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Beginning of a journey-to learn to love my wife 20 Jul 2022 13:12 #383597

Ari1990
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Hi everyone
i would like to share with you my story.

As far i remember myself i have being attracted to women. My sisters friends, cleaning lady's, books and so on.
when i was in yeshiva i started to watch porn and to chat with women on the net.
during summer i was going to mixed beaches
i was still very connected to my learning even do i had mixed feeling about being religious.
i need to say that i am a very shy and introverted person.
Masturbating started quite early as soon i became bar mitsva.

somehow i managed to get married. i was pushed by my rabbi to get married with my wife even do i was hesitating. i was told that it would pass after the chupah.

and guess what...?

it didn't.... i just found out about her default, about her being insensitive to anything sexual and to be a very closed minded person.

very quickly i found myself back to watch staff (i was in Kollel then)

i started to talk with other women and guys (mostly) exchanging experiences..
starting to get into the business of f*** porn and so on.

about 5 years ago i opened a fake FB account with the hope to meet someone there.

i felted bad about watching porn and i decided that its better to sin in real life rather to dream on pics and videos

i did meet one women from there ( after spending hours to try to get the right ''catch'')

i limited myself not have a real aveirah (halkha wise and also it made me feel less guilty towards my wife)

i was very shocked of myself and i stopped on the spot everything.

then yetser harah came back and i reopened my account on and off

mostly watching staff

a few months ago i meet one more women .

married and frum ( i have to say that i am mainly attracted to frum women)

*******. and then i felt so low with myself i decided to stop it all at once. i deleted all accounts and phones numbers and became a good boy.

But the need was still there. so i started again to watch porn.. at work (i work in a no frum office in Israel)

almost got caugt a few times but the urge was to strong.

AND then it came.....

i found some blood in my pee. went to do routine test only to find out about a polyp in urine system.

i started to freak out and felt for the first time a real call from above to change my ways.

i was (and still is) completely broken. i started to imagine myself leaving this world like a baal aveirah, unpure, with all the malakhim created by me attacking me....

i told everything to my wife.

She was totally devastated.

i was expecting a very taff reaction, instead of that she cried out her soul asking me why i was hurting her so much. Her pain really toke me aback and i realized how much she loved me.
the fact i told her everything about myself was such a relief that i felted so good and happy.

We went to a marriage conselor and he is tryng to help us.

it is not easy. I realized that i never learned to love myself. and to love my wife. for real. with all my heart.

we are very worried the both of us about getting divorced.

we want to fight for our kids.

and she has proven to me the best proof of love i could even imagine of.

so we are going to work on ourselves. to repare our marriage. for me to stop with my addiction.

here are the steps i took so far:

Stop staring at women on the street.
learning mishnayos by heart and repaeting them while walking on the street
tikoun aklali
filter on phone and computer
triyng very hard to love my wife. (this point is very scary....to be explained in a different post)
investing myslef in my marriage.

to be continued

Last Edit: 26 Jul 2022 13:10 by Ari1990. Reason: people said is giving them bad ideas

Re: Beginning of a journey-to learn to love my wife 20 Jul 2022 14:10 #383601

lchaim tovim
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Wow! Welcome aboard and thank you for sharing your story. You came to the right place, were all here to support you and grow with you.

Unbelievable what you are working on as is your wife's support.

In terms of learning to love your wife and and investing in your marriage, I highly recommend you read this thread cover to cover. It also has a wealth of knowledge regarding overcoming lusting in general. It has completely changed my perspective and many other folks as well.

guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/210070-Mikvah-Night---Edition--29">guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/210070-Mikvah-Night---Edition--29 />
I hope it helps.

Last Edit: 20 Jul 2022 14:11 by lchaim tovim.

Re: Beginning of a journey-to learn to love my wife 20 Jul 2022 14:21 #383602

vehkam
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Ari1990 wrote on 20 Jul 2022 13:12:

Hi everyone
i would like to share with you my story.

