Why did I have these minor struggles when I was younger and had NO IDEA that I was "masterbating" and that it was a sin?! Which ultimately led down the gloomy road I took.Why didn't my friend have these minor struggles so that he would've taken the same road as me?!​You can't blame this fellow of yours. I had the same questions myself.

There's nothing wrong with having questions on Hashem. Even Moshe Rabeinu had questions. And that's what your guy was doing. 

My dear friend, I wrote in my first post on this subject, for some of us the challenges we are currently facing are NOT because of our poor choices, and yes, the Hashgacha gave you those tests
I am writing about the challenges that we have brought upon ourselves. I think that was clear in my first post

**CENSORED**

R' Eerie, I have had similar thoughts myself, angry at Hashem, when really many, most, maybe even all of the issues were completely due to my poor choices.
I think it may be coming from a misunderstanding of the ways of Hashem, though I don't profess to know them. Your friend may think that because Hashem created everything in his universe, and runs his world with Hashgacha Pratis, that could be misunderstood as Hashem made me make these choices in my life. 
This is especially true when someone is in so much pain and confusion, angry and frustrated. He's taking this anger which is so extreme that he cant bear to take the blame himself, or put it on anyone else, i.e. his Parents, Rabbeim etc. Instead 'blaming' His Father in Shomayim. 
Yes its misplaced, but a real outcome of years of living a double life. If life sucks so much he needs someone to take the blame.
In some of my darkest days, I would tell Hashem "if you make me win the lottery ill stop acting out". Silly? Maybe. But in the place where I was and now your friend finds himself, a very unfortunate reality of our misplaced connection with Hakadosh Baruch Hu.
In a way its a very simplistic (albeit wrong) approach to Hashem.
As he heals and stops acting out, his relationship with Hashem will be completely redone, and he,ll bezh have the proper outlook and understanding of the ways of Hashem.

Not sure if Im clear...

Nope. 

You wrote: "...when really many, most, maybe even all of the issues were completely due to my poor choices". 

That's you. But it's not like that across the board. I, for one, do not blame myself for starting off. Were there points along the way that I am at fault? Sure! But the blame isn't entirely on my shoulders. At 12 years old, I had no idea what I was doing was wrong. And once the barrel began rolling, it rolled down the hill. 

I have questions, but they don't keep me awake at night. Nunu, I won't know the answer.

Maybe, just maybe, God wanted me to experience the pain so that one day I'll be able to help others. Maybe. I don't know. I still have the question, and there's nothing wrong with having questions. @eerie is trying to imply, as I was scolded for not reading his earlier post SLOWLY, that although we may not be at fault, one cannot blame God for one's actions. to which I kindly responded, so you can't blame ME, you can't blame GOD, who is to blame?! Great question!

Let's take this question with us to the grave (whoever gets up there first should come to the rest of us in a dream). Now, we gotta just put in the hard and fulfilling work and reclaim our lives.

@eerie, sending you all the love!

G'bye for now. Was great coming on after a long hiatus just to interject some sense here. The stage is all yours now. Keep saving lives.

For many, the poor choices were filling a need. The need is real. So the question is why did hashem send me this need that I could only fill with devarim assurim?

The answer usually is that the need was misunderstood and, although challenging, it could have been addressed in a healthy way. That would not have led the person down the rabbit hole.

It is important to understand that poor choices don’t happen in a vacuum, and while we regret them, overcoming each of them at the time may have been overwhelmingly difficult.

Just to add my opinion here, i too nebach had a very similar "relationship", i was extremely connected, and had a hell of a time breaking off, it was very real, it took me a few years to stop fantasizing about it... there were many ups and downs....., and at that time i was angry at everyone (besides myself), but looking back i will say while yes hashem was part of this big plan אודך ה' כי עניתני ותהי לי לישועה, i grew alot from all i went through.

HI,

so that is what I am struggling with now. I am a week in to GYE and I am 7 days clean. GYE definitely helps. However, I am having a little bout of depression. I am wondering if you or anyone else experienced that when they tried stopping. Usually, when I get this feeing I would watch P but now I am not sure how to fill the void. I know you are supposed to pick a hobby, but how am I supposed to do that if I am at work all day, come home, put the kids to sleep, try to give my wife attention, Night seder, Mariv, etc.

