Hi All, 
I've been struggling like most of us here with Porn and Masturbation since i was a teen. Suffered all thru out my Yeshiva years. Wasted my best years on this world on this garbage nebech. Hashem Should have mercy on my soul. 
Anyway, I wasn't making much headway after getting married. BH i found GYE more then a year ago and everything changed. I found the strength i needed to stop completely. Of course i still have urges and i fall sometimes. But it says שבע יפול צדיק וקם. BUt overall, i have had the best year in this area since i can remember. I can go Months without even having seen 1 bad thing or Masterbating! that is just amazing. BH for that!
Now, On the other hand, mentally i have never had such a bad year.... Ive never sufferd so much from low self worth, low sekf esteem, depression, helplessness, etc. like this year. its always been in the back of my mind, but im guessing i was self medicating with watching movies, and porn and masterbating, etc. that was my drug. Now that its taken away, i have nothing to medicate on. and im in sever pain all the time. I dont enjoy anything anymore, im always worried, my brain is always foggy, i cant concentrate on anything, the only time i have clear focus is when i get turned on. But i dont let myself because i know Hashem doesnt want that, 

Anyways, ive rambled on. Just wondering if anyone has/had similar experiences and any advise. 

Hi chancy. This is unbelievable progress. So many people would give up so much for what you've achieved. Yasher koach! But I'll be honest- I can't relate to your situation, and it sounds really scary.


I'm the exact opposite.

That being said, when I'm feeling down, I usually get a boost from helping others: wishing someone a good morning, giving a bit of tzedakah, calling an elderly relative, etc. Hope this helps.

I can't help but think of Yosef HaTzadik who did the right thing and was thrown in an Egyptian prison for it. I hope your yeshua comes soon.

I just thought of something else. There are materials around GYE that talk about being a "dry drunk", someone who abstains from their drug, but doesn't address their underlying issues that led them there. Perhaps you have certain mindset changes to still make.

I'm no expert, but I've been through my fair share of periods of depression. Each time was launched by something else, and led to me feeling hopeless and like a piece of junk, and that things would never get better. I was always thinking negatively and had no interest in anything. (On the plus side, it made my desires less. I hear that happens to some people, while for others their get worse as it's all they have to hang onto.)

I doubt that can be completely solved by this forum. But it might grant you some relief to let out your feelings anonymously to supportive people. And maybe someone will have a helpful idea.

So please tell us your story. Especially try to focus on: 1) Events that might have launched or contributed to your emotional feelings. 2) Tell us some examples of thoughts that you have. 3) Do your depressive feelings ever connect to your spiritual life? (Like for example, during Elul are you extra depressed?)

chancy wrote on 31 Aug 2020 20:04:

Can relate and over time I’v learned to cope with most of the pain by getting involved in good areas however I haven’t fully healed yet (40% of pain resolved and still in a lot of pain but I’m definitely happier than when I was a hardcore addict)...time is the best medicine and it helps to look where you are hurting, also from your post it seems you’re thinking clearly, perhaps you are having a nutritional deficiency that is causing you to feel that way? (During the summer most people are nearly dehydrated without realizing, for example I get pretty bad chest pains when dehydrated) Hope this helps!

Thank you for taking time to answer me....

I will get in to some specifics so you can have a clearer picture.
​1. Events to trigger me-I dont know why but the summer is always much worse for me. I love the outdoors and everything having to do with summer. but all summer i try to enjoy myself, i go biking, swimming, etc. but it seems that i never get the enjoyment or pleasure that i want or need. 
2. Examples of thoughts- Like im thinking too much into myself, like my brain is a inane maze that i cant figure out anymore, like im trying to do everything that i can/need. but its never enough and im exhausted both physically and mentally all the time. 
3. Of course!  My Dr jokes that i he knows that every Sept i come in feeling something or other....... Its Elul......
A few years ago, i found yiddishkeit to be the best and only real thing in this world. I have always learned a lot and from everything i learned i knew that i had to become a full on frum yid, (i dont mean shoimer torah, i always was....) i mean, stopping all the goyishe things in my life, all bad influance, all secular things, I slowly gave up movies, books, i put the strongest filters on my devices, i even gave up my smartphone, i started learning even more intensely, gave myself very high goals of learning, (for example, my current goal is around 3 hours per day,) keep in mind that i have a full time job and 6 kids KNH!. I have to finish a whole bunch of learning every week, i take tests every month and i usually score 99 on them. anyways, i took it very seriously with all the details. I was high on it. My davening was great. I felt things that the sfarim talk about but most yidden never experience...... 

But, it seems now that i might have just used ll of that for a high and to avoid pain. because like an addiction, it stopped feeling so good after a while and im back to pain. and now i have nowhere to go. I have asked Hashem and cry every day to Him to make me feel better, im sure he hears me and wants to help me, i believe this is all for my benefit. 

I just hope that i have enough strength to endour and keep on fighting. 

Sorry for the long post. but it does help to vent in public (so to speak)....

Thank you

My main reason and constant bulwark against falling back into addiction is that i will feel even worse then i do now. and that stops me. 
So i guess in some way i do feel better that at least im doing something better that i was. 
But again, its all just about not feeling pain, used to be i would do shmutz not to feel pain, now, i DONT do that so as not to feel pain. 
You understand that its all the same thing down here? Im hoping in heaven im in a better position now. but here its just pain. 

Wow! You sound like an amazingly sensitive person in a lot of pain with a finger on their spiritual pulse. Beautiful.

Do you have a rebbi or rav or a trusted smart friend to speak to? Personally I think you would gain an immense amount from a few sessions with a therapist or psychologist. There is nothing wrong with you. It's just that when someone talented can view your predicament without the pain and confusion you feel, it can be a real eye opener.