As far i remember myself i have being attracted to women. My sisters friends, cleaning lady's, books and so on.
when i was in yeshiva i started to watch porn and to chat with women on the net.
during summer i was going to mixed beaches
i was still very connected to my learning even do i had mixed feeling about being religious.
i need to say that i am a very shy and introverted person.
Masturbating started quite early as soon i became bar mitsva.

somehow i managed to get married. i was pushed by my rabbi to get married with my wife even do i was hesitating. i was told that it would pass after the chupah.

and guess what...?

it didn't.... i just found out about her default, about her being insensitive to anything sexual and to be a very closed minded person.

very quickly i found myself back to watch staff (i was in Kollel then)

i started to talk with other women and guys (mostly) exchanging experiences..
starting to get into the business of frum porn and so on.

about 5 years ago i opened a fake FB account with the hope to meet someone there.

i felted bad about watching porn and i decided that its better to sin in real life rather to dream on pics and videos

i did meet one women from there ( after spending hours to try to get the right ''catch'')

i limited myself not have a real aveirah (halkha wise and also it made me feel less guilty towards my wife)

i was very shocked of myself and i stopped on the spot everything.

then yetser harah came back and i reopened my account on and off

mostly watching staff

a few months ago i meet one more women on FB.

married and frum ( i have to say that i am mainly attracted to frum women)

we meet a couple times. and then i felt so low with myself i decided to stop it all at once. i deleted all accounts and phones numbers and became a good boy.

But the need was still there. so i started again to watch porn.. at work (i work in a no frum office in Israel)

almost got caugt a few times but the urge was to strong.

AND then it came.....

i found some blood in my pee. went to do routine test only to find out about a polyp in urine system.

i started to freak out and felt for the first time a real call from above to change my ways.

i was (and still is) completely broken. i started to imagine myself leaving this world like a baal aveirah, unpure, with all the malakhim created by me attacking me....

i told everything to my wife.

She was totally devastated.

i was expecting a very taff reaction, instead of that she cried out her soul asking me why i was hurting her so much. Her pain really toke me aback and i realized how much she loved me.
the fact i told her everything about myself was such a relief that i felted so good and happy.

We went to a marriage conselor and he is tryng to help us.

it is not easy. I realized that i never learned to love myself. and to love my wife. for real. with all my heart.

we are very worried the both of us about getting divorced.

we want to fight for our kids.

and she has proven to me the best proof of love i could even imagine of.

so we are going to work on ourselves. to repare our marriage. for me to stop with my addiction.

here are the steps i took so far:

Stop staring at women on the street.
learning mishnayos by heart and repaeting them while walking on the street
tikoun aklali
filter on phone and computer
triyng very hard to love my wife. (this point is very scary....to be explained in a different post)
investing myslef in my marriage.

to be continued

thank you for coming on here and relating your difficult and painful story. it is clear that one thing led to another and that the non crossable lines kept moving. this is how the yetzer hara works. Please keep connected here. we will not judge and will only try to help. You have a father in heaven who loves you with unconditional love. He has been waiting for you. Allow yourself to feel his love and to love him back.

wishing you much success

vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me. Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.

some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me. This is ok. I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves. If you do realize that you know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.

Re: Beginning of a journey-to learn to love my wife 22 Jul 2022 15:03 #383723

bigmoish
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Posts: 1194
Karma: 170

Lchaim Tovim wrote on 20 Jul 2022 14:10:

Correct link is here:
Forum (guardyoureyes.com)
One reason it helps is because you will not be acting out for the 78.5 hours it will take to read the whole thread.

Handbook | Skep's Tips
My threads:
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/236327-Bigmoish-tries-to-be-good
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/236329-Bigmoishs-path-to-tahara

"We have met the enemy and he is us" - Pogo
"Expectation is the mother of frustration" - gibbor120
"Today, damn it! Today!" - cordnoy
"Desiring is not a sin at all, but just a sign that you are not dead yet" - Dov
"We are our own worst observer" - eslaasos's therapist
WDHW!!!

Last Edit: 22 Jul 2022 15:04 by bigmoish.

Re: Beginning of a journey-to learn to love my wife 22 Jul 2022 15:09 #383725

lchaim tovim Current streak: 4 days OFFLINE Gold Boarder Posts: 305 Karma: 22	Thank you, I didn't realize the link was bad. so true about the 78.5 hours and the additional time spent trying to digest everything. This thread changed and challenged my perspective on just about everything.

