iwillmanage wrote on 19 Apr 2023 23:40:
Eerie wrote on 19 Apr 2023 17:59:
Wanted to share with the oilam.
I am BH up to 240 days, kein yirbu beH. I recently posted how BH this journey has been mostly much easier than I expected it to be, and in the past few months I have sometimes thought that I am past all this, I will never fall again. BH I still did not fall, but I learned again of my weakness and of all the safeguards we need in place.
One of the first I did when I started my journey upwards was that I made a kabbalah that I do not use an unsafe device, and if the need arises I will text my accountability partner before I get on it, and I will report to him when I get off. If I use it without texting first I will rip $200 to shreds Yesterday I needed to use an unsafe device for something, and I texted my partner that I will be on. While I was using it I had a very strong urge to use it to "just check something, news maybe etc....", I really wanted to click on the browser, and the YH put up quite a fight, but what kept me strong was that I knew I have a partner to answer to.
Lesson learned: I still have a YH (surprise, surprise!) that is very powerful! And having an accountability partner is invaluable! So thank you Hashem for friends that stand by me and hold me strong, and thanks to my accountability partner for everything!
Thank you for sharing that! Kol hakavod for pulling through on the nissoyon! We really can't take any breaks and let the guard down.
Can I ask, if it c"v ever comes to it, that you give me the money to rip up? ![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/wink.png)
I don't fully get the inyan of shredding good cash. I understand that there's a psychological effect of some sort and it's a lot more painful than just donating to tzedoko, but is that extra pain necessary to achieve the desired effect. Have there been reported cases of the YH convincing guys that it's actually a mitzvah to go on that site because you'll get the zechus of giving tzedoko as well? It's not that it bothers me what someone else does with his money, it doesn't. It's only that it was nogaya for me today. I also found myself with an unfiltered device and I hadn't made a plan for the scenario. So the YH used the age old tactic of putting me onto the slippery slope by getting me to search for something as ridiculous as 'kosher pics of women' (badatz porn or something?). Bh I didn't slip further (maybe the pictures that came up were a damper) but I decided to make myself a kenas to donate to GYE if I do that again. Should I change it to ripping up the money instead? I'm not sure that it sits well with me to waste the money like that. (Like we shouldn't waste seed. K, we'll leave that out).
Hey. I'm not sure why I'm getting so into something that's never gonna actually happen. Hopefully.
OK. So GYE just got a nice donation. (Not for porn, just for following my tayvas for a minute)
Would having to shred it have made it harder to fall? Not so sure.
Mabe I needed a larger knas. Not so sure either. I think I just needed to feel the pinch once for it to have an effect.
But more than knosos, what I need is a change of mindset. Even though I've stopped acting out with P&M, I haven't really shifted my focus to other things. Shmiras enayim on the street has now become a much bigger issue and fantasizing about random girls passing by has never really been my nissoyon. (This ogling actually feels really petty and small minded every time. But I still do it for some reason. Suppose cuz I like it). Previously after getting rid of access to porn I would have made the conscious decision to get back to what's important and leave all the garbage behind me. For some reason that didn't happen this time. It could be partly because now that for the first time I've made some solid moves to breaking free (spoken to people, accountability) I'm hesitant of making such conscious decisions which I've made so many times before as they may just be covering up where I'm really holding, and sooner or later the lust will pop again. This time I want to really be rid of it. But maybe I should be harder on myself and more demanding, otherwise nothing's going to move. I don't know.
(It could also simply be that I've fallen lower over time, which is probably true.)