When your in the frame you can't see the picture. 

                                       Grant 

Can you relate to any of these thoughts:

“I am a failure. The sin I just did makes me worthless. I am off the derech, exactly like those who have rejected everything. I am just as bad. I am a sinner.
    “I should have controlled myself. I could have done better. If I had just pushed myself harder, I would have won the battle. It would have been so simple for me to control myself had I tried harder, but I blew it again! I should have much more control over myself.
    “I am so ashamed. I’m embarrassed to even go near anybody. Anyone who would know what I did would look down on me. Nobody would empathize with me about my struggles, not that there is much to empathize with anyway. Everybody does much better than me. I am probably the only person who does these things. No one else sins in this area, and I give in left and right. I am messed up.
    “All the good I ever did is meaningless because I did this huge sin. I am horrible. How hard I fought and my effort to change myself is irrelevant; my sin is all that matters.
“Even though I labored and managed to control myself for the past two days, two weeks, or two months, that is worthless. I am the same out of control person I always was. All my effort was a waste; I’m just as horrible as I was before.
“Besides, any good I did doesn’t count because I was obligated to do it anyway. All that matters is falling short — which I just did when I violated my obligations.
    “I bet Hashem is furious with me. He hates me and has rejected me. It is hopeless! He will always look down on me. Even if I do teshuva, Hashem won’t accept it. It’s impossible to undo something this severe. I did it; how can I get rid of it?
    “Further, what happened is all my fault. I brought everything upon myself when I befriended those people and experimented with these sins. Had I controlled myself then, things would be so easy. If I didn’t watch those movies and hang out with those friends, I would still be pure. I activated my desires. 
    “And now that I have awakened my temptations, it is too late. I can’t stop myself. I am incapable, as I just proved. I do these things. I am an addict and I will never regain control, no matter what I do. I can’t even improve the situation. I’m doomed.”


They come from a book called The Battle of the Generation (download here:https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation), in Appendix A near the end of the book. You might want to read that Appendix.

Having dealt with many episodes of depression while in yeshiva, I specialize in "Elul Management" lol. But seriously, if you can elaborate on what thoughts you think in Elul and how it makes you feel, maybe I or someone else here would have some ideas for you.

Sounds like you need to learn to share these feelings with a friend. You write very well but sound lonely.

Thank you again for taking your time for me. 

Here is the answer, I dont really have these thoughts of despair becuase i sinned anymore. I know that i did some bad things, and i know that i was born with these desires. Ive had them since i can remember myself. I know this is my mission in life to conquer them. I know that Hashem accepts my tshuva, Even thought its not at a level needed. I know that i am undoubtedly trying my very best. And i know that im getting better. So its not so much me berating myself for what i have done, the main reason i actually stopped doing most basd things is becuase i couldnt stand the feeling of failure and i needed to win something to make myself feel better. 

My Problems are more like 'am i doing enough for Hashem?' Or am i just lying to myself and others and i dont deserve to receive any good things from Hashem?' All the mitzvos im doing are not my credit' i dont do them nearly as good as they should be done. I can barely concentrate when i daven or bench, as hard as i try. My learning is also done only partly for the right reasons, the other part is so i can feel better.

I feel like the only reason i ask Hashem to be close to me is so i can stop feeling in pain, and that is not what i consider proper, im afraid that Hashem is looking at me and saying ' really? thats why?' I dont think im a good enough parent, im deathly afraid of failing in that area. All of my thoughts basically run in this direction. 'im not good enough in any area' and that means i have to keep fighting to get better at everything'.   That. Is. Exhausting. if i had to put it into medical terms, i would say i suffer from Overachieving and perfectionism due to Anxiety and low self worth/esteem.  

Elul just makes it worse, because i know we are all getting judged soon and im afraid of not having been or done enough good to merit a better year. Thats besides the terrible anxiety that i grew up with in my community during this time. We were not even allowed to smile too much (or so it seemed to my child eyes). 



With my eyes raised to Hashem, i say "Please have mercy on me and help me out of this prison soon" Omien. 

You are very right. 
I've never had any close friends, let alone friends that i can talk like this to.

Unfortunately, i dont know any Rabaim in my area that understand to either addiction or mental health. 
I have seen a therapist a few times last year. Diudnt do anything. 
I have reached out to another one that does things a bit different called 'Coherence Therapy' and hopefully will be able to see him soon. 

No doubt the right therapist would be great. But the question is how easily one would be able to help for your situation. The problem I always had was that I felt like you and I felt that that was the truth of Judaism and that all the rebbeim and speeches I heard agreed with that view. And that things would always be terrible in my life because I didn't live up to the levels of the Avos, etc. You know the drill.
The issue was that if that's what I thought was true, how would a conversation with a goyish therapist or a moderately religious one convince me otherwise? That's the big problem.
My path took a lot of turns and Hashem eventually led me to a good place. (PM me if you think discussing further would be helpful.)
​Anyway, my point is that it's very easy for me or anyone else to tell you to try therapy, etc., but it's really a very tight dilemma without easy solutions. Perhaps if you found the right therapist and the right rebbe / rabbi, and you learn more about the true reality of how Hashem views us. Also try to immerse yourself in books about bitachon, both contemporary ones like the Living Emunah series and the classics like Chovos Halevavos Shaar Habitachon and Rabbi Avraham ben Harambam's Sefer Hamaspik's chapter on bitachon. These are very helpful in more ways than you can imagine.
(Please PM me if you want to discuss anything further.)

@Captain: What's wrong with a frum therapist?