You got this! 
of course it’s hard. Some days are hard for me and and some days are very hard.
It took me a very long time to get to a point where I can just move On and not make the day even harder then it is by actively fantasizing. That’s the key, remembering that the initial thought will flee in a second u less you keep it actively alive and there lies your choice. 
do you give in for a moment or an hour of fantasy that will either end up with you giving in c”v and feeling much worse then you did, or stopping to fantasize after an hour which is murdurously hard to do! So the only good choice to to acknowledge it and say I understand but it’s just not worth it.
for me it works when I think of ice cream, I love a good ice cream! Especially vanilla, it gives me great pleasure, however, I’m lactose intolerant and I never eat dairy! I can take a tiny lick but that’s it, so I learned that you can crave something and want the pleasure but also to know that it’s just not worth it.
of course I’m not comparing, It’s  it in the same level, but the idea is the same. The more you practice the easier it will become.

keep on growing!

Thank you everyone for your support.
I'm doin my best to move on from my fall, but the truth is, I feel like I lost a lot of my stamina to keep fighting when I fell. I don't know why, but I'm guessing that the reason probably is that I kept my thoughts clean for weeks, and I was carful where I looked, and I tried to diffuse the urges when they came, but that wasn't enough to stop me from falling in the end.

I know better than this. I know that the fall was just a bump along the road, and it wasn't a failure. I know that I shouldn't expect perfection; It's gonna take a lot of battles before I work up those fighting muscles to be completely free of giving in. I guess this is just where my perfectionist tendencies are flaring up.

This is why I'm not at all giving up, and I'm not getting down about falling. Instead I'm going through the motions of trying to keep my thoughts clean even though I don't feel like it, because I know that this is what I have to do, and this is what I want and it'll make me happier in the long run. It's just that I feel like I'm missing the enthusiasm where I feel like it'll actually help me stay clean to keep trying, and it's making the fight a bit harder.
Just my thoughts.......

Also about shabbosim, I think y'all are right that I need to have some sorta plan, ideally someone to talk to when I have a big urge. I don't know of anyone around me that I can talk to, and I don't know if I actually would get up and talk to someone when, in the heat of the moment, I'm busy taking my shabbos nap and suddenly I get a huge urge. So idk what to do about shabbosim, but I'm gonna keep doin my best, and try to be more on my guard on shabbosim.

That sounds really hard. Good for you for keeping committed even though you're not feeling it. It's only been a couple of days since the fall, so your yetzer is still being matzliach in telling you that the real you is a baal aveira. Iy'h once you've stayed clean for a few more days your yetzer will back down and let you feel good about what an amazing person you are.

Today (or tomorrow for you probably) is Purim. On Purim we have an incredible opportunity to connect to our inner most selves. Your inner most self does not want this stuff, and is so happy that you're fighting the fight. Be'h this Purim you'll tune in to that voice and come out of Purim invigorated and ready to keep fighting b'simcha

Thanks for the update.

Be smart. For Shabbos afternoon, maybe take a nap on the couch instead of in bed?

frank.lee wrote on 08 Mar 2023 07:52:

I think that the main reason that I have a harder time on shabbos is because I don't have the regular structure of during the week. I have more down time, and less distractions, which gets my mind to start roaming... So I think that keepin myself busy might help, but napping on the couch won't make much of a difference. Thanx for the suggestion though.

I had a fall over shabbos. I got tons of huge urges which I ignored and let pass, until I couldn't ignore them anymore, and I gave in.

I'm not sure what to do about shabbosim. I haven't looked at a women for pleasure or purposely fantasized in about a month and a half, and it seems to bh helping me a lot and I'm bli ayin hara not really getting urges during the week, but for some reason, I can't keep clean on shabbos no matter how hard I try.