My two cents: I think it depends on the tone of the question of "why is Hashem doing this to me?"

When we look at our behaviors, there are some things that were clearly not in our control, like things we did as kids. Then there are things that are clearly in our control, like if I spoke lashon hara yesterday, and before doing so I had an internal struggle, and chose to speak anyways. Then you have a third category where it might be ליבו אנסו etc.

Assuming this conversation is about actions that are in that third category, where practically I did choose to do the deed, but given my psychological climate there's room to say it wasn't in my control, whether as a result of past choices that weren't in my control, or any other factors.

So the question is what's the tone of the question about what "Hashem" is doing to me? If it's a way to shirk responsibility, which is really relevant only regarding tshuva, I don't remember seeing anywhere that a person can shirk responsibility from his deeds by saying ליבו אנסו. (If the oilam has mekoros please share)

However - although we know we have bechira, we also know Hashem is fully in control of everything, (though we can't understand this fact, which in our logical framework is a contradiction.) Therefore even if a person did something bmaizid mamash lkol hadayos, and has no tzad in his mind that he can shirk one ounce of responsibility, it's still true to say that it's from Hashem, just like everything else. So when a person comes forward now to do tshuva, again, with bearing full responsibility, he can ask "why does Hashem want this from me?" without it being blaming Hashem. Because Hashem does want this matzav, and he wants davka the avoda that comes from coming back to him from this Matzav (or whatever giluy will come from it)

@Clean Mendy, totally maskim
@simchas Torah-great points, as usual

@ Yiftach, I apologize for hurting you. You see, I wrote that post and tried my best to be clear that many people are challenged by things that are not a result of their own choices. And I tried to be clear that I am not addressing those people and their questions at all. But, I failed to take into account the immense pain those people have because of those questions. And their pain caused them to understand I'm talking to them and judging them etc
So, although it was not my kavana, And I tried very hard to make that clear, the facts are that people took it that way. I am sorry for the pain I caused. Please forgive me

I hope to clarify once and for all. I was addressing those that are challenged by things that are of their own creation, challenges that their own poor choices have brought upon them. And there are such people here. I'm one of them. And it behooves THOSE PEOPLE to realize that Hashem didn't do it. 

@eerie, sorry, but you can't hurt someone even if you tried. 

I made some very bad choices that lead me to some very dark places. While Hashem didnt force me to make those choices and there was always some level of bechira, I could see no healthy way out of my situation and certainly did not grow up with the guidance or care needed to develop the kochos to resist. I know Hashem orchestrated my life story leading up to that point.
I want to regret making those choices, however much bechira I did or did not have. 
I believe there is a real road of personal growth one needs to journey until he can take responsibility for the consequences of something that came from having extremely compromised judgement and abilities, and owning his work on the road to kedusha.

As far ask asking questions on Hashem, may I suggest its all about the tone, whether of anger and hate or of pain and hurt. That tone comes from our level of familiarity with who Hashem is.
The Divrei Chayim's daughter's passed away at a young age and left very young yesomim. It was erev Shabbos and he returned directly from the levaya to mincha. The crowd present were astounded by his התלהבות and שמחה while saying the הודו of erev Shabbos. Afterwards someone went over and asked "how is it possible for the Rebbe to have such feelings of love to Hashem after such a heart breaking levaya?". The Divrei Chayim answered "When one get a very strong slap on the back, it hurts. But when he turns around and sees its his loving friend, everything changes. When I know the klap is Hashem, I know in what context it is being given, and I am full of gratitude for this love, because I know that however difficult it is, it is purely for my good. "

After relating this story, a great maggid shiur asked: What's with a person that never had a real friend? Never felt loved? You can tell him the klap he got is love and it's Hashem a thousand times to no avail. He doesn't know this language. He hears the words, but his heart has no idea what they mean.
I believe that many of us have this experience, to different degrees.
Therefore, its hard to judge when someone is angry at Hashem. The pain of not knowing love is excruciating to the level of מעבירין אותו על דעתו. 
Thank you @eerie for being such a pure and beautiful conduit of Hashem's love to us.
eerie wrote on 06 Aug 2025 05:24:

