Hello Everyone!!!!! I'm in my early 20s and single. My life has been an interesting journey of growth and dreams, anxiety and bitachon, and finally, sadness and hope.

My father is emotionally weak and socially awkward. He was never and is still not someone in my life I can turn to or connect to in any meaningful way. On the contrary, I feel extremely uncomfortable sharing my emotions around him, because he feels so uncomfortable himself with emotions and reacts in such anti social ways to emotional expression that it makes me feel really really dumb expressing emotions around him. 

My mother was not someone I could turn to when I was younger either. She was an angry, verbally abusive, and a scary enemy. Every morning I walked on ice waiting to be berated and screamed at for doing nothing. For simply being me, because my mother was angry and needed someone to blame. She would scream at me for anything as long as she was in a bad mood. I never knew what her mood would be. She sent me to school in sloppy and nerdy clothing. And because I showered once a week, I came to school smelly at times.

I grew up with such guilt. That I'm the reason my mother is so sad and angry and I'm the reason my father is so depressed. I'm a nerd and an inherent awkward weirdo.

Because of this, I was a prime target for bullying, because I was a depressed, down and sloppy kid. I felt like the worlds biggest failure.
I was bullied for 6 years in elementary school from primary to 6th getting tackled, beaten up and verbally abused every day. 

The fun didn't end there. My rebbi in primary physically abused me as well, giving my cheek a hard twist and then lifting me up from my twisted cheek because I did the grave sin....... of not lending someone my marker, from my new package of markers that my mother got me.

I became an anxious wreck. I sat in my primary desk biting my nails out of anxious desperation until they bled.  I didn't have anyone to turn to because I couldn't rely on my mother who was a dangerous figure in her own right. I couldn't rely on my father either because I knew he didn't know what in the world to do with himself to be a father. He is insecure, unsure, and so feeble. Nothing to lean on in times of stress. 1+1 (insecure, unsure, not confident and feeble + extremely uncomfortable/weird with emotional expression) = I didn't have a father.  I had one physically, but that did nothing for me emotionally. On the contrary, not having had a father at all, would have at least took away my self blame and garnered sympathy.

Then came puberty.
ouch!
I wasn't given a "bar mitva shmuezz" (IE sexual education.) Instead, my father hired a rebbi to tell me "If you fall down then get back up again"
( A 45 minute car ride that gave me no information about what I was supposed to feel bad about and get back up from). The first time I had a wet dream I thought I was dying. It was really traumatic. I thought something was seriously wrong with me. I started doing my "research" to figure what was going on and began realizing that theirs "this thing" that married people do and the stuff coming out of me probably has something to to with "that". I then started feeling a lot of sexual curiosity and began exploring with my younger siblings. I had a lot ( like ALOT) of sexual experiences when I was 11 and 12 with my younger sister. I sexually abused another sister [and brother] although at that time I had no clue what that even was.

All I knew, was that I was bad. Like really really bad. Like bad enough that I thought if my father would find out he would throw me on the street. Or my mother would beat the hell out of me.
I thought a gruesome death was coming to me from shamayim because I was such a vile human being.  As I got older and I started to come to a realization of what I had done to/with my sisters and brother I began to feel worse and worse and worse. I thought. never mind, I knew, I was the worst person in the world.

I distanced myself from yishivishness in order to mentally distant (disassociate) myself from my past.   Although I was still shark and very Frum. I started learning missilas yesharim every day, whom I used as an imaginary father figure for the next few years.

Then started my next challenge. My father was now lost. He had a son that was no longer yishivish and he didn't have any clue how to be a father to this new kid. The new identity I had created had caused me to practically lose my father, even physically. (he would never touch me, hug me, kiss me, pat my back. nothing. For the next 6 years (all my teenage years) the relationship with my father consisted of 1 phone call a week if he was lucky with a quick "how's everything" "fine" "good Shabbos"

I didn't have a father or mother to turn to at all. This continued through my teenage years. I had packages of guilt and shame sitting in me with no one to tell me I'm a good person. I continued hiding my terrible secret that I'm really the worst human around) 

I remember the first time I masturbated. I knew I had now done the worst thing known to mankind. I was over. I didn't have Hashem to turn to either now.   Slowly this turned to porn and it metamorphized into my way of finding safety and comfort from my anxiety.  

