Hey, HB! Mazal tov on the 3 digits! Keep it up! I do agree with you that hearing it from people that are in the process of discovering it is a very powerful tool, but it's very tricky not to be triggering. Even the little that I've written brought on some mentions of triggers. But I will keep posting, most of it in the BB forum, but I'll let you know here if I put something there. Keep on trucking!

Thanks!!!

I'm thinking of just asking to be on the balbatim forum. There's no new info about sex I'm going to learn. Unfortunately I need a 'de-knowledging' not any more knowledge. Yes, on the specifics of Jewish intimacy too. I did a lot of halachic, biological, neurological, and behavioral research. (I'm ADHD and very compulsive, so whenever I have a question I research till I found out the answer, wherever it might be) I've in a funny/weird way heard 10s of more chosson & kallah shmuezzen then most people married for years. Its a weird little piece of info I'm sharing here. I'm ashamed and embarrassed that a part of me is compulsive, especially sexually. But hay their are some benefits too. Gaining some knowledge. Maybe ill be able to do something one day with it. As I'm sharing how compulsive i am on this public forum anonymously, I'm blushing and just hoping nobody judges me and everyone can still accept me. If anyone has reassurance, that would be really caring.

Human being wrote on 05 Dec 2022 01:08:

Hey, HB…I am also somewhat ADD and OCD. No shame, my friend. It’s all part of what makes us who we are. There is a lot of good that comes from people like us who relentlessly pursue answers. Yes, the compulsivity in our cases has also been channeled into unhealthy areas, but that’s just part of the package. Keep providing us with your thought-provoking posts. You make your adopted grandfather very proud! 

Hashem Help Me wrote on 04 Dec 2022 20:50:

I didnt get that

Shmuel wrote on 04 Dec 2022 22:32:

I love the site, so much stuff, but to see it in playing responses that one responds is a bit more realistic than an article or so that yes someone wrote and is many times reviewed, just may seem a bit far fetching to the viewer than a direct chat.

Human being wrote on 05 Dec 2022 01:08:

although I am not ADHD, but I do have similar understandings to going all the way through on a task, so this is something that's normal, so I don't think you should believe it's something wrong. Adding to that, I do feel it is beneficial to learn it up a few times, as chazarah and understanding kinyanim, but I personally don't get nor want to think on getting all the types of research, some make sense because it's more helpful, the other 2 I don't quite understand (nor am I asking) but it seems to be very impressing for such work, you never know what good you can bring out with that knowledge.

what comes out of compulsion is, mostly shame, a little giult, awkwordness and feeling really dumb. Hopefully ill one day be able to "be more accepting loving and non judgmental" based on all my compulsive forays into anything and everything Jewish sex
Anyways were jacking reb Eeries thread which has become a popular activity in recent days. So I'm going to continue it elsewhere.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 04 Dec 2022 20:50:

I've found this audio to be helpful in the prespective and objectification areas: guardyoureyes.com/GYEFiles/MP3s/Dov/Dov%20to%20Bochur%20News-story.mp3
BTW other recovery audio from Dov can also be helpful and they're usually appropriate for Bochurim in my opinion

Hi my good friends! I don't think you were hijacking my thread, as the discussion came from what I posted, which was my point. I want people to see the damage done by these things. I would add, that I mentioned many times that I'm a very emotional person, I think even more than my wife. Many times when people see the things we've seen, coupled with the fact that men are more physically based and women are more emotionally based, it causes trauma on the part of the wife. In m case, I think that the fact that I'm a very emotional person, and I have a marriage with a very strong emotional connection, I think that it limited the damage a lot. But I want to point out that there still is damage. I am very disturbed about that. I always knew that I shouldn't be watching etc. but I didn't realize that it would influence the dynamics of my marriage. And that bothers me very much. Maybe I'm a little obsessive as well, but I think about a lot these days, and it really disturbs me. My wife is very sheltered and I am so upset that I brought in things that don't belong. I did things she didn't really enjoy. And I hope that people reading this will realize that what they see there is not the normal way people connect. It is not the way a human being connects to his spouse. Every wife has her choice of deciding what she likes, but what's there is not the natural way. I hope that some people will learn from my mistake and spare themselves and their marriages the trauma. 
About your feelings, HB, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I teach my family all the time, the only thing you have to be embarrased of is if you did something wrong. the way Hashem wired your brain is not something you did. It's similar to desire. I, and most bachurim I think, and some married guys, used to think that I am bad because I desire things. But that plain false. desire was created by Hashem, and there's nothing wrong with me that I desire things. What IS up to me is to control those desires. What is up to you is to do what you can to help yourself, and although I don't know you from the way you write you seem to be a very intelligent fellow, so I'd assume you are doing what you can to be able to live a productive life in the service of Hashem. My friend, you remain unjudged. Keep sharing your insightful posts with us, here or anywhere!

Eerie wrote on 05 Dec 2022 18:41:

Thank you. That is nice to hear, it makes me feel a lot better. 

I generally do not talk Torah on this site and I certainly do not weigh in on philosophical nuanced stuff, however....

The Torah says: Lo sachmod, accordin' to many that means: do not covet/desire thin's that are not yours or that are wrong.

I am addicted to lots of stuff. I have acted upon those addictions as well. It is my responsibility to fix both those thin's. I may not equate the two and I may be more guilty of one more than the other, but even if God gave me those desires, which I have no way of knowin', He still would rather that I work on them somehow.

Yes, the Ibn Ezra, beis halevi, and more.

Godspeed to all

I wrote a little bit more about my discoveries in the BB forum
here's the link guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/388715-honest-conversation-with-my-wife

dear cordnoy, just wanting somebody else's stuff is not an aveirah. One is oiver only if he forces the owner to give it to him or somehow forces the situation to get what he wants. That said, it is not a middah toiva to covet somebody else's things. here we are discussing a different desire altogether. We are talking about sexual desire, which is not among the things the Torah says to eradicate from your heart. Of course, one must not harp on those desires or think  about them in a way that he grows those desires. That's part of what I meant when I wrote that what IS my job is to control those desires. Not only control from doing terrible things, but also to do my best to not cultivate that desire and cause it to grow. As much as possible to not think about it. Not look at things that are triggers. Also, we are talking here about the feeling that many people have that desire makes them bad, and that is not true. The desire is not something that they bring upon themselves, so it in no way defines them. and whatever desire is there naturally is not something that one must get rid of. I would love to hear what you have to say

cordnoy wrote on 05 Dec 2022 22:34:

I don't think that would apply to sexual desire that cant just get worked on and "fixed".

Human being wrote on 06 Dec 2022 00:17:

Covetin' your fellow's wife sounds pretty sexual to me.