I usually don't feel comfortable using people's personal experiences for stimulation. Its only if I am in a bad mood and if so i don't need to go on this website for stimulation. I can squeeze bad thoughts out of anything if i feel bad enough. The real triggers of this site are on the balei batim forum which I haven't got access to.

Boruch Hashem, things are doing well at the moment. I need to take things one minute at a time. I cant change the past nor can i predict the future. All I can do is try control myself for the moment when i get the urges. 2 days ago I davened really hard from a very broken heart after looking at some terrible things for a long time. I asked Hashem to help and He has. I'm not perfect nor will I ever be but I have found it generally easier since then. I don't know what will happen but I trust Hashem will continue to be with me and will always hold my hand. Have a good shabbos, infused with real kedusha.

Not coping on any front. I have not been getting up in time to daven much and instead masturbating and lusting when not really even in such an aroused mood. Compulsively almost. Eating despite gaining weight. Not learning enough because I cant be bothered which just puts me in a worse mood. I can't/don't connect properly to my thoughts and emotions so I just feel like I'm floating around in a sea of nothingness. How's that for depressing? (I don't want to sound only negative but when I start mentioning Hashem helping, it just sounds insincere.)

Goldfish wrote on 19 Jul 2022 16:13:

so sorry for your pain.  can you grab five minutes for yourself every day? if you can pick something positive to do for those five minutes every day.  focus on that and build off of it.  If you are able to to this, It should help you get out of the rut you are in....

I can totally relate...Been there done that more than once. This is extremely tough and I really feel for you.

What Vehkam wrote above can definitely help. Even if you can't do 5 minutes, try a positive action or actions throughout the day  that you will do. For example, I may not be in the mood to do X but I will do it anyways or I will push off masturbating even if I know I will fall in the end. There's a great book called the Motivation Myth by Jeff Haden which talks about how if we do something not because were motivated to do it but because intellectually we know we should do it, then that itself will turn into motivation.

I also find that verbalizing what your going through to Hashem helps as well. I know you said that mentioning Hashem helping sounds insincere but tell him  that your not coping, that you feel depressed. Verbalize the struggle that your going through the way you'd tell a friend or therapist about your frustrations
.
And one more thing, try to tell yourself that although your in a funk right now and you can't see the end, this is a temporary state. Even if right now you don't believe it, tell yourself that this is temporary. Try to sit down with a piece of paper and write down why you want to work on masturbation, why you want to lose weight. try to find your why again... Try to realize that when we try to numb the pain externally, the pain doesn't go away and often, we contribute more to that pain.

We're all rooting for you! Your going to get through this. Don't let what you do when you are down, bring you down.

Hi Goldfish,

Just wanted to check in. How are you doing today? 

Not doing any better. Thanks for the encouragement though. I promised myself a few months ago not to use my  laptop every day until I've done my basic learning chovos. I didn't do any of them today but I gave in and went on my laptop. I decided to do something hard though, so I just did shnayim mikra (one of my chovos) even though I couldn't be bothered. Earlier, I went to an internet cafe with a supposedly good filter. My laptop has netfree plus extra blocks so I go to the kosher free internet for my pleasure seeking. I have long realised that most filters are useless unless you want them to be good. With this filter I am able to access plenty of pictures of naked women although admittedly it takes quite intensive research to find ones I haven't looked at before. The searching, however, is the addictive thing, often I'm just looking for triggering words or anything not appropiate. I need to learn not to go there but at least I'm not going regularly to the library which also has free internet but which has access to porn etc.
When I mentioned sounding insincere, I think it wasn't clear enough. what I meant was that people start getting defensive when I say Hashem will help because they think its defeatis and denialist....

Hey, I hope today is a better day...

I don't know how you pushed yourself to do shnayim mikra in the matziv you're in, it's unbelievable, 

I think I should rename my thread "Given up already." I don't really know how to describe my feeling of disconnect (or more accurately lack of feeling) but it makes it really hard to even try working on something. I have very low self awareness and don't really know my thoughts, emotions and motivations. Its quite possible that I am an addict (though I'm more inclined to believe I'm just obssesive) but I don't really think any system that requires self-introspection can ever truly work for me. I am also exceptionally lazy and am not trained in hard work. I've been reading a holocaust book and she writes there about how she felt that she had no hope yet Hashem still helped her survive. I may spend the rest of my life struggling when I have the capacity to and falling when I don't but there is always the hope that Hashem will help. Boruch Hashem, He has given me a tendency to remove my access to porn within hours of getting it. Its been like that for years. I am in a bsically good mood today (I think) with quite a bit of mental capacity so I was able to write this. Usually I can't motivate myself to do it. Just updating. You don't really need to respond as I don't need sympathy nor do I want to be told off, which leaves little else to respond, because, as noted, I don't think anyone can help me. Hatzlacha.

Goldfish wrote on 25 Aug 2022 20:10:

Great to hear from you goldfish.  I'm going to try to thread the needle and respond to your post.  Although you considered renaming your post, the body of your post indicated that you have very much not given up.  You are acknowledging that it is difficult and are not sure what will work to get you out of this.  That is perfectly ok. The fact that you are expressing yourself and your feelings will be helpful to you in the long run.  I am not sending any sympathy but i encourage you to continue posting when you have the strength to do so.  

best wishes
vehkam

Maybe I'm just imagining it, but could there be some other reason for your lack of feeling/motivation and 'laziness'? I don't know what I mean exactly, maybe ssomethign physical, or something else going on?

I'm not sure what you mean. This problem doesn't only play itself out with lust. I also am not manging to control my eating habits. The time when I was controling my food I didn't feel any different in my foggines. I just somehow managed to not want to eat. The problem with that is that I still haven't learnt to control myself and as soon as I did want to eat again I couldn't control myself. My detachment is sometimes so bad that a few months ago I managed to get fully hypnotised and I was following instructions etc, yet my mind was as usual and I was even finding myself amusing. When Shabbos comes I usually get an escape from lust but I don't get my mind back. Whenever I've tried work out what I'm thinking, I've come to the conclusion that I am just talking to myself in my head, telling myself conclusions, yet I have no idea where the thought is from. I described a few months ago that when I fantasize after an image etc, I can't imagine anything. Instead, I am busy writing long stories in my head (or sometimes I write it down physically to make it easier to keep track and then destroy it) with lots of intricate details and fueled by vague images floating in my head. I don't knoiw what I might have clarified or If I've just confused you more but this was my attempts. Gut Shabbos.

No, that's what I meant. Maybe you can find some medical or other cause for the fogginess.
As for the daydreaming, I spent most of my life that way until relatively recently, happy to sit for hours in my mind with my own stories and series and imaginings, didn't need anyone. Even outside entertainment was just to get more material to fuel another story or plan. Shmutz included.. I heard the term Maladaptive daydreaming but im not sure it's what it is for me.
Maybe there is some one you can speak to or some avenue you can take. If not to clear the fog, to give you some element of control or advice to push through.
It sounds like something you can get help with. Probably you've already tried. But these addicitions have taught me, sometimes you have to move past those doctors or whatever else and try from a different angle.
So, what have you tried? Any potential causes or alleviators you've looked into?

By the way, just looked at your first post, 21-ish? You're way to young to say you've given up. I'd barely tried to fight at your age. You've got plenty of time to try new tactics, your lif eis gonna keep changing regardless of your efforts.

dont give up your on the right place!