I'm sure there are many explanations for what ​אֶחֱטָא וְאָשׁוּב  means but ill quote from the Tanya perek 25 in Lekutai Amarim

Although the Talmud states that “He who says, I will sin and repent, [sin and repent]’ is not given an opportunity [to do so],”

[p][וְאַף שֶׁ"הָאוֹמֵר אֶחֱטָא וְאָשׁוּב – אֵין מַסְפִּיקִין כוּ'",[/p]

this means merely that G‑d does not aid such a sinner, granting him the auspicious occasion to repent.

הַיְינוּ, שֶׁאֵין מַחֲזִיקִים יָדוֹ לִהְיוֹת לוֹ שְׁעַת הַכּוֹשֶׁר לַעֲשׂוֹת תְּשׁוּבָה,

If, however, he seizes the opportunity himself and he repents, “Nothing can stand in the way of repentance.”

אֲבָל אִם דָּחַק הַשָּׁעָה וְעָשָׂה תְּשׁוּבָה – אֵין לְךָ דָּבָר שֶׁעוֹמֵד בִּפְנֵי הַתְּשׁוּבָה.]


Hopefully this stands to be mechazek you in some way.
Also, from what i understand. teshuva for these aveiros while it is important, it shouldn't be the focus while one is in midst of struggling. The focus should be to get yourself on some solid base and when one feels he has control over this struggle he can start working on his teshuva. 

committed_togrowth wrote on 06 Apr 2022 23:08:

Thanks so much! Will look into it but sounds like pretty much what I'm looking for. Mp3 shouldn't be an issue for me I never really have a taiva to act out by listening im a visual sort of guy 

Zedj wrote on 07 Apr 2022 01:27:

Thanks so much this does make me feel better about myself

Update for the olam: today was pretty easy had a moment where I accidently looked at st briefly but besides for that nothing crazy. Barely any hirhurim either. 
think that's normal for me the real test will be in a few days if it ramps up again

Also i just want to thank everyone who attempted to help me while I was in crazy mode really appreciate all of your efforts and I apologize for anything I said if it was insensitive or hurtful 

Just read through a lot of this thread. Your an inspiration! Remember, the biggest mitzvah and real avodas hashem is when we strengthen ourselves to serve hashem and continue the fight even when we’re on the bottom with a lost streak and have fallen feeling all bruised from the battle. Let’s serve Hashem! Not ourselves when it feels right cuz I have a million days! You got this! Hatzlacha! 

Gonna go back to reading a bit of battle of the generation every day. At a certain point I stopped bc I thought I "didn't need it anymore". Regardless of if thats ever true its definitely not true now so going back to a daily reading reminding myself to stay strong

BH got rid of the phone (threw it in the garbage). Felt incredible

Woo!

Hey guys updating in- been a really tough time recently but I also think my identity is compromised  so I think I might open up a new account. 

Still will reply to my email 

thanks guys for everything you guys have done for me

EvedHashem1836 wrote on 21 Apr 2022 21:19:

Amazing!
And thank you for all you’ve done for us!
Whoever you are you’re certainly one of a kind.
Much Hatzlocha in this and all that you do.

YeshivaGuy

Hey guys I'm back.

Long story short I made a different account but it just wasnt the same without everyone knowing my background. So here I am again.

True maybe a few ppl can figure out (or have figured out) who I am but I still think its worth it to put my struggles out over here. Plus maybe I'm not so embarrassed due to my past successes (more on this later). That being said if anyone approaches me and asks if I'm EvedHashem1836 I'll probably deny it. You've been warned.

So to sum up: 

When I first started trying to quit the struggle I don't think I got past 10 day streak.

Then I found GYE and started posting and hit a 17 day streak, followed by a fall, then followed by a 400+ day streak.

Fell around 70 days ago. Those 70 days are broken up roughly like this: Fall, 21 days clean, 20 days of consistent falling every few days, and then a ~30 day clean streak, which leads to today, which was another fall.

