Besides for the force of lust that drives me to places I have no business being, I believe there's also another, subtler one that has an influence over me. It's the pull and lure of the culture and lifestyle that lies beyond the walls of our society. Don't get me wrong; I know fully well that I'm on the side of the fence where the grass is lusher, richer, way more satisfying and fulfilling. But I still keep peering over the fence to peek at what's on the other side, where the grass seems to be a more glittery glossier green. This attraction doesn't necessarily lead all the way to porn, it has taken me to concerts, nightlife, shows, films and all the rest that’s to be found on YouTube. But it's interesting that before I joined GYE I perceived my struggle with porn and obsession with pritzus as an extension of this interest, and was surprised that it wasn't discussed more. I now realize that the main player is lust and that has nothing to do with this, but I still think that this element of my struggle needs to be addressed. The truth is that it may be that initially lust was the only player and the sense of fun and illusion of freedom of their culture rubbed off on me as a poisonous by-product.

The answer isn't just to make the fences higher. It'll end up with holes all over the place. What I have to do is bend down and dig in to the delicious grass by my feet and live the pleasure and enjoyment of a truly meaningful fulfilling way of life with every fibre of my being. Especially now as we come out of the days celebrating the true freedom of asher bochar bonu and count towards matan torah, it's a time to appreciate that I'm not missing out on anything with the all-encompassing torah and find total contentment and serenity in its way of life.        

Thank you for sharing that! Kol hakavod for pulling through on the nissoyon! We really can't take any breaks and let the guard down.

Can I ask, if it c"v ever comes to it, that you give me the money to rip up? 

I don't fully get the inyan of shredding good cash. I understand that there's a psychological effect of some sort and it's a lot more painful than just donating to tzedoko, but is that extra pain necessary to achieve the desired effect. Have there been reported cases of the YH convincing guys that it's actually a mitzvah to go on that site because you'll get the zechus of giving tzedoko as well? It's not that it bothers me what someone else does with his money, it doesn't. It's only that it was nogaya for me today. I also found myself with an unfiltered device and I hadn't made a plan for the scenario. So the YH used the age old tactic of putting me onto the slippery slope by getting me to search for something as ridiculous as 'kosher pics of women' (badatz porn or something?). Bh I didn't slip further (maybe the pictures that came up were a damper) but I decided to make myself a kenas to donate to GYE if I do that again. Should I change it to ripping up the money instead? I'm not sure that it sits well with me to waste the money like that. (Like we shouldn't waste seed. K, we'll leave that out).   

Hey. I'm not sure why I'm getting so into something that's never gonna actually happen. Hopefully.

 It seems that opening up to someone on the phone and being answerable and accountable to him was all I needed to keep myself on the track I want to be. As long as I was in it on my own, however much I wanted to, I couldn't find the self – control I needed to hold myself back. The power of connection here is huge.

100 days clean!

Nice round number, a time to reflect a bit. Bh the journey so far has been pretty smooth – I haven't been on the verge of falling or faced crazy urges that I couldn't control. It seems that opening up to someone on the phone and being answerable and accountable to him was all I needed to keep myself on the track I want to be. As long as I was in it on my own, however much I wanted to, I couldn't find the self – control I needed to hold myself back. The power of connection here is huge. (Opening up used to seem to me like a big monster. What a mistake! There was nothing to lose and everything to gain.)

At the same time, the journey hasn't always been easy, more in the emotional way. Especially at the beginning but still a bit now, the prospect of once and for all ‘signing out’ and saying goodbye forever to something that has been part of me for so long, given me so much enjoyment and been some support in difficult times has been difficult. But who says it has to be easy, (it can hurt like hell, but that's ok – Grant). It's a small price to pay for being able to live life the way I truly want.

It also came as a surprise the extent to which I'm dependent on masturbation to regulate my feelings. I always thought my main issue was porn, and masturbating just tagged along. But while I have hardly had urges for porn (probably because access is hard), hardly a day has gone by without some degree of urges to masturbate. But now, instead of covering the issue with the feeling of release, I can get to sort out the core of the problem. (Just one example, a chavrusa who was a major trigger – great guy but terrible match, way way quicker and smarter – has finally been changed. It's made a massive difference to my whole day. There’ve been more such ‘perks’.)

So the journey's begun but not yet over. Supressing the lust in one place will make it pop up somewhere else. I've noticed that on the street and the bedroom. But we'll take it as it comes, one step at a time.

Finally, thank you to Hashem Help Me for the continuous care love and support to someone you don't know and have never met, what you're doing is mind-bogglingly amazing. I wouldn't have managed without you. And thank you to all my great friends here for all your support throughout.

IWM

Hey Grant! I appreciate that so much! Yesterday was a difficult day for me, you might call it 'brutal'. I was feeling very down and dispirited. The fact that what I thought was a big achievement seemed to be being ignored by others didn't help to say the least. So your warm words of appreciation mean a lot more then you (or I) might have thought. Thank you!