Re: Beginning of a journey-to learn to love my wife 22 Jul 2022 15:38 #383727

steveblum Current streak: 15 days OFFLINE Junior Boarder Posts: 24 Karma: 6	Ari ur in the right place and I can relate to everything u said I also attracted to frum women and frum porn wich makes our struggle very hard bcs we are faced with our struggle everytime we walk in the street. I'm still on the roller coaster I fall and get up constantly but the most important thing for me is the #1 KEEP UR EYES TO YOURSELF!!

Re: Beginning of a journey-to learn to love my wife 22 Jul 2022 16:42 #383738

lchaim tovim
Current streak: 4 days
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Posts: 305
Karma: 22

sleepy wrote on 22 Jul 2022 16:11:

Steveblum wrote on 22 Jul 2022 15:38:

Ari ur in the right place
and I can relate to everything u said I also attracted to frum women and frum porn wich makes our struggle very hard bcs we are faced with our struggle everytime we walk in the street. I'm still on the roller coaster I fall and get up constantly but the most important thing for me is the #1 KEEP UR EYES TO YOURSELF!!

frum porn?

Don't google that

Re: Beginning of a journey-to learn to love my wife 24 Jul 2022 17:44 #383790

steveblum Current streak: 15 days OFFLINE Junior Boarder Posts: 24 Karma: 6	והמבין יבין!! He is right don't Google it

Re: Beginning of a journey-to learn to love my wife 24 Jul 2022 17:59 #383791

To Yosef Hatzaddik
Current streak: 1 day
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Posts: 221

I'm not married, and I did not grow up frum either, and I'm definitely not a marriage counselor, so if anyone objects to what I'm going to say, feel free to post just please state why.

What I'm thinking is that you get accountability software on both your phone and computer and have your wife as the ally/partner through the software, if you think you would be ready for that and if you want to do this. I think that if you are ready for this, it has the potential to establish more trust between you and your wife because she would be able to see your actions on the internet. If you are not ready for that, then I'm sure you can tell that it has the potential to make things a lot, lot worse.

After you talk with other married people on GYE, or in person, about this, look into my signature for some really good (and free) accountability solutions and how to set them up, if you think that this would be a good idea. Feel free to get these accountability services without implementing this idea, I personally think they are necessary even with paid A.I. based filters like gentech or netspark etc.

The following is for your reference in regards to the idea if you become interested in this after speaking about it with others, if you want to get the accountability solutions without implementing the idea then look into the post that is linked in my signature below for the instructions on how to do that:

Microsoft family safety is really good for any Windows computer and you would set your wife as the family organizer in order for this idea to work, and it should be used in addition to CovenantEyes. And you can get CovenantEyes for free through Webchaver, and this is a great to use on any apple computers/laptops and on any Windows computers/laptops. It's also really good for any android mobile devices, but for iPads and iPhones it's not as good because the accountability works only in the browser app that they offer. So it may be worth it to switch to an android device because the accountability would work across the entire device and across all apps, or you can simply delete the problematic apps from your iphone/ipad like any social media e.i. facebook, and video playing apps e.i. youtube, and instead access them through their websites on the CovenantEyes browser app (if you absolutely need to have access to them otherwise you should block them with apple screentime which is in the post linked in my signature).
If you see the post that I linked in my signature, and you see the directions for setting up webchaver, the person who you should give ownership over your account would be your wife, since we are talking specifically in regards to the idea I mentioned. If you add her as an ally through webchaver and you use webchaver through the free method in my signature, she will only be able to see the screenshots that get labeled as questionable and 100% explicit. The AI for the questionable reports isn't that good though, so screenshots that should be labeled questionable sometimes pass the AI, so in this regard it would be better for her to be the owner of the webchaver account because only then can she see all the screenshots taken of your activity, Irregardless of whether they get labeled as questionable or explicit.

FOR FREE FILTERS AND ACCOUNTABILITY SOLUTIONS CLICK HERE
(Includes WebChaver/CovenantEyes, Microsoft Family Safety, and Apple
Screentime and a how-to guide to set them up without loopholes)

Even if you already have a filter, these are necessary additions because
they fix many loopholes that exist with paid filters (speaking from firsthand
experience) and because they add priceless accountability features.