I find it hard to imagine anyone here waking up one bright morning in his mushlam life, having grown up in a perfect home and receiving amazing guidance be'inyanei kedusha venefesh, coming home from davening and and choosing a "poor choice" as his activity for the day. While they are poor choices, they are usually a product of a perceived need as @vehkam explained. While your description is accurate, it isn't complete.

adventurouspenguin88 wrote on 06 Aug 2025 03:34:

Hi, so this is very common. You are depressed (I don't know you personally, but many people who are depressed feel down about themselves in one or more ways, so that would be a part of it here if it applies to you), and the only escape you knew for years was porn (so your gut "knows" that "the way to escape is porn"). So now, when you feel down, you could be tempted to give in, and if you don't, you are just left with those feelings of being depressed (and perhaps negative feelings about yourself that are a big part of it, as mentioned).
To me, it is difficult to break free while staying in this setup. Even if you come up with another outlet to do instead - which you should do for now - it's often not enough in the long run. But if you solve your depression (and possible low self-esteem), you won't feel the need to escape from those feelings, and this angle of the struggle will be easier.
Ahh, but the catch-22 is that solving depression is very difficult. If you think you have low self-esteem, it would be easier to start in that direction. But sometimes therapy is needed, and at times it doesn't work. I think it's best for you to discuss this on your own thread with more details and perhaps some of the great tzaddikim here will have some suggestions for you.

simchastorah wrote on 06 Aug 2025 04:49:

Most rishonim and acharonim and ma’amarei chazal would disagree with this statement.

This is the way of the Izhbitser in Mei Hashiloach and Reb Tzadok and they were criticized for it.

The Rambam is clear in many places that if Hashem were to direct and orchestrate a person’s actions, the entire enterprise of the Torah would be a farce.

The thing we “can’t understand how it works” is yediah and bechira, not hashgacha and bechira. That is an esoteric concept of how Hashem’s knowledge of the future (not His orchestration of the future) must force its existence. 

Saying that Hashem is the actual Orchestrator of our actions and that we are simultaneously responsible for them is a paradox no mainstream Rishon, to my knowledge, has said that we must accept yet “we can’t understand it.”

That is an extra leap that is outside mainstream hashkafa.

bennyh wrote on 06 Aug 2025 19:29:

We are so fortunate to have you to guide us on the path of mainstream hashkafa, and I'm sure all those rishonim and achronim would be honored to have you letting us know what they would agree with.

If I had known there was a בור המתגלגל rolling around the רה"ר I wouldn't have ventured out, but my toe is already stubbed so I may as well keep strolling around as long as יש בו רק כדי להזיק ולא כדי להמית.

It is not at all out of the mainstream to say that Hashem is fully in control of everything. It's part of the most fundamental thing we say 'about' Hashem - that He is one.

I am talking about yediya and bechira. Yediya does not mean, as you put it, "Hashem's knowledge of the future." Yediya means that everything that exists - the entity and all of it's states - does so through being included in "Hashem's knowledge of himself." This is not Hashem being c'v able to "see into the future", this is Hashem being the source of everything and it's states.

But in the context of hashgacha too, we say Hashem is in complete control of everything.
The chovos halevavos, which most would call main stream, includes in his presentation of bitachon the perspective that no person can harm or help me. Rather it is Hashem alone who does so. So that means if someone hurts me, even though he did so of his own free will, and bears responsibility, I attribute what occurred to Hashem and not to the person. Does that not clearly demonstrate that we must simultaneously accept bechira and Hashem's total control of everything? And to say somehow that "l'gabei me Hashem did it, but l'gabei the guy, he did it" is nonsensical. If we can accept that when someone hurts me it's "coming from Hashem" then it's also true that when I do something wrong it's "coming from Hashem".
(And this that the ramchal writes that the development of רע is מצד the נבראים is not relevant to this conversation)