​In summary, I had 0 secure attachments to turn to for safety and emotional regulation. I was just abandoned. I lived in a house with a bunch of people whom others called my parents and siblings, but to me they were strangers invading my space. 


Fast forward to today. Baruch Hashem I've found a rebbi that finds me valuable enough to sit with me in my pain and be the first person i can come to for safety.. (My rebbi has stood by myside throughout although I'm always scared I'm going to lose him when he finds out all i has inside)TYH!
My mother Bh has improved tremendously and is someone who i can get some (albeit very limited) safety. Bh she is no longer scary. TYH!
​I have been in therapy and regained control of my life and I've taken many steps towards moving on. TYH!!

​The challenges are still so real and painful. I've developed a disassociated mind that has 2 states. 1) When i over-feel. I feel like a scared bullied traumatized little 5 yr old and I'm so terrified of being alive because i have no attachments (older protective people) to turn too. 2)when i under-feel. When ever I'm not committed to people, my brain takes the easier route to avoid the fear and terror of living without attachment. It sends my 5 yr old away to the recesses of my mind, where I no longer perceive it as "me" anymore. It makes life confusing and disorienting. It makes me feel so much shame because I have a really hard time explaining to people what is going on with me. Both my underfeeling state and my overfeeling state appreciate different friends. Different activities. Many friends wonder why I haven't called them in so long and then all the sudden want to chill with them every day. I feel like I cant get married because one part of me wants to be less Frum, is outgoing and confident while another one is more yishivish, quiet and a scared little boy. (I DO NOT HAVE DID!! [dissociative identity disorder] my parts know each other and I don't get amnesia)

I suffer emotional flashbacks and sometimes randomly want to cry and be my chavrusas little baby. I want my physiatrist to be my mother and a youtuber to be my older sister.

Porn was a huge safety for me. My younger parts crave emotional intimacy from a mother figure. One can imagine how to a broken brain, porn is the safest thing around. People being intimate and open in a non judgy way. For the younger parts of me porn = safety. For my older parts who are less yishivish and don't have parents, porn is the same thing. a safe place to get away from the scary concept of being totally disconnected.


My father still gives me no affection, attention, or time. He simply doesn't know how to. To give you an example of what it means to have a father with no social skills, I'm going to give you one example. He one time told me "I never believed you would become anything". He didn't even do it out of anger or hate. He simply didn't 'chop'  how hurtful that is for a son to hear that from his own father. Its not even his fault. He simply doesn't know better. He himself wishes he knew better.

​There's a part of me (more yishivish younger part) that hates hates hates HATES anything yishivish because it triggers me to back when I was a yishivish and frightened little boy, biting my nails off with anxiety. in my 'Inner Childs' mind              Yishivish=petrified, and in extreme danger with no one to turn to.

This part of me is literally allergic to learning , davening, yishivish singing, Shabbos, yom tov, many mitzvos etc. etc. etc.

In addition to the part above that is allergic to anything yishivish, there's another part of me (less yishivish older part) that really dislikes everything my father enjoys. This part feels that the things my father spends time with and enjoys are the things that stole his love for me. He loves his things instead of loving me. This makes me hate hate hate anything yishivish as it It reminds me "I'm not worthy of a fathers love" "I'm worthless". "I'm useless".
. 

Baruch Hashem I've never turned to any illegal substances and I don't even have a smartphone. But I'm living in a weird world. One part of me is a "shtark" guy In a shtark Yeshiva that lives by the missilas yesharim and wears a hat and jacket. That keeps and is happy keeping all the mitzvos and wants to learn 3 sedorim a day. But another part of me hates all of it and it triggers me to feel useless and worthless. This trigger is really intense and triggers an extreme hatred of anything that reminds that part of my father. (IE Anything yishivish.) Shabbos is hell first seder is hell davening is hell. I do all of them but their hell for one part and regular life for another. 