If you have trouble filtering a shared device, then see the post for how
to get these filters discreetly, without any other users' knowledge whatsoever
and without the filters affecting the other users of the device at all.

Last Edit: 24 Jul 2022 18:16 by To Yosef Hatzaddik.

Re: Beginning of a journey-to learn to love my wife 24 Jul 2022 20:45 #383799

cordnoy
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Havin' ones wife be his accountability partner is one of the worst ideas possible; a recipe for a failed marriage. Can it work? Anythin' could, but highly not advisable.

My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin

Warning: Spoiler!

My job: Punchin' bag of GYE - "NeshamaInCharge"
Quote from the chevra: "Is Cordnoy truly a Treasure Island pirate from the Southern Seas?"

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Beginning of a journey-to learn to love my wife 25 Jul 2022 02:11 #383811

shmuel Current streak: 578 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 342 Karma: 14	cordnoy wrote on 24 Jul 2022 20:45: Havin' ones wife be his accountability partner is one of the worst ideas possible; a recipe for a failed marriage. Can it work? Anythin' could, but highly not advisable. YES!! Warning: Spoiler! PS. A good rule of thumb is to only share from personal experience...

Re: Beginning of a journey-to learn to love my wife 25 Jul 2022 15:00 #383816

future paltiel
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sleepy wrote on 22 Jul 2022 16:11:

Steveblum wrote on 22 Jul 2022 15:38:

frum porn?

There's nothing to find out about. If you don't know better keep it that way

www.theyeshiva.net/jewish/8460/adult-content-webinar-with-rabbi-yy-eli-nash-the-shame-around-addiction

Re: Beginning of a journey-to learn to love my wife 31 Jul 2022 12:30 #384153

Ari1990
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Hi everyone

i am here again. Thanks to all for your support.

About telling to your wife: i don't know what is right thing to do. I my case i feel much of relief to be honest toward my wife. on the second hand it is very hard and there is up's and down's all the time in our relationship. Please ask your Rabbi first what to do. I my case, i was so worried about my medical condition that i just couldn't hold myself from not telling her.

I don't have much of temptation by now since i am very busy with the medical process i am going through now.

It is also complicated because in the time i have to repair my marriage and i don't feel that i have enough strength to invest myself into it.

I spoke to a Rabbi last week and told me i should do tchouva from אהבה rather do from יראה.

So i am reading sforim about it and i am trying to get my heart to melt a bit.

I just want to tell you guys... don't wait to get a bomb on your head to start changing....i have being keeping pushing and pushing my tchouva so many times and now i am so sorry i haven't done it before.....

Wishing you all much of success and good health

Last Edit: 31 Jul 2022 12:32 by Ari1990.

Re: Beginning of a journey-to learn to love my wife 31 Jul 2022 13:10 #384155

vehkam
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the advice that was given to me regarding teshuva was that i should not focus on it. Instead i should focus on embracing myself and understanding that this person that wants so much to do the right thing was really me deep down all of this time. I was able to acquire a strong connection to hashem through my work on davening. As time goes on the teshuva is happening naturally. I regret the path that i went down and all the aveiros and i am committed to not repeat them. I focus a lot on how much hashem loves me and my desire is to reflect that love back to hashem.

keep posting and connecting.
best wishes
vehkam

Re: Beginning of a journey-to learn to love my wife 31 Jul 2022 13:45 #384159

future paltiel
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Ari 1990 a big יישר כח to you for your commitment. May Hashem guide on your journey to Nachas and Hatzlacha. When it comes to Teshuva it is important it be done the right way. While many sifrei Mussar do speak about it, we are doing here with difficulties that are unprecedented. Therefore, it is best to start with some of the top here on GYE such as Teshuva through Recovery in the audio library, The Fight, as well as the Flight to freedom program to address the issue directly and everything that comes with it.
if you have any quespionage feel free to PM me.

www.theyeshiva.net/jewish/8460/adult-content-webinar-with-rabbi-yy-eli-nash-the-shame-around-addiction