Yeshayahu 41:6 wrote on 05 Mar 2023 23:50:

Wow. Sounds like you're G-d! I mean, I find I'm always wondering why he's messing me up. Then I realize it's me. Not him. Actually, by ascribing the ability to do things to others, we take power away from ourselves. I'd say in reality most things I think are other people's fault can be remedied through my action, prespective, and importantly, acceptance. Not the other way around I don't know too many human wrecking balls, except for some guys who have a really low tolerance on Purim. No matter what you think the "Other world" sees of you, since you're here and you're working, you are better than around 90% of people. Because from what I've heard, people kind of tend to stop growing and searching around the age of 25. Once they're settled, changing their prespective is hard and rare. But you are committed to that. Appreciate how wonderful that is!

Ok so today was day 18....tomorrow will be day 1.
HHM always says "shmattas masturbate" and thats exactly how i felt today. So many things weren't going right I just gave in.
People always say that they feel worse afterwards but for some reason i feel a huge release of stress when i fall. Sure intellectually i know its terrible, but emotionally i dont really feel gross. Am i a born rasha?  

Yeshayahu 41:6 wrote on 08 Mar 2023 21:53:

You are not a rasha at all. I get exactly what you’re saying. For people like me who have always used masturbation as a stress reliever, I feel bad after because I know it’s an aveira. But maybe because before I was frum I did it every day for several decades, it’s hard for me to not to crave the release of tension. It’s very hard for me because I was brought up to believe masturbation was healthy and normal and then, in my 50s, I’m suddenly told it’s a terrible sin. So I understand when you say intellectually you know it’s wrong but the stress release feels good. After 124 days, I fell a couple of weeks ago. Haven’t been able to go more than a week since. I’m depressed and I just don’t seem to have the will to fight harder right now. So I guess I’m a shmatta for now. 

It would mean a lot if someone could PM or email me. Even just the words "tuna fish sandwich". Feeling pretty low right now...

I don't think you should take this as a siman that you're a rasha whatsoever. The terrible feeling that people describe after a fall is atzas hayetzer. It's the yetzer saying that the thing that you did defines you. If you don't feel it it means that your yetzer isn't able to convince you that this is really you. However it doesn't sound like you exactly feel like a million bucks so maybe there is a nekuda of charata going on over here, at least enough to convince yourself that you don't feel great about doing aveiros

Yeshayahu 41:6 wrote on 08 Mar 2023 21:53:

I'm sorry for the fall, my dear friend. But don't worry about it too much. I don't know about you, but when I signed up to GYE I didn't get an email stating that all members of this society are free from the temptations and enticements of the YH. Actually, the opposite is true. At the YH headquarters they get an urgent message a few weeks ago. It stated as follows "Urgent memo!!!! Our loyal subject, Yeshayahu (or Bradley, depending on the day:)) has revolted! He has just signed up to GYE and had declared that he will no longer be taking orders from us. Troops, take up positions! This means war!" THe YH never sleeps. And sometimes he gets us. And then we KEEP ON TRUCKING!!! You wonder why you don't feel ich, and then you write "can someone please PM a tuna sandwich", my friend, you feel like a wonderful person does after he falls, and now just get up and move ON!!!

Yeshayahu 41:6 wrote on 08 Mar 2023 21:53:

Wow! thank you sooo much for sharing, Guy's we need to learn from this Heilige yid to be open and honest with ourselves! to know that we are vulnerable, and to really get to know our Yetzer Hara. My friend it sounds like you really have the goods. Baruch Hashem for you. 

Just to share my experience. The first time I fall I feel a release. I don't feel gross. In fact I sometimes even have a sense of gratitude that Hashem has given me this feeling. But then obsession comes and I fall again and again and again, then I start to feel gross, hopeless, depressed angry. Then I have a wave of inspiration to keep going and push through. I feel a sense of responsibility to get on top of this. I personally couldn't do this cycle anymore so I had to go to SA as I was unstable and kept falling. I now share with others and they share with me, I ask questions and get answers from those who have been obsessed before me and have been clean for years. I work the program. 