I'm growing and I love Hashem and I'm slowly learning to cope. I will beezras hashem get married (my different parts are compatible). 
I will be able to understand others and hopefully heal one day. I'm already healing to a significant degree and I'm feeling more and more like a single person. Anyone who read till now is a huge tzaddik. Btw even though a lot of pain is expressed here, I'm bh happy and ready to uplift myself and others! 



I have my work cut out for me! 90 days here I come. Whether I fall or not it will always be my goal.
​Any chizuk or people that have had similar experiences that want to share is appreciated!

it can be done!
it takes time, its a process - but it can be done.
you can do it!

Welcome, you are a human being! a special wonderful human being! Hashem loves you!

you landed on the right spot. here you will found a warm family that will accept you and love you!

there is a lot of hope... just reach out when you need you feel help. nothing is funny or awkward, just ask, share, read, and count your days.

Enjoy your ride!

Yoinala

Welcome it must have been hard to come on here but it was the right decision.  The more you are connected here , the easier your journey will be. We all have our own unique situation but there is a lot of common ground

Hey! welcome aboard! stopping to masturbate can totally be done! and you came to the right place! over here never feel embarrassed or ashamed to share any feelings you might have and we will try to help, and of course we all share in this struggle so join aboard and connect to the oilam! wishing you all the best, and feel free to reach out to me!

Heyyyyyyyyyy, welcome welcome welcome! Welcome to your new family! Where you can find tons of connection!! Hang around in here and enjoy the fun! Rooting for you! I’m always available if you want!! You can do this!! 

after all, 

Yes!! welcome we are going to be your biggest fans you can do this!! 

Day 4 here we come! My first goal is seven clean days of masturbating.
thank you for your responses.

Halfway there!  You can do it.  

Loved your first post, your self-awareness is commendable.

You got this brother!

Thank you guys, well week one is now almost over! how are you guys managing in your challenges?

Just made it thru friday and motzai shabbos clean bh
those r my hardest days usually
good luck to you
keep fighting

Wow welcome!
I just want to say I can relate to you very much from the struggle to the family issues. You can sometimes feel like a monster because you think it’s not normal and even people that struggle don’t have it as bad as you. But the truth is your struggle is totally normal for guys to have as I read so many forums and stories I realized the things that I thought that made me a monster were not nearly as far as other people have taken it and if they can overcome it so therefore I can also. Keep up the hard work. Keep us posted.
ps.  Feel free to private message me if you need any tips or suggestions 

Thank you @evergreen, thats nice of you. -ive been to therapy for a while now so thats helped me get a view of whats going on inside my head Bh. What about you @evergreen? how you doing?

@613guard my hardest time is Friday/Shabbos also. I feel so alone and strange, and really craving an ascape to the distractions of the week, but since its shabbos theres no distractions.

That makes it so hard for me, facing myself, and my reality of emptyness and i just dont know what to do with myself, with all the extra time on my hands many times causing me to just not care about messing up and masturbating. -any ideas?

@medly1234 Im not sure if this is what your saying, but its more of an emotional struggle for me. Its not really that i think of myself as a monster, i think of myself as unlovable different and worthless. (also sometimes a monster)
(which doesnt help my masturbating problem!)

Thanks for the chizuk- I am growing and yes I will continue to grow emotionally and spiritually. Keep on growing and connecting! the more we connect the more we grow! You guys are amazing. Tzaddikim!

Welcome. Very courageous first post. There is absolutely no physical need to masturbate. We trained ourselves to do it often so it became a bad habit. However Bh many guys have stopped completely. Once you really believe that it is not necessary, it will be that much easier to stop. Maybe let's put you in touch with other bochurim that are clean for very extended amounts of time, so you will really see that it is true.