Dear Eerie,

Thanks for sharing your experience. You shared, because you wanted chizuk, but in the end, I think all of us continue to be inspired by you, and all the more so!

I tried to think of some brilliant profundity of chizuk to share with you, but all that came up was some faint buzz of static, and one overarching, overwhelming thought….

All I can think of is this: If not for you, I would not be here today.

If not for your warmth, empathy, compassion, acceptance, humor, humility, depth and wisdom, I would’ve probably moved on. You inspired me in my darkest hour, by saying little, okay, more than a little;), and... just being there.

I just wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you for that, and please continue to be there for us all.

With love and respect,

Youknowwho

I tried calling you to tell you this in person, but maybe others can also benefit from it so I'm posting it here:

To be brutally honest, there's nothing much to do or think that's going to make that ichy feeling go away. 

It sucks to mess up. It just does. And it feels horrible. As it should. Period.

You know all the possible chizzuk words that can be said, because you have said them hundreds of times to many of us on this forum, and you have coined many novel chizuk angles yourself. And yet the words feel empty and hollow to you in your own situation, because when we mess up, our neshama feels the yuckiness on a very deep level.

The ONLY thing that I find that is able to help me to move forward after such a situation is the following:

I let that ichy feeling swirl in my mouth. I try to imprint the memory deep into my psyche. I try to feel the hurt. And I take that feeling and store it in a bottle and file it away in my memory bank. And I tell myself that I NEVER AGAIN want to ever feel this way! What does all this shmutz do for me, heh?? It's just causing me to feel like a piece of garbage, like a failure! So it strengthens my resolve to be more careful, more vigilant, and more in control. And when a nisayon tries to creep up again, I can QUASH it by quickly retrieving the feeling from my memory bank, because it has been so deeply seared into my being.

It's a reality check, and an opportunity to build a stronger defensive posture.

There's no spin that's going to assuage your guilt. To me, this is the only way out and the only way forward.

Bennyh wrote on 17 Nov 2023 02:35:

Benny, 
I mostly agree with every word. Doesn’t take away from the benefit of Chizzuk, because a guy needs to feel like he can keep going. But, notwithstanding that, the message how to feel about messing up, as it relates to going forward, is as you say. Rigzu V’al Techetahu. 
Just want to make a point that I feel is important regarding the last line in your post.
I feel there’s a critical distinction between guilt and regret.  Guilt is generally not a constructive emotion , and doesn’t help a person improve (unless he’s trying to merely avoid the awful feeling, and there are other ways to avoid feeling awful). Regret is a positive and powerful constructive emotion, especially when tempered with Rachamim. 

After messing up, allow the bitter and disappointing taste to linger and become a feeling of genuine hopeful regret, enabling positive future growth, based on the empowerment of previous successes and buoyed by friends and Siyata Dishmaya- that’s the way.

איש את רעהו יאמר חזק!! 
גוט שבת 

מאן דבעי חיים

Dear Eerie, I'm sure it was quite a nasty feeling with what happened, and it must've taken quite the courage to post it!

A thought I had - For the lucky people that are zoche to have come to gye there are 2 stages in life. There is the stage before gye and before breaking free, and there is the stage after haven broken free. In the stage before breaking free, life is full of fighting and struggling and sometimes winning and sometimes losing. In this stage of life you are still a porn watcher, yet you fight not to be. Once you are zoche to break free, and ק"ו someone who's 400 days free is living a whole different life. You are now living life as a non porn watcher. I think there's a huge difference between someone who falls as a porn watcher, and someone who falls as a non porn watcher. Someone who falls while still a porn watcher is falling almost because that's who he is. Watching and lusting is part of his life, and he's fighting a losing battle and so falling is just around the corner. Every fall is literally part of who he is and part of the muddy struggling life he's living. Once you break free you are no longer living in that muddy mood, and with that strong constant battle. A small little fall in this stage should by no means be considered at all. A fall in this stage would and should mean only if you fell so hard that you were back in that muddy life. Even if someone falls all the way to P and M, once he's in this stage of life I'd hardly consider it a fall at all. If your slip wasn't because you were back in the mud then all it was was a small mistake. A missed opportunity to shteig a bit more. But a fall or slip???
You're still my hero!!!

Hashem Help Me wrote on 17 Nov 2023 00:43:

By me it usually works that I give myself hugs and she gives smacks...Just kidding! BH she is a nice lady, and she doesn't give me what I deserve
And really, thanks for mentioning my wife. If I ever need a reality check I just need to ask her:)

Dearest friends, Thank you all so much for all the insight. For the chizuk. And for pumping my limping ego:)
Seriously, I appreciate everyone's words. Including the ones who called and did not post. Or the guy who texted a 'waving hi' emoji. 
And I appreciate the ability to come say what happened. To have a place where I can let the pus out before it festers and becomes an infection.
But more than all, I appreciate the pain. Let's face it. I accept all chizuk, I believe it to be true, and I was still very hesitant to post. Because at the end of the day it's my failure. And that is what I appreciate. Because I have felt the bitter taste of being honest about what I did, I have met many of you, and even those that I have only spoken to know much about me, and I posted what I did, and it was very hard and embarrassing. 
And that itself gives me another reason not to fall! I know how ichy it's gonna feel to let you guys know. 
Thank you dearest friends and brothers! Onward and upward!