I had to do step zero, Azivas Hacheit, write out a boundry list that I could keep to, chop and change it so that it best suited me
ie. I can't go on youtube unless at work to give a person an example of...
I cant shake a womans hand
I cant go on the computer after 11pm unless to finish an assignment that needs to be handed in that day
I cant go on google scholar as I have used it to act out for hours on end (I may be able to be more lenient now)
I cant go on sites reading testimonials of abuse victims as I feel vulnerable as a result.... 
I cant go on my parents device unless for a specific reason, in their presence
If I do break these I have to call my sponsor

For the first 3 months I had to be more careful. I was scared, unstable, was overconfident, and didn't realise my condition. I had to do step one which was to understand how vulnerable I was. To say and mean "I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable because I"
1) would act out till 6 in the morning because of my lust regardless of the next days responsibility 
2) I would be physically abusive even striking my parents
3) I was depressed and wasted my schooling for basically the entierity of high school
4) I would drag my chavrusas along to the point of humiliation of self as my head was so thick wading through all the porn.
Now I am up to step 2 where I have to surrender this to a higher power as I know I can't do this on my own
I just learned in the Mesilas yesharim at the end of chapter two a similar concept. He says (paraphrasing) "we have to be aware of what we are doing and then and only then Hashem can help us"

All the best on your Journey. 
take it one step at a time, It took me about 6 months to get to this stage, others did it in a week. do what works best for you. But DO it, then Hashem will help.

Gut voch everyone, I'm embarrassed but maybe reporting this will help me build some accountability. I fell Friday and Shabbos. Not even going to give excuses that i was feeling this or that...
I hope to eventually get out of this for good. But when oh when???
Tomorrow day 1 here we go..  

Yeshayahu 41:6 wrote on 12 Mar 2023 00:52:

My dear friend, I'm sorry for the pain of the fall. But don't be despondent! You learned so much, you grew, you exercised your muscles, you'll be great! The first thing is to hold on tight, stick around here. You WILL learn the things you need in order to break free. Things like STAY POSITIVE! I know, it's so hard, and we feel so low and worthless sometimes, but we have to keep reminding ourselves how special we are, how valuable we are. Keep reminding yourself how precious you are in Hashem's eyes, and how much he appreciates all the effort you are putting in to break free. And know that breaking free does not mean that you never fall again in your life. We hope, we daven, we try to never fall again. But even if we do there is still a bright tomorrow where we can be good, where we can be clean, where we can be holy! 

Scratch that....
tomorrow (monday) day 1 here we go...
just fell again. soooooo much stress and it really feels much better after releasing it this way

And then it feels really horrible that it happened this way....
My friend, there is no hilchois days, maybe GYE has a system this way, but you have a good minute? A good hour? It's your holy shining hour forever!
My dear friend, part of what we have to learn is dealing with the stress. Stress does not go away by itself. We either do exercise, 30 minutes intense exercise, or call someone to shmooze with and share what's on your mind. 
I'm sorry for the disappointment and the falls, as well as the stress. But you CAN do it! And you WILL! One day soon you'll be posting who-knows-how-many days!

Eerie wrote on 12 Mar 2023 06:12:

SA states "one day at a time" 24 hours is all we can handle sometimes one minute. we can't handle yesterday or tomorrow. Those entities are not in our control. we are sober today that is great, what happens tomorrow and what happened yesterday, we put in the hands of our loving, caring Father.
All the very best.

Dear Yeshayahu,

I know you know this, but It's important to keep hearing it: "It's the journey that counts not the results" 
When the Baal koreh reads the 42 Travels of Benei Yisrael he is not allowed to be Mafsik beacuse it corresponds to the 42 letter name of HKBH. even though 8 of those travels Kllal Yisrael went backwards. Both the ups and downs are all part of the makeup of Hashems name.