Hi

I fell after 292 days, I masturbated.

what happened, I  saw a video that wasn't even so bad, but one second of it i felt like i wish that would be would be with me, and i touched my self and it happened. B''H so far i didn't take it any further, treating it as a lapse not a relapse.

In one way I'm very broken, i put in my information in the 90 day chart after the fall for the first time, and I saw 292 days, and pressings the reset Butten was painful.
(why didn't I put in my information until now, maybe that's the yetezer horah that wants to brake me, see what you did yourself I don't know, and maybe it's even a good thing I don't know).

But in the other hand, i feel that what happened is not really what counts, and i feel like a fell a few weeks ago when the lust reactivated, and when i was in the grocery and was looking at the women there, that's down hill, trying to search online nothing direct, but things that interests lust. of course if i could have gotten back on track that would be better but the fall is always the thing that has redirect me, and that's really earlier in the game. And i feel I didn't do enough to redirect, so there is a little something in me saying it was a good thing, I told you before.....

still i have to say I'm by far not the same person i was 292 days ago. i just need to reboot, redirect, and going back on my path of my post earlier. but I definitely do need to get back my strength and  enthusiasm. with Hashems help I will succeed.

I also made a mistake, i didn't have a filter for most of the time. and really if I would have hade a filter this would not have happened.

But the reason I didn't have one, in the past  without a filter i could not managed even for a day, and when i started with tools i felt i need to be mindful relaxed, and not to put gates that you can't go there, just be on top of yourself, and that's was what  I needed don't run away just don't go there. so I didn't put a filter (I need to explain it better, but I'm sure someone relates).

But the problem is, if you have one weak moment, it could set you back a lot.

so I was hesitated if I should put on one now, because the way to deal with this (for me) is not with gates, I need to redirect.... but i decided I had to start this way to really be mindful and relaxed, but a filter is needed not for working on not looking bad stuff, just for the weak moment, and I think I'm ready for it.

Why don't we have in our homes a pantry with milchigs, fleishigs, pareve, and treife? Shouldn't we be strong and not need gates? Why don't we carry hammers on Shabbos and simply not use them for melacha? Why do we tell a nazir not to enter a vineyard? Why does he need a gate?

All that being said, there are some individuals that find that filters pique their curiosity, and actually entice them to try and break through. But for most of us, filters are our way of avoiding unnecessary nisyonos.

P.S. Make sure to celebrate those 292 days as you continue breaking free b'ezras Hashem.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 11 Mar 2022 18:29:

You're hundred percent right. and thanks for your encouragement. 
But my point was you don't become a nazir from putting up fences, a nazir puts up fences.
every garden needs fences, but a garden is not fences, nothing grows from fences. you have to plant and put up fences.
so when you want to start to grow and all I'm focused is fences nothing is growing, I can't put a fence on the street grocery, my eyes, so I need to focus on planting the garden, there is a garden in me, I'm not a garbage can, I'm not looking to fill it up with garbage, and then put some fences. so defiantly its not possible without a fence, but I to start of a different approach, and to see i could have it open and not go there, that was a very big thing for me.

I was one of the people that needed to start my journey without filters. It is definitely not for everyone, but it worked for me. I felt that as soon as I put a filter on, my yetzer hara would come roaring in for a fight. I wanted to push that fight off as long as possible until I was stronger. But I did take concrete steps to work on my motivation. Without those steps I would just be walking in circles.


If you are just worried about inadvertently seeing something that is a trigger then a filter as a first step is important.

If you are at the stage (like I was) that you are so accustomed to viewing everything then working on your motivation first might work better because there is always another way to get around filters.

Sorry to hear you fell after such a long time, but it's good to hear your using your fall to grow further. Check my signature for some free filters and look into them on their respective websites for further details, they all work very well. And don't just stop at the filters, take it a step further and also get WebChaver (covenanteyes) for free through the KBA program on venishmartem.com, I put in my signature how you can get it for free through venishmartem.com. 

