Hi Everyone, Its been a while since i posted something here.
Its been an amazing feat getting to where i am today. I newver believed ill get to this point! As of now, im clean for 140 day! Well mostly clean..... Ive never had a more successful fight won...... However, my journey and the fact that i was clean for so long gave my mind some freedom to think about something else instead of worrying about this garbage all day. So, i started seeing clearer who i really am and what i really want. And this started bothering very much. I saw that im driven but not from a good place, but from shame (im not good enough) Fear (both from HAshem's punishment, and from others whom i perceived are all better then me), Anyhow, I needed to change something again..... So i decided that ill take it easy for a bit, Only learn how much i can, Daven with the best i can, not stress about it. I dont NEED to do anything, i have to be true to myself and not overdo anything else..... 
But now im in a bad polace where im starting to feel very low about myself and i have nothing holding me back from falling deep, because i dont have that drive to keep on fighting, ive slipped a ferw times in the last week or 2, i have not fallen yet, thats a plain miracle. 

Im afraid that ill lose this fight and feel even worse....



Thanks for reading. 

Firstly, you were just really mechazek me, 140 days. Mi keamcha yisrael.
What a way to enter this chanuka.
Oh it couldn't be truer that we just have to be ourselves, this is the key to battling this fight.  what is it that is making you feel low?
also feeling low doesn't mean we are low. your actually high very high. 
Trust all of us here that the pain of not giving in is alot smaller than the pain after giving in. 
Be yourself, be in touch with yourself, be in touch with your real self who you really are. stay away from triggers/isolation where possible, keep posting. but please please i beg of you don't fall, it's just not worth it, but really not worth it. 
in your case it sounds like your starting to allow yourself to slip up and then catch yourself last minute, but don't because then, what we think wont happen, may just.
another important point is that theese phases pass, we have triggers e.t.c and then they just pass and there will be easier phases again.
You (the real you) can do it,
excellence

Why don't you check out the Living Emunah series by Rabbi David Ashear? They're really good. Will help you build positive motivation in your avodas Hashem. Plus some connection with Hashem and bitachon too. Could help you develop that positive motivation you want.

Wishing you much success!

I opened up a likutai haluches from Reb Nusen of Breslov Z"L and started sayihng the first 2 tfilos. Cried my heart out and felt better. 
My biggest problem area is watching TV, Of course only what i consider Kosher, but there really is no such thing... so that triggers me. I dont know how to quit watching TV. 

chancy wrote on 08 Dec 2020 14:49:

Can you explain why you are so intimidated by stopping to watch TV? What are the specific reasons? 

Im bored at work alot. And I enjoy watching TV. 

Soo how u been?

I had a 'Ness Chanuka' and my TV streaming app stopped working on my computer.... i tried everything to fix it, but to no avail.....
So thats an easy way out...... for now......
Im still extremely stressed for no reason. I guess i suffer from GAD and have not found the right therapist yet. 

chancy wrote on 21 Dec 2020 19:03:

Hi chancy
We believe in Hashgach Pratis.. 
Just through your belief in His providence you raise yourself to a level at which Hashem is intimately involved in your life, in an open, beneficial way.
One who believes in hashgacha pratit finds Hashem in all that he sees and hears. Every facet of life becomes another opportunity to connect with the Infinite, and thereby another cause for celebration.

Let's hope that Hashem who can do anything will heal you from your GAD very soon!

Omien!!
I believe very strongly BH. Hasehm has helped me non stop in everything. 
This is something that im hitting a brick wall so far. Its taken a toll on me.... to tell you the truth, its become much worse since i stopped falling so much...  

chancy wrote on 21 Dec 2020 19:37:


There is a very important concept that if whatever we use lust for is not replaced with something as effective as lust was, we will be left stranded and feel even worse than before.

We need to develop a special relationship with Hashem to the level that it completely fills in what's missing in our life. 

One way to it is by clearly and directly asking Hashem to "please really give me whatever it is that I am really looking for in this lust desire right now - Please let me find it in You!"