Sorry that I'm being late, It's really because I'm running ahead

Dearest Eerie, First of all, Congratulations for starting to post almost a year ago, It was the seed of redemption for you and countless guys here including myself. Second of all, Thanks for having the courage to let us know that you are human just like us. That you are not a robot sitting in some isolated office at the other end of the world. Next time you will tell me that you understand me and know how it feels I will feel it even more than till now.
I'm starting to believe that you also have some moody days but I just missed one again  .

You would have let us down if you wouldn't be honest with us and pretend that you are perfect. Thanks for having the courage to come out here to post despite the embarrassment, If you think that your ego is too big, than I hope you wont be my judge up there  .

Please remember that you are a truly amazing person who helped many and continues to, You are devoted to help others and it's who you really are (plus a ben torah;)). Come on, there is so much more to you! The thoughts you might have right now are normal, accept them and don't judge yourself according to them, they don't tell who you really are.

Go to your wife for a reality check,  you know how much they know  .

We are always here for each other don't forget to KEEP SMILING!!!!

All my love & admiration
True self

My dear friends, I hope the point I wrote last week didn't get lost in the tumult.
My friends, I also have many, many times has those 'irresistible urges', those days when you feel that if you don't watch something really lust-filled you'll lose your mind. Please remember that it's the air in the dough! The longer we'll stay away from the garbage, the more air we'll let out of our fantasies and utter narishkeit, and the easier it will be. I see it on my own flesh. Take heart! I'm no different than you, as you can see in my post from last week. So hold strong, know that it will get easier, and KEEP ON TRUCKING!

Maybe when Moshiach comes, threads like this will be publicly read like we do with Megillas Esther....   (and if it is done on Purim i guess we could wear masks )

Hashem Help Me wrote on 22 Nov 2023 12:24:

And the same Kanoim who stamp out the word "Eitz" will stamp out "porn" instead

Eerie wrote on 24 Nov 2022 19:25:

Hi there, dearest friends! Today is a year since I first posted. A year that changed so much of my perception of so many things, chiefly that of myself. 
After talking to one of my dear friends here tonight, and hearing him express how free he feels, how he never believed he would feel this way, and he keeps pinching himself to see if this is real, I must say if there's one thing I learned here it's the power of the Yiddishe neshama. The yearning to be free from the garbage the world has heaped upon us, that we have ingested, the limitless happiness that comes with being free. The way this friend expressed himself, in the same way that so many others have, expressing such gratitude to Hashem, such gratitude for finding GYE, the sheer happiness of living what they thought was a dream, living a life of kedusha. And GYE made it a dream come true.
My dear friends, I have learned so much from every one of you, I am inspired to no end by your stories, and I'm looking forward to continuing along this path along with all of you for many, many more years to come!

Dear Eerie, 

I'd like to congratulate you on this momentous milestone.

I've been thinking about this. You are not here to announce a streak. It is a milestone that is perhaps less about your own personal growth and rather more about your presence on GYE, helping to inspire others. It is about a year of staying here, to greet, encourage and inspire.

Then again, maybe it is one and the same. You've grown, higher and higher, and simply chosen to take us all on up for the ride...

Thanks for being the person only Reb Eerie can be!

Talking to some wonderful people here has made me stop and think, how much do we owe our wives? Can we ever repay them? They didn't dump us, they didn't throw us out, they put up with so much garbage, all while we haughtily explained that we are good, and 'can you stop being my mashgiach?',  who knows how many times they have cried themselves to sleep? How many times have they worried that their home is being tunneled into by someone much more dangerous than Hamas? How many times did they feel so hopeless and helpless, and see us scowling back, or at best staring blankly?
And when we finally start acting sane, all of a sudden we expect huge banners and flowers, trumpets announcing the entrance of his holiness himself. And 'doesn't she appreciate what I'm doing', 'how can she not be absolutely jumping for joy every time I come home'? My friends, I'm exaggerating, but only a little
My friends, excuse my language. We have been such jerks. And we can never repay them, no matter what we do for them. We should be humbly begging for forgiveness, and giving her the credit card and tell her there's no limit. Because there's truly no limit to what we owe these nashim tzidkoniois. May G-d bless them all

eerie wrote on 22 Dec 2023 18:59:

Stunning! Thanks, so true.

May G-d bless them and our troops (us)!

eerie wrote on 22 Dec 2023 18:59:

poor women now i understand the 
ברכה- שלא עשני אשה
what they go through.....