And i'm not sure why its so much more difficult this time around than when I first started GYE. I'm thinking its either because 1) I haven't been posting while I did the first time around, or 2) the first time around I didn't even know if I could hit 90 days and was just trying to do my best. Whereas now its possible i'm shooting to get at least triple digits on my first try and am trying too hard. Or something along those lines. If anyone has any other possibilities let me know I'm trying to figure this out.

So today I had some hirhurim. Not uncommon. And the hirhurim weren't even so heavy it was pretty light compared to some of the stuff I get sometimes. But for reasons that be I decided to give in and act out. Afterwards I felt really terrible and wrote down my feelings (Couldn't even finish looking through the pictures because I felt so disgusted - I tried to keep looking and just couldn't do it). Then later in the day I had the yetzer hara argument of "just act out again another time to get the full hana'a to prevent future falls". Except that wasn't really it. I don't even know why I decided to act out again today (a few hours after the first acting out) but I did anyway even though I really didn't even desire it. No thoughts, kishui, anything like that. I was even on a "high" from a good seder and decided to act out. Once I decided to act out I decided I'm going with this all the way and even once I don't feel "excited" anymore I'm gonna keep looking at pictures to really "get my keep". And I knew i would be disgusted at that point but i resolved to keep looking anyway.

And I couldn't keep looking! Its crazy! I forced myself to act out, forced myself to keep looking, and its just so disgusting that I COULDN"T DO IT. 

Just goes to show it really is something disgusting that you know right after the desire leaves the body that what youre doing is gross.

I think I'm going to remind myself of this maybe every day at some point to keep it fresh in my mind that a minute into acting out ill be repulsed by what I'm seeing


So anyway I'm back here I guess for some accountability and to talk to some old friends (not sure how active I'll be but maybe I'll check in once a week or so? Less than that might not be realistic I have a very busy yeshiva schedule). I try to read a bit of battle of the generation every day (been good w that recently) and just try to keep myself busy learning. 

Baruch Hashem my memory is incredible but that means that pretty much all the more memorable things that I've seen are etched well in my mind so I will often rethink of things i've seen, especially while i'm in bed.


That's it for now, will try to keep in touch

I also think I'm going to not update my count for a bit. Don't think it helps me to see numbers I consider "small". If I get to ~75 maybe i'll feel better about it and update

(so you ask whats the point of not counting if youre gonna look at the small number of how long its been since you updated the count which will be the same thing anyway. And you make a good point I'm not really sure. But I feel good about this decision.)

I've done a similar thing with the count. Remember that the count is supposed to help you, so if not updating for a few days held then do it. I did the same after losing a big streak and started again at 5 once. I think it does o ease back in.

I resonate with a lot of what you wrote here, thank you for sharing. Particularly the paradoxical nature of not wanting to act out and finding it gross but forcing yourself to go through with the act. In my experience this suggests the basis of acting out isn't straightforward taiva, but rather an indication that I'm struggling psychologically with other areas in my life. We're trying to use a numbing technique that we don't even enjoy because we're trying to numb out and replicate past or imagined experiences of pleasure we got from this stuff. But the more we grow as people and become sensitized to our neshama, the less we can really let ourselves go and actually enjoy this.

Regarding coming off of a few long streaks and then suddenly finding things much more difficult, I also resonate with that too. I haven't gotten to the bottom of why thing are harder this time around for myself, but here's something I heard from Rabbi Moshe Weinberger. He says that with this struggle (or any struggle), you can find yourself having a good few weeks, months, even years. You think to yourself BH I am past this, and then suddenly the difficulty ramps up and you think you're back at square one. He says it's a big mistake to think you're back at square one. Hashem saw that you conquered your previous nisyonos, and for reasons known only to Him, he has brought you something new, a next level of challenge. The externalities might look the same, and we might mistakenly think we're back at square one, but this is a new challenge. Your life is different now that it was when you were on a 400 day streak, the whole entire condition is new and we have to grow into that new phase. Hope this helps, stay strong.

committed_togrowth wrote on 26 May 2022 04:08:

TThanks for sharing that r Moshe Weinberger

DDon't think I'm struggling psychologically w trauma or anything  (bh never had) I think I'm j ur average young bachur