After I fell, I obviously felt like doing it again, but I didn't give up, and I bh ignored the urges for the rest of shabbos to the best of my ability. But even still, it seems like that wasn't enough to stop me from having a wet dream on shabbos afternoon (actually the second one in the past 3 days). Normally, I try to take it as a sign that my brain is catching up with my decision to stop masturbating (like y'all always say), but when a wet dream happens less than a day after I masturbated, I find that hard to believe.

I really think that I'm BH growing very much, and I can't think of anything more that I can do to work on this. This is why I'm feeling very fustrated that I can't keep clean for shabbos. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong that I can hold out most days, but as soon as shabbos hits, there's a continuous flow of images that just flow through my mind nonstop until I give in. And even after I give in, they don't stop, I just have a temporary relief from the feeling of needing to masturbate until I do it again, or it just comes out while I'm sleeping if I control myself. I feel like I'm just wasting my time constantly being on my guard making sure not to look or fantasize. It's clearly not stopping me from falling as often as I used to, so what's the point. Why am I wasting my energy to try and keep my eyes and brain clean if it doesn't help me at all???

I know that how often I fall is not the point. I'm keeping my eyes and head clean which is a huge accomplishment in itself. And if I keep at it, chances are I'll be able to start masturbating much less often very soon. I'm already seeing improvement in the fact that I have much less urges in general. Also, I only did it once this shabbos instead of twice like the last times, which is an improvement. I guess I just gotta keep trying, and if I don't give up, I'll eventually find myself in control. It's just that it's very fustrating to be putting in a strong fight doing all I can, and still not be in control. I don't think I can hold out doing this much longer if I keep falling. It's just too much work to not be able to see any real improvement. I'm hoping that I can figure something out soon that will help me, because if not, I really don't think I will be able to keep fighting to stay clean anymore.
Either way I'm not giving up, these are just my feelings, but for now I'm still in the game.

Sorry to hear about that! Don't get down, you're doing amazing and your honesty is very moving! The fact that you didn't fall again is an improvement from last shabbos, so even your shabbasos are improving in truth.

Can you arrange a full-ish schedule of learning s'darim with chavrusos on shabbos? I don't know if this next point applies to you, but i know for myself that the hardest thing about learning the whole day on shabbos (besides for having a family ) is the overeating and drinking at meals. But if I make sure to eat small portions and not drink too much alchohol, there's no real need for a shabbos nap.

yosef, stop getting down about the wet dreams, there is no issur unless you had bad thoughts, so if you know your mind was clean you can cross that off the list (just make sure to go to the mikvah).
Hatzlacha gedolah in this battle of masturbating, i also used to have big problems shabbos afternoon.

Yosef Hamevakesh wrote on 11 Mar 2023 18:41:

I understand your feelings of frustration. Sometimes it feels like it's all too much! And then when we fall we just feel so discouraged and upset, we can't appreciate just how far we've actually come.

Let's break it down.

During the week you are watching your eyes and not fantasizing. This in turn is causing less urges. You are not masturbating. That's amazing.

So now you have shabbos. Shabbos is always a brutal day for me too. Too much time alone with my thoughts - so it's a more difficult challenge. You will get there, but please don't let it cause you to think you aren't growing or gaining from you battles.

The more you prevent yourself from urges through guarding your eyes, and learn how to let you thoughts just be without frantically shoving them out of your head, the more you will start to rewire your brain. It's a process. Nothing good comes overnight.

I would suggest to keep track in your posts how many days you have been clean not including shabbos. Forget about shabbos in your count for now. Don't let it erase your growing count of clean days.

Keep growing!

Hey Reb Yosef Hamevakesh!

You’re so powerful and amazing! You are handling your issues with such control! Hashem sees your KOACH and effort being put in to watch yourself.
The name you have here shows it all. Yosef = shows for Yesod. Hamevakesh = shows for your will, your searching and digging to become and be good in the Kdushas hayesoid!

