iLoveHashem247 wrote on 09 Jun 2023 01:20:

Sounds painful and dispiriting! 

I know nothing about what you are going through, but when it comes to these addictions, it needs to hurt more in order to get better.

All the pain that used to be chased away artificially will need to be faced. It will need to be lived with. It will need to be experienced in full brutality. Then, only then, is there a way to move past it.

My friend, view the pain as medicine. Its not pain you may happen to experience on your way to recovery, it is pain you must endure as an integral and central part of your recovery. 

Hatzlacha!

did i mention that a good friend helped me get a supposedly very good therapist scheduled in-person once a week via insurance? 

Will see how first meeting goes, and was thinking of eventually sharing this thread with him if i feel it is shayach. 

has anyone here done that, and if so, how'd it go?

had an exciting day so far.

started by being up till 2 or 3 am after binging movies last night. Wife is not interested in touching me for weeks already so other than waking up on time not missing out on anything by being up late. it does mess up the next day though..

planned on going to AA meet before davening this evening.

Went to an appt in the morning, got pulled over for tinted windows, cop told me my license is suspended, first time i drove down that road instead of biking in probably a half year. pissed off wife gave me a ride home, found out it's from a ticket from 2019 ($50 ticket for right on red in NYC). paid a fine and got unsuspended.

hangry 

tired

triggerred

שבת שלום

Good news

 didn’t drink. looked for stuff next door but fortunately neighbor has not restocked recently. 

smoking out of the question bc I only know of dealers over the bridge from me and not looking for anyone closer. 

finished a pg-13 movie last night after trying to feel my wife out on her thoughts about my recovery too early… was not a happy night but fortunately no porn. 

the AA meeting right before Shabbat really helped. 


also some more good news 

I went to an 8am minyan this morning. Kinda because I had to be there but I went instead of weaseling out of it. I felt good. Went home and made some money before noon - not a big order but things are starting to pick up (finally). I’ve took an interest free loan from a relative and have been using the funds to pay off all my old debts. Now when I owe, I pay right away. 

still on step one of twelve -  need to solidify my feelings toward the idea of powerlessness before moving forward. I will start writing notes and ideas in a special handmade notebook my father gave me from his trip to Asia once. Was saving it for writing special things in it. I guess now is the time. 

I want to reach sobriety in my life. I rode a bike with one of my kids today. He was so happy. I just want to be a good Aba…

Also, I had a headache Shabbat day even after hydrating a lot. 

I pushed off taking Advil until around seven or 8 o’clock.

The reason I did, so was as a training exercise to accustom myself to being OK with being uncomfortable

Not sure if it was a smart idea or a stupid idea but I dealt with it

Not so resilient about not feeling well, but I’m trying

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 11 Jun 2023 16:34:

That last line really touched me. You are well on your way, iLoveHashem247.

Reading your story, it sounds to me, like someone slowly emerging out of a dark dark cloud, that they have been in for years.

It will taoe time, but keep it up!

cordnoy wrote on 08 Jun 2023 03:52:

Cords at his best.
every word!
Thanks for the laugh, I havent laughed so hard in a while.

Was feeling very sad yesterday when the reality of the enormity of what I’m fighting against hit me

made some phone calls and felt better

then cleaned the kitchen and infilled, refilled , and ran the dishwasher to ease things for my wife. 

My friend who is in SA told me a great quote last night: 
Made an effort to wake up early and call my sponsor. He liked the quote and said that part of our disease is that we want too much, too fast. We need to learn to take our lives [and our progress] one day at a time. 

Starting therapy today

yay

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 14 Jun 2023 12:50:

Good for you. Just keep in mind these two important points. 1. If you can’t tell the therapist your deepest darkest secrets then you need to find a new one, that isn’t to say that you need to spill everything on day one you just have to be comfortable enough with the therapist to be able to spill everything eventually and 2. Therapy like everything else worth doing takes time Stay Calm and Trust The Process 

Thank for the tips, Foolie. 

I completely agree, if I cannot be honest in the forums in which I am seeking help, then it is a big waste of everyone’s time. 

Also, I cannot remember the last time I was intimate with my wife. Must’ve been many weeks ago maybe a month or two. And I have been at peace with that.

Focusing on giving instead of taking and doing a hard reset on my attitude towards life

I have been thinking that telling the truth to myself and those that are close to me for example, my wife, my mentor, my Rav and my Rebbe; to be brutally honest - it really hurts especially in the beginning! It is uncomfortable and embarrassing at first, but I do feel good after the fact. Reflecting upon my position now, a few weeks into my serious full-time efforts into my recovery, I had a refreshing thought.  I am grateful that I can just be HONEST with those people around me.

I don’t have to live the lie anymore

I only have one life, not a double life

If I’m struggling, I can tell the truth

and it’s absolutely amazing!

The title of my thread, “my story, being open for once,” must’ve been a premonition of one of the core areas upon which I had to focus.

It’s a relief

Thank you all, for coming along for the ride

I know that once this life is over, and I will be in the next stage of life, free of my body and my physical constraints, there will be no hiding behind anything, and I will have to ultimately face the truth. All of the truths, in fact. 

I might as well feel the pain now, and be comfortable when I get to my destination…

Also, does anyone know why there is a grey star next to my thread title when looking at the list of threads?

I noticed it on a few threads but don’t know how it got there

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 14 Jun 2023 14:26:

Because you’re a star. 

But to your post just before that. The most freeing thing in the world is not having to hide who you are from the people who want/need to see the real you