Hi I’m 19 and new here, I wanna share my story even though it’s long and hard for me to re tell. I decided I have to after seeing the others on here who did the same. Their stories made the fight a drop easier for me so how can I not share mine.
My story doesn’t have a starting point because it started before I can even remember or had a clue what I was doing. From an extremely early age I was a super curious kid, I don’t know what led me to but as long as I can remember anyone I was friends with I had a “sexual relationship” obviously when I was 5 there was nothing I could do but that didn’t stop me. I grew up in a regular frum community so after a few years I was looked at badly to play with girls. Right around that time a new boy moved onto the block and we became friends right away, it goes without saying how things turned out. At every opportunity we had alone our pants were down. In the beginning we didn’t do much but as time went on that change obviously.
While all this was happening I also had access to phones. I can’t blame my parents cuz they didn’t know better, but I learned quickly that I’m really savvy and every old phone in the house I was watching porn on. I still remember the day I found the site we know all to well, I felt like I hit the jackpot.
Back to my new friend, in the beginning it was just me and him but we we’re always look for more ppl, and we got what we were looking for. Aside from being tech savvy I’m an extremely smooth talker and an even better liar. With those that I didn’t even realize I had we dragged more and more ppl into our “club”. Some it was a one and done, others stayed longer. But we pretty much got everyone we tried. We would spend hours together every single day, for years.
I floated through elementary school getting just enough grades to pass. I didn’t care abt much else and I flew under the radar by not being loud or quiet. Towards the end of 8th grade I got my first smart phone from Walmart. I went and put a “filter” on it just in case I got caught, I could show it was kosher. Obviously it was no filter and I was watching porn and masturbating daily. It didn’t both me even though I knew it was wrong because even though I grew up in a regular frum environment judaism didn’t have much value by me. I still went through all the motions, davening, going to school ect. but that was just to keep ppl off my back.
I lived this life for over 10 years, watching, masturbating, doing it with others, or by myself cuz I was bored. I was my parents first boy so they had no idea if my behaviors were normal. In hind sight I do wonder what they were thinking when a 13 year old me spent 4 hrs in my room with my door locked not making a sound.
This lifestyle continued all the way through high school. I wasn’t in a great yeshiva but it was a good one. Eventually I told my parents abt my phone, I’m not sure why I did it but I was probably looking for some sort of attention from them. To put it nicely, they flipped out. In their eyes I was OTD. The truth was, I wasn’t even close but they had no way of knowing that and neither did I. From there my dad knew he couldn’t take away my smart phones but he insisted on buying them for me. No matter what phone he got me I got around the filter but I never told him till I wanted a new phone, then I would tell him I broke through and he would get me a new one in a heartbeat.
At the end of 11th grade, I woke up it didn’t happen over night but I quickly realized this isn’t how life is supposed to be. So first I stopped watching movies, then after that I deleted social media. In the beginning of 12th grade I made did the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. And you won’t understand how difficult it was until you’ve done it. With the convincing of my best friend (a kosher one who I had a real friendship with) he and my rebbi pushed me to try it for a week. I remember that week like yesterday handing my rebbi my phone and switching to a flip phone, it’s impossible to put into words but it felt like I was being locked away from the world in a small box, and each day it felt like the air was being sucked away from me.
But being the stubborn boy I am, I had to finish the week, and I did! By that time it was a big hype in yeshiva what u had done and I couldn’t go back. I can say it straight out I was peer pressured to stay off it. I stayed off for one year but don’t applaud me. Because if you think I dropped porn just like that, I hadn’t. It only made me more desperate to watch. And I found ways whenever I needed it.
During this time I got to know someone who would change my life and is the reason I’m here typing this. When I went phone free my day tripled in size. I needed more to do so I joined local organization. I thought getting rid of it would solve all my problems life would become storybook perfect, but it didn’t. It only got worse. I became more addicted and was watching and doing more then before. I knew I had to get help but was to scared to ask. I honestly felt if I asked someone for help he would stop talking to me, tell my parents, rebbim and everyone who knew me what I was doing. So I held it in for a long and unhealthy time. That all changed I was trying to get clean myself and was 8 weeks in when I couldn’t control it anymore and broke the streak with someone else. I was so shattered because of how conscious of a mess up it was. I knew I wasn’t gonna be happy with it but couldn’t help it.
That’s when I took a HUGE leap of faith and fell back on the one person I felt I could trust. He was a bunch of years older then me and I told myself if this doesn’t work I’m not trusting a sole again. I remember telling him my whole story you just read from start to finish. He asked a few questions but didn’t sound shocked. He told me that I was still a regular person and that there nothing wrong with me. Looking back now even though it was abt 8 months ago I’m a long way from where I was then. I felt like I was being buried by the world but he showed me I wasn’t being buried I was being planted. He convinced me to go for professional help which I started a few weeks ago and I hope will help. When I started my fight to get clean I made a strong effort not go point fingers. I said I can blame ppl from today till tomorrow but none of that will help me get out.
Last week when I saw this site for the first time it sounds cliché but the stones rolled of my chest. I felt so normal, so ok, I felt not alone, which for me is the hardest part of the fight. I’m currently 7 days clean as of writing this, but more importantly, the whole world seems a little less evil
Thanks for reading my story
Y.S.
