רבינו יונה every year during RH and YK. It has really been the one source of hope that I've held onto every year and gave me the chizuk to be able to stand before Hashem and daven during those days. 

eraygrand wrote on 06 Mar 2023 14:36:

I'll tell you a secret. So did I. However, the reason I was "Doing Teshuva" back then was still out of fear of the "Man-with-the-lightning-bolt-on-high" or fear of being found out by others. I had never truly given it all up for ME. I'd never done it because I just wanted to be bigger, and to grow. So, since my motivation was always unhealthy guilt, I was never truly leaving it all behind. Because the impetus for my sudden desire to "Never-ever-fall-again" was really feeling worthless and not wanting Misah B'Yidei Shomayim. And forgive me for being a little bit blunt, but I felt something like this line you wrote: "It gave me the Chizzuk to be able to stand before Hashem". At least by me, that meant that I needed this to be able to stand before Hashem. Why? Because besides for this I was a worthless piece of trash. Because of all I'd done.... In other words I was still keeping it with me, and I WASN'T GIVING IT UP. Mah Sheain Kain after I started working for ME to grow bigger, I was able to finally begin to actually leave it behind and not think about it while beginning to do Teshuvah.

You're hitting the nail on the head, definitely where I have been for the last xxx (double meaning on the x's) years and where honestly I still am right now. Being in this space and getting chizzuk has created a small light which I'm hoping leads to "Pischu li PESACH k'chudo shel machat". My short term goal is to keep the streak through Pesach and be zocheh to sit at a seder enjoy a Yom Tov with my children,  grandchildren and parents in a whole new and larger light.

Reb Arye,
what an amazing attitude you have! What blows my mind is that someone like you who is a bit older them a teenager is still willing and ready to fight and grow! Most middle age guys I know are just stuck people who refuse to learn see thing new, so good for you! Al we can do is learn and grow slowly.
with Hashem help, you will continue fighting and growing, you will feel incredible at times and then some time will be hard and other times very hard, but if you continue pushing forward, you will learn how to navigate all the ups and downs.
Sfarim say that the meaning of the Zohar that tahuva doesn’t help is obviously not to be understood in the literal sense since tshuva helps for everyone and everything, but rather that the easy type of tshuva which is out of fear won’t help here, not it’s this is too big of a sin, but because this battle is too hard if you don’t have the right motivation! If we are just stopping out of fear, the desire can still overcome and blind us to forget about this fear. 
But if we stop because of love, even though it’s a high level we can simplify it by thinking of love of myself, love your own Neshama, love your family and from their learn to love Hashem! Then we have a much easier job because Love stays with us and gets much deeper into the heart.
So the next time you get an urge, think about someone in your family that you love with all your Heart, don’t think “ what would he think of he knew? Etc… that’s already guilt, just think about that person and how much you love them, feel the love the real thing, not lust, and the urge will become much smaller immediately. 

Again, I’m happy to hear you are with us and that are ready willing and able to fight this till the very end!
Chazak Chazak Venischazek!

Made it to double digits today (and 19 out of 20)! My connections with my wife continue to improve and not even really talking about the bedroom. Been listening to R Feuerman shiurim.

Chancy - really love your thought on taking love of family and using that to build back an אהבת ה that has really taken a real beating over these many years.
Being able to set the right example at home by being better at tefila btzibur and dedicating some of the time that I have freed up to learning is a critical part of this journey. Besides for the feeling of despair it is difficult to not think about the amount of time that I have wasted on this activity.  There have many times over the years that i have had 10 or maybe even 30 days of success but the inability to share really took the air out of the balloon. The ability to shout out and celebrate with others about how great this experience is, even virtually,  is absolutely priceless. 

eraygrand wrote on 07 Mar 2023 03:40:

Public Service Announcement: To all those who have had these thoughts and feelings, like me, The Sefer Sichos Im Reb Shlomo Hoffman is a must-read! It's been published in English as well, as "Conversations with Reb Shlomo Hoffman- Secrets of the Soul- part 1." An indispensable guide to Teshuva, Hashkofo, and especially dealing with the Inyanei Kedusha.

Great chat,
Nice to see some positivity! Please listen to Dov's talks in the audio section he is just the best!
If you don't hear it work on praying for those you are lusting after and deal with resentment and fears appropriately (don't ignore them). 
All the best!

eraygrand wrote on 09 Mar 2023 04:49:

It is such a chizuk to have you here with us and to see you breaking free! Keep up the amazing work, and let us know how you are! Remember, not everyone here posts, but you have so many brothers that want to hear from you, so keep posting!

Just checking in BH made it through Day 11. Definitely have had urges that would have difficult to overcome if I had easy access (including just recently which is why I'm here on Erev Shabbos). On a more positive note, I looked at the calendar and Shavous is a couple of days after day 90 (and less than a week after my birthday). Another incentive to make it to Pesach, counting the Omer will also be counting towards another goal (also will provide another reminder for sefiras ha'omer).  What better way to celebrate 90 days than an extra piece of cheesecake! 

Wishing everyone a great and HOLY Shabbos!

eraygrand wrote on 10 Mar 2023 18:12:

Keep it up, Happy to see your posts. Hatzlacha till 90 and onwards

Just a virtual shout out, 15 days and 24 out of 25! Thank you chevra!