I am so very grateful that I found this site.
I never imagined i had a ‘problem’ or an addiction but it’s obvious that my animal instincts keep taking over. 
The first 17 years of my life were lived in Judaism and our culture , praying daily and keeping our holidays. Then I moved out at the age of 17 and experienced new things and got caught up in ego driven desires and one woman after the other. Carnal desires, lust, going after married or attached women. Strippers , porn, parties. ( thankfully no drugs ) My relationships were always based on sex first. I loved this way for almost 30 years. And no Jewish women. 
Then things changed. Over time I wanted to be better but I kept falling victim to the memories in my mind of those acts of desire and would repeat them with sometime else or through porn. 
It seemed like it was taking over my life. Like unless I had a porn star like woman then it was a waste. It was all ego. Before I knew it the years passed and here I am , never married and only a long history to show for it. And not great history. 
In February of 2020 I seriously undertook a path to come back, be better. Prayers, study and growth. It felt good. Slowly getting there. Then my father fell ill and he passed away 6 months later. It was then that I got a lot more serious about my changes. My parents had put us in a highly religious school when we were young so to fall off the way I did was dishonourable to him and my mother. I wanted to be the man they wanted us to be and honour him especially in this first year of his passing. 
Being a person who used to watched porn or set up sexual activities several times a week I had gone a couple of times of two months straight of no desire or activities, good clean living and Torah studies. But once in awhile my other side and memories would take over. And I would fall.
And the shame would take over. I want to be better especially in this first year of my fathers passing. I do well. Then my mind takes over sometimes. Granted , nowhere near as often as in the past but still, more often recently. I try to justify to myself that I’m not doing anything that bad. I’m alone. Single. And this prevents me from doing something worse like actually being with another woman just for sex. 
This is my struggle. I can have it, get it but ever since I’ve worked on being in a better path and reconnecting to Hashem it has been a challenge to find a good Jewish woman for me. What’s terrible is that Hashem had brought several good Jewish women in my life over the last few years but I was still looking only for sex and porn. Now that I am seriously committed to being better it has been a struggle to find someone. I am guessing this is my challenge now. I was given opportunities and blew it. Now I have to go through my tests to find that one person I am guessing that will save me somehow. Even though it is my duty to save myself.
Almost daily my thoughts creep in. Visions. Desires. And at the most inappropriate times ! Sometimes while I am praying. Makes me feel like a complete creep.
I feel like all these many years of living like life was all about the flesh is constantly there trying to pull me back.
sorry for the long post. I just needed to vent.
Thank you everyone.
Jack

Hi

What am amazing life story. 

When we feel overwhelmed, we must realize that this gives us an opportunity to attain unprecedented merit. The more challenges we face — whether they were given to us entirely by Hashem or whether we brought them upon ourselves — the greater our opportunity for achievement. The lower a person’s spiritual level, the greater he can become. The deeper he has sunk, the higher he can reach. Granted, it is not so easy to change our and to overcome strong desires, but if we do, we become men of phenomenal accomplishments. We will reach astounding heights and score victories that others, even many great tzaddikim, did not attain because they never faced such challenges. Our challenges, while difficult and humbling, are also opportunities for us to reach unprecedented greatness.

Our battles are challenging, and as long as we are trying to succeed, we should not be too hard on ourselves. Although we might think that if others knew what we were struggling with they would look down on us, that is not true. Most people would empathize with us, and though unfortunately a few people might belittle us, it is only because they have never experienced our challenges and can’t understand what we are going through. If they had been challenged, they might have fallen worse than we have. It is impossible for them to know they would do better, and they are making a mistake when they belittle our challenges. Ultimately, however, Hashem created all challenges, and He knows exactly what goes on. He knows we want to do good, and He never looks down on us or rejects us.

Please stay connected and you'll learn and grow a lot from our great member here with the help of Hashem. 

JacobsLadder wrote on 30 May 2021 14:18:

Thank you Jack for your vulnerable share. Your courage to share on this forum is to be commended! There is a way out of the madness and seemingly insurmountable obstacles that I and countless others have experienced. For starters, keep coming back and continue searching for recovery. It's a process that will heal you over time. Feel free to DM me anytime to discuss further.
Best wishes,  
G4L

Thank you so very much ! I am definitely going to embark on the programs offered and look for help. And I will reach out. Thanks again.
Jack

Thank you so very much. These messages also help me realize I’m ok, just need to be better.

Hi Jack!
Welcome, so happy you found this site!
It's an awesome place to hang out.
Keep us updated on your progress, and look around at other threads, there is tons to gain.

HappyYid

P.S. hitting the 'quote' button is the right button to reply to someone's post, hitting the 'reply' button just keeps the post in the thread. It could got confusing in the beginning.

Sorry now I know

Wow, what a story! Your soul obviously had a long journey to undergo in this lifetime. But finally you're pointed in the right direction, you are very fortunate! Hashem loves you tremendously. Don't let dark thoughts take you down. Each victory is priceless. There will be setbacks, that is normal. Be patient and kind to yourself, as you would to someone else who you knew was in your situation. With the tools of GYE and the great chevra here, you're in good hands!