Hi. I've been meaning to write for some time but I didn't have the courage. I'm 20 years old and essentially yeshivish. I am a lust addict. not neccessarily porn, which I haven't seen for a few weeks already, but i masturbate and fantasise regularly. I've been involved since i was about 12. At first it was due to my mother leaving her unfiltered computer on, progressing to the library and internet cafes and onto owning a smartphone with a filter i learnt to get around and finally this laptop i have now. It now has netfree, which is genuinely kosher, but i've gone through many fazes. Throughout the period when i had a smartphone, any time i found a loophole i'd first use it for a few hours before getting sick enough to get the problem fixed. throughout the many years of the problem being my mother's computers she never picked up on the problem and i even remember her calling the acountabilty company for reporting things she'd never done, apparently not dreaming that anyone else would use her computer. Eventually, once i'd grown up enough to admit to other people, someone else told her to make sure never to leave devices unlocked. Although there has been a few slipups in the few months since i came home, it generally hasn't been a problem. this means i'm only left to deal with on a regular basis masturbation and fantasies. I hope to get a therapist at some point, which may help. I'm also losing weight and doing exercise a lot, which often puts me in a good mood. when i'm happy and my day is full i dont have much problems, but when one of my chavrusas cancel or i get bored for some other reason, i inevitably start fantasing. As I have become very disconnected from my thoughts and emotions and have trouble living or reliving most events, my fantasies usually revolve around making strories in my head. I sometimes even write them down and immediately delete them, because the point of them is to actualize my lust, not for the contents of the story. I signed up many years ago to gye, but mostly used it in the wrong way, allowing myelf to be triggered by almost anything. A few weeks ago I realised how amazing this beautiful website is and I've restarted the 90 day program and am getting a lot of chizzuk from the forum and all the holy people on it. I've written enough for now and would really appreciate any comments or chizzuk and can respond if you have question. thank you.

Welcome! 
​You're definitely on the right track by coming out of the shadows and starting to connect to others which is one of the most important steps for true recovery. 

It's a good idea to start by focusing on one area of your battle against desire. You should firmly commit yourself to keep a certain halacha or aspect of self-control. Choose something easy so you will feel that are on
the road to success and you'll  feel energized and capable. 

Effort is all that matters, and every instant of effort is priceless. The battle against desire is a challenging, lifelong battle, and it was not created to be easy. It is supposed to be a struggle, and the odds are strong that some battles will be lost. But by keeping your determination to fight despite the difficulty, you can achieve the ultimate success: emerging victorious from the most intense battle ever. You should feel proud and encouraged about every ounce of effort you have exerted. As a result, you will emerge stronger from your errors rather than losing your will to fight.

Relate very strongly to the fantasizing part, do you tend to daydream otherwise as well? If you do, you may find certain daydreams your mind will accept as a replacement for these other fantasies (though in my case it ends up that using those daydreams when I'm not under a taiva attack becomes triggering) You can also try redirecting the fantasy to be a different story.
You say writing it alone helps, what about jsut writing the basic idea, just a few words, just get it out and forget it?

Welcome. Very courageous and well written first post. Iyh if you stay connected, you will break free. You are not necessarily an addict - as you put it. You, like many, many other guys here, trained yourself to use lust as your pacifier to relieve boredom, loneliness, uncomfortable feelings, etc. With some retraining you can b'ezras Hashem graduate this mess.

Thank you everyone for your support. retrych - I don't daydream per se. I imagine alternative realities. they either include me being able to do anything bad in the world without accountability or guilty feelings or being a tzaddik and genius who knows the entire torah and science etc and can save the world from all evil through my intense knowledge of computer science and immense riches. Both worlds don't seem very healthy to me. I need to learn to think in real terms more often. I think it all comes down to my general problem of black & white thinking. I don't really have much of an option between being a tzaddik and a rosho. Do you get what I mean, or is it a bit too crazy?

You can do it! I believe in you!

