Hi all. This is my first post on GYE's forum.
I'm between 20 and 24 years of age (vague on purpose) and I have struggled with Hotza'as Zera Levatala for nearly 5 years.
This obviously has bled into other aspects of kedusha such as shmiras einayim online and in real life.
There has obviously been better times and worse, strategies that were more effective than others, tekufas of resilience and tekufas of despair.
A fundamental notion underlying my struggles has been the unanswerable question of why Hashem chose to seemingly derail my life and send it through a 'different part of the woods'. I attempt to believe that all is for the best and the eternal attempts to come to an understanding if not the full answer to this question is not my avodah.
As things stand, I have reached new lows and have never felt this much pain, sadness, urgency, depression and pressure.
I grew up frum, when to frum schools, went to yeshiva in Israel for a bit and now struggle with yiddishkeit.
Hence I know all the 'eitzahs'. Or, put in a less arrogant way, I have tried all the eitzahs and know all the torahs on kedusha.
When one is struggling and that struggle is linked to Hashem, and his/her yiddishkeit is shaky, then it doesn't even help to hear answers like 'daven', 'do mitzvahs with sincerity', 'know how much schar you get for defeating the yetzer harah even for a moment', 'Hashem still loves you', etc.
Those things mean nothing now.
Hence, I am unsure as to how to end this post. 'Any chizuk will be appreciated' won't work.
Thus, I end this post like this:
At the age of 18 I was a good kid and had it all going for me. Now my life is upside down and there is no way out. Why, Hashem, why?

microwave613 wrote on 04 Sep 2022 13:02:

I feel your pain.  I am hesitant to give you much in the way of "eitzah's" as you say that you have heard it all already.  I do have to correct one thing that you said.  You ended off that "now my life is upside down and there is no way out".  There definitely is a way out.  You just haven't found it yet. (that is probably what you meant....)  It took me over 30 years to find the way out.  There were long periods in my life where i stopped trying and i did not think it was possible for me to find a way out.  When the opportunity to escape came i was as much surprised as i was excited and thankful.  

Deep down you know your essence.  You clearly desire to roll back the clock and once again be that good kid of 18 years old.  That kid is still in you and will come out and shine once again.  (It will not take you over 30 years like it took me.  i did not have the tools, support and knowledge available today).

In the meantime, please accept yourself with all your flaws.  Try to improve in small ways, but don't beat yourself up for the perceived aveiros that you are doing.  Assess yourself and see what small meaningful things you can do in a positive way.  If you can daven with kavana for even five seconds a day that is huge.  Tiny steps lead to giant men.  You are engaged in a struggle.  You will get through it.  And when you do, you will no longer have any questions.

I hope that this was helpful and apologize if any of my answer adds to your pain.
.  
vehkam

I'm so sorry to hear your pain. I think I can relate to much of what you wrote (think is in italics so as to not suggest I can 100% appreciate your exact situation). I felt such similar pain before I started breaking free using GYE.

Sadly, porn and masturbation is as addictive as the worst drugs out there (according to Rabbi Dr. Twersky זצ״ל). Based on your post, it sounds like a "religious approach" (that is, thinking about the yetzer hara and a battle with the yetzer hara) might not work the best for you right now. Honestly, I don't think it's working for a lot of people, either. I recommend that you approach this problem as an addiction. Addiction is a medical problem affecting you, not a problem with you as a person. You (along with millions of other people in the world) are very possibly addicted to porn and masturbation like an alcohol addict is to alcohol. I'm sure some people will disagree with me on this, but, it's an open forum for a reason. That's my non-professional opinion. In "99%" of cases it's an אונס. But that doesn't change the situation. Clal yisroel (and כל שכן the rest of the world) sadly faces addiction to porn on a massive level.



Deeply reflecting on this one year ago was the requisite mindset shift for me to break free. When I decided that God wants me to approach this problem as an addiction, not as a battle with the yetzer hara, I began having success. Just like pneumonia is not a battle with the yetzer hara, but a disease, addiction is also a disease (Yes, we can talk about the yetzer hara for arayos, but let's first treat the disease and then start talking about the yetzer hara). This mindset change has worked for me. I stopped feeling doomed for eternity. I stopped feeling like Hashem is ready to strike me down because I was a sinner. I realized that Hashem wants me to get help to treat my disease called addiction.

Baruch Hashem, I'm almost 365 days clean now, with God's help and a lot of tefillah and physical agony from withdrawal pain and mesiras nefesh every single day to guard my eyes and move my mind on from fantasies).



You have to be ready to endure physical pain though to beat an addiction. Withdrawal pain is agonizing and can last weeks or longer depending on how your mind works and how much you let it dwell on fantasies (which is, as I'm fond of saying, at the root of it all). Moving your mind on from fantasies is not easy by any means. But this physical pain is the pain of growing in life. It's the pain of being a someone in this world and not an addict. And what's at stake if we don't break this addiction? Your entire life is at stake. Your marriage. Your happiness. Your learning. Your this world and your next world. Your everything. Addiction takes a person and burns his whole life to the ground and doesn't spare anything.



I think the biggest problem is that we aren't willing to suffer physical pain and deprivation of physical pleasures to accomplish greatness. But that's what it takes to beat an addiction.



Keep sharing more with more posts.

Best of luck, אחי.

Thanks for this down to earth post.

Welcome to the club brother!
I relate very much both to your frustration with this struggle, the sense that "I've tried everything and it doesn't work", and the crisis of faith which renders all of the Chizuk and inspiration meaningless and ineffective.
Just as you don't seek eitzos, I don't have any. I'm just a fellow traveler around the same age as you with similar struggles. Hopefully we will both overcome and look back at this difficult period as the intense darkness of night that immediately precedes dawn.

If you would like to be in touch, PM me or email me at OivedElokim@Yahoo.com. Would love to shmooze, and I personally find it very healing to be in touch with chevreh from this site. especially those of a similar age and background. Maybe you will too...

Sending a virtual hug,

OivedElokim

Hey, welcome!!  I really feel your pain and I can relate to a lot of what your saying.

There is a way out even if you may not have found it yet, as evidenced by the  many folks here that have found it. I myself feel that I am starting to find a way out  as well (and have been looking for a lot longer than 6 yrs.) though it takes courage, patience, compassion and perseverance. Browse the forums, talk to people and learn from other peoples experience, It takes time and effort to learn which tools will help you.

As 5Uu80*cdwB#^ stated, withdrawal is real and can be painful both physically and emotionally, but change often begins when the pain of staying the same, is greater than the pain of changing.

You wrote


It's interesting, in a way I am so much closer to Hashem than I've been before, surrendering to him and talking to him even though my davening and learning has been pretty cold or non existent as of late. I've learnt that Hashem does love me (though sometimes it's hard to believe), but I didn't love me. I also realized that chizuk and religious reasons were/are not enough for me to change. It's that change that I want in my life which is  motivating me to change and to take the steps I need to take.

Me once wrote "Running franticly from the y"h thereby feeling pressure, fear, anxiety, eventual exhaustion, which in the end  leads to a fall. Why? It is the VERY stress, and anxiety of this type of approach which beckons us to return to the acting out, in order to sooth our pains so to speak."

I'm learning to take one day at a time which means not worrying about tomorrow , but also, not worrying about yesterday.

In short, I can't tell you why Hashem gave you these challenges, but stick around, it'll help.