Now, regarding “M” on Shabbos afternoons. I used to have the same issue - not too often - but I really think it comes from overeating the heavy food we have on shabbos (challa!p, cholent..). So I made sure when taking a nap to take a sefer with easy halachos or stories about Tzadikim etc to fall asleep with something holy in my mind and sometimes not to cover my full body, only the feet. Also, I made sure to drink a cup of water before, it helped as well.

dont fall, you’re doing great and being very on-top of yourself! Stick around (like we all say….), have a wonderful week!

Trying The Best.

Thanx guys for all your support.
Unfortunately, I didn't listen to all that too well and I let myself get caught up in how I felt on motzei shabbos and I had a pretty big fall again.
My Webchaver hasn't been working for the past week and a half for some reason (I'm working on getting it fixed) and since I was feeling down, and like I have no control anyway, I might as well just give in to how I feel and try to find some porn. It took some work, but I was able to watch a few videos and I masturbated.
This is the first time in a month and a half that I watched porn, and also the first time in a long time that I decided to give in to the feelings of יאוש.

It's true that I'm BH doing much better overall than I used to, it's just that I have no more patience to fight this anymore. It's simply taking too much out of me and it's taking too long to for me to really feel a serious difference in  how far I've come. I feel like I can't do it anymore. I made my brain used to thinking and fantasizing about women so much over the years that that is what it naturally starts thinking about if it's not busy with anything else. When I walk in the streets, I can't see a women without my brain throwing fantasies at me. I worked very hard over this past month and a half to count bricks every time that I see a women in the streets, and to not keep thinking about the images that constantly pop into my head, and I barely see any real difference. I still get bombarded by thoughts every time I see a women in the streets and every time that my mind wanders off. It's true that I got a little bit better at dealing with these thoughts which is why I haven't been getting as much urges during the week, but  for some reason when shabbos comes along, the images get ten times richer and a hundred times harder to send away. I don't know why. I don't think it has to do with how busy I am, because even when I'm busy like I was this past shabbos, they still come. I think it's because I don't have a way to distract myself like during the week.
And even without the shabbos problems, I can't still fight it during the week anymore. I don't have the strength to keep staying on my guard all day every day. It's too much work, with too little reward. It seems like an endless battle. I'm expecting that after a month and a half of no fantasies or looking, I should be able to walk in the streets without it being such a chaotic battlefield. It's not that much easier than it was when all I thought about are naked women. It seems like it's gonna take many many years of torturing myself to look away and not keep thinking about these rich fantasies in my brain before I will feel any semblance of control. I don't have time for that. It's too much work, and I don't have the will to keep fighting an almost hopeless battle for the next bunch of years.

This is how I feel. I'm not giving up, it's just that I'm feeling down right now and I don't have the will to fight this anymore. I'm gonna keep trying, but I have no more fight left in me, so I don't know how much I'll actually be able to stay clean.

These are just my feelings boys, so I guess this is the cue for y'all to tell me how far I've come (again) and how valuable the fight is, and that this is just the YH trying to get me down because he sees me doing so well and he can't take it....... I know that already and it's not helping, but maybe someone has an insight that'll be helpful. I don't know what I need to hear now.

Hey friend, I'm sorry for the falls. And for your feeling frustrated and spent. And for your feeling that your struggling without gaining ground. That is so hard. It's so hard to keep fighting when you feel you have not accomplished or conquered anything. Oy. I wish I had what to say to make you feel better or to give you chizuk. Personally, I think you are a tzaddik who has come such a long way. And I feel your pain. And Hashem does too. And I send you my hugs. Please let us know how you are doing

yosef,
i am so sorry for your pain and disappointment. please reach out via email so that i can be more helpful in a direct way. Playing active defense for a long time against the yetzer hara can definitely wear you down. Move the battle to you area of strength and fight on your own terms. don't be reactive to situations, go on the offensive and plan your victories.

best wishes and looking forward to hearing from you
vehkam

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. It's definitely hard and feels hopeless at times. BE"H this will pass. Feel free to reach out if you feel like doing so. Hugs and Hatzlacha!

Yosef Hamevakesh wrote on 12 Mar 2023 13:08:

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