Just as a heads up though, most of the filters (except for webchaver if you get it through the free method) require that you set someone appropriate as a "family organizer". And most of them operate as a whitelist and blacklist filter system but you can set them to block just explicit websites but I don't recommend this because from what you wrote in your post, it seems like you were triggered by something mildly inappropriate and to look at that less explicit stuff is assur anyway. So you really should use their "allowed websites only" function to use it as a whitelist, and in order to make it so you don't feel trapped, you should monitor your history and anticipate any websites you may need in the future to add those to the "allowed websites" list and I can also send you my list of allowed websites of over 100 websites which range from secular websites like fedex to many religious websites to add to your list also. The truth is even if you have all the websites you need on the whitelist, you may still feel trapped like I did when I first set the filters because most search engines and the internet in general is made to be addictive by nature (because that's how they make money, through collecting your data and giving you ads so they want you to browse as much as possible) but you'll get used to it in time like I did. It's really just a trick of the yetzer hara because when I first set my filter I had all the websites I needed but I still felt trapped at first simply because I wasn't able to browse freely even though I didn't have to do that at all because I had access to all the websites I needed.

And you can always have requests sent to your family organizer to allow websites that you need but you forgot to add to list and they can do this though their phones anywhere so long as they can access the internet with their phone and most of them have apps for iphone and android so they'll get notified immediately and respond to the request immediately. They all have many more amazing features, I really encourage you to look into them further on their respective websites and to try them out.

Hi

I saw someone writing today that he strengthen himself to ask for help in person

that's a big lesson for me, because sometimes we suffer our whole life because we can’t get through the embarrassment’s, but you do it ones, and after that we are different people for life, but it’s so hard.

I think a lot about it, why don’t I wanna reveal  anything,  because I want a good life, and with opening up I’m not gonna have that life. But it’s the opposite you open up one’s and you have those bricks of your shoulders, and you could start to heal.

My thoughts are

1)      It’s like doing surgery that you know is going to make you feel better, but its very hard to do it without numbing it first.

2)      The question is what is your life all about - A NICE PICTURE or you wanna be a great person and enjoy life, no matter what anyone thinks about you.

I think I’m too focused on the picture, so I need to develop my PENIMIUS and it will be much easier to open up.

3)      There is so much hidden and secreted, that when we reveal I feel like the person knows everything .

Hi

Really I need to celebrate one year on GYE, and the results 364 days out of 365 days.

But I don’t feel like it now, because I could use some improvement with watching my eyes.

But even in that sense I’m doing much better than before,

I wrote on my plan, when will I know if it’s working, if it’s not gonna be worse not to look, and B”H today I feel good after I look away, and I do have good periods with watching my eyes.

So I guess it’s really the YH doing that to me.

So I want to work on it for the next two weeks, to watch my eyes on the street etc.

And I will buy myself something if I succeed.

[If anyone wants to join me it would be appreciated]

All the best

Hi

Really I need to celebrate one year on GYE, and the results 364 days out of 365 days.

But I don’t feel like it now, because I could use some improvement with watching my eyes.

 

Guys here have to learn to celebrate each accomplishment. Shmiras eynayim is a life long job, and as we graduate from one area, another challenge takes front stage. By celebrating the awesome accomplishment of 364 days clean, you will give yourself the pride to charge forward with the next level - in your case the street. May Hashem continue to help you move forward!

DOES ANYONE WANT TO JOIN ME FOR 2 WEEKS KEEPING OUR EYES CLEAN

sign me up!

B''H day one was very good

If yours was good too , join me by hitting  the thank you tab

No Mask wrote on 07 Jun 2022 21:54:

Count me in!

No Mask wrote on 07 Jun 2022 21:54:

I cant commit to two weeks but i can commit for the next 24 hours!

me iyh
 PM me so we can do this together