חזק ואמץ

Goldfish wrote on 26 Dec 2021 14:13:

Just to clarify, netfree on its most open level is not actually fully kosher, though it is the best and safest attempt and is far better than any other option. Someone who can manage without it would be much better off in the long run. If it has extra levels of protection though, as do the heimish internet cafes in israel, then it is very close to genuinely kosher. Boruch Hashem i'm doing quite well now and am allowing my positive feelings to overtake. Thank You everyone who gives me chizzuk. Its such a uniqe feeling to be able to discuss sensitive topics without lapsing into boundary problems etc.

I'm falling. I can't stop myself. Its all hopeless. I want to leave the 90 day progrmam. Every 2-3 days i have a fall. I'd much rather give up and just sink into a world of not caring about what i do.....  I'm too disconnected to my thoughts and emotions to work on anything. Almost everything feels like I'm doing it by rote, whether good or bad and I can't discern at which point I make the choice to do anything. I still don't know what my nekudas habechira is because I'm not concious of ever using it. Any ideas?

guardyoureyes.com/forum/60-F2F---General-Discussion/375338-Re-Values

Hi Goldfish,

I'm sorry to hear about your struggle, it can feel frustrating and even impossible at times. 

Do you mind sharing what you've tried in the past? The 90 day challenge is mainly a tool to track progress, but it is not usually the solution to keeping clean. 

look around there are many great ideas here on the forums from people that got here in similar situations as yourself, and are bh clean today. You can iyh do the same. 

Maybe having a plan in place for when you are hit with an urge, reaching out to a partner, setting smaller goals, celebrating milestones to name a few. 

it's a process of getting to know yourself, and figuring out what works for you. It might take some time, but you will iyh succeed.

Dont get down on yourself for falling, rather try to make it a learning experience, what caused you to fall, and what would've prevented it. 

keep strong, and dont give up. It's a fight worth fighting, especially before marriage. 

Wishing you a smooth ride! 

P.s. did you consider the Flight to Freedom program? 

I haven't really tried anything, other than being happy. Flight2 Freedom is af of yet unacessable to me on netfree. I couldn't do it on a computer without netfree as i might suddenly find i have much more "interesting" things to do once i'm on the computer already. GYE said they will try to arrange a system for F2F to work on netfree, just  as they did with the main website abd I am looking forward. Thank you for the chizzuk though.

I think I'm digging my own grave here. The more I try to convince myself that I know everything and that I know I'll never make it, the less likely it will be to ever happen. I know I need to be moser nefesh sometime, but every time I am moser nefesh and I do something or avoid something hard, I just tell myself that it doesn't mean anything and I'm still useless and when I think "maybe I should overcome this" I convince myself that its impossible and I'll never manage anyway. Its all a subconcious escape from ever having to work hard and leave my comfort zone.

Perseverance Pays
by Goldfish

Once upon a time there was a man,

Who lived near the bottom of a hill in Japan.

Every morning he would put on his boots and his coat

And head out to the hill to climb its slippery slope.

He’d take one step or two before the inevitable would happen,

He would slip on the ice and down he would topple.

“I’m unable to climb it,” he’d tell himself, and go home,

Because he was unwilling to leave his comfort zone.

One day he decided, “today is the day,

I’m gonna climb that mountain, whatever you say.”

He took one step then another and what would you guess?

He slipped and he fell, it was a very big mess.

For a moment, he thought, “this is not for me,”

But then he remembered that up he must be.

So despite the pain he still felt from the fall,

He decided to try and give it his all.

Well, he tried harder this time and would you believe it,

He got up to six steps before beginning to doubt it.

“I’ll never get to the top, I’m as useless as can be,

This mountain is so hard and so slippery.”

Well he fought and he tried and pushed some more

Sometimes slipping sometimes gaining, till he was aching and sore.

Finally, after a few days and nights,

He got to the top, to the source of all the lights.

All the good and the bliss were there for him,

Because he’d been willing to persevere.

Goldfish wrote on 29 Dec 2021 17:24:

Master piece!!
this guy has some talent!!