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I want to stop so badly
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TOPIC: I want to stop so badly 581 Views

Re: I want to stop so badly 14 Aug 2020 19:56 #353759

  • Aaron1
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yct wrote on 13 Aug 2020 00:57:
What sort of plan do I make? I don’t even know where to start.

I really think it's best to start small. Otherwise, it can be overwhelming, especially if you experience anxiety.

I don't know where you are holding, so please excuse me if this sounds presumptuous. I previously suggested waiting an extra 90 seconds. If that's too much, just turn the video resolution down from 1080p to 720p or whatever it may be.

It might sound silly, and chas v'shalom am I telling you stop there, but you need to prove to yourself that this is manageable and that you can set standards for yourself. It will build your self-esteem and you'll be ready for more.

If what I suggested is okay with you, please vocalize it to us here**. Go ahead with your kabbalah for a week and let us know how it went and if you're ready for more**. I'm willing to post here with you every week with new suggestions. If you need a break to catch your breath, that's fine. 10 years from now, you won't care if it took you an extra 6 months, but a year from now you'll have wished you started today.

[**Hypocrisy disclaimer- I came across GYE in 2016, but never posted until last week. To this day, I'm not sure if it was out of pride or out of shame, but I know it was a mistake. If you're willing to take the plunge, I'll post my kabbalah's with you.]

Re: I want to stop so badly 14 Aug 2020 20:10 #353761

  • Grant400
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Awesome! Now that you have the foundation and the engine, it's time to build a plan to remove triggers and a list of reasons why you want to stop. Now you should create a toolbox for yourself to use in weaker moments. Hatzlacha!

Re: I want to stop so badly 14 Aug 2020 22:12 #353767

  • yct
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Aaron1 wrote on 14 Aug 2020 19:56:

yct wrote on 13 Aug 2020 00:57:
What sort of plan do I make? I don’t even know where to start.

I really think it's best to start small. Otherwise, it can be overwhelming, especially if you experience anxiety.

I don't know where you are holding, so please excuse me if this sounds presumptuous. I previously suggested waiting an extra 90 seconds. If that's too much, just turn the video resolution down from 1080p to 720p or whatever it may be.

It might sound silly, and chas v'shalom am I telling you stop there, but you need to prove to yourself that this is manageable and that you can set standards for yourself. It will build your self-esteem and you'll be ready for more.

If what I suggested is okay with you, please vocalize it to us here**. Go ahead with your kabbalah for a week and let us know how it went and if you're ready for more**. I'm willing to post here with you every week with new suggestions. If you need a break to catch your breath, that's fine. 10 years from now, you won't care if it took you an extra 6 months, but a year from now you'll have wished you started today.

[**Hypocrisy disclaimer- I came across GYE in 2016, but never posted until last week. To this day, I'm not sure if it was out of pride or out of shame, but I know it was a mistake. If you're willing to take the plunge, I'll post my kabbalah's with you.]

Is is really gonna help me for the long run if I make such a small kabalah? In general to break addictions u need to go cold turkey not wean your self off it 

Re: I want to stop so badly 14 Aug 2020 23:10 #353768

  • Jj123
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Going cold turkey sounds great.
It's just not realistic. 
Slips happen.
Falls happen.

We need to develop ways to approach the issue. Ways that work for us. Their are many tools and strategies so we all have to find what works for us and keep tweaking and staying motivated.

I'm not sure it's small changes as much as it is gradual change.
After a few solid months of effort someone might be falling every other week rather than twice a week. Might be able to resist the urge for 2 minutes. 

If it's all or nothing, it's nothing.

It takes work but if you put in effort you'll make progress. And worth it, in my experience. But that's for you to decide.

All the best
Last Edit: 14 Aug 2020 23:11 by Jj123. Reason: Edit

Re: I want to stop so badly 16 Aug 2020 02:56 #353781

  • YeshivaGuy
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I definitely feel the same about myself.
though, I was diagnosed with clinical depression, and dealing with it has changed my life, and has made this fight much easier.

Not that I’m, per say, advocating meditation.
Its something that I needed for depression, and it happened to help me in this arena as well.

So perhaps if u see a psychiatrist for anxiety (if necessary) u May experience the same...

Hatzlocha!!!

Re: I want to stop so badly 16 Aug 2020 03:00 #353782

  • YeshivaGuy
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FYI: this is what I was responding to.
I just figured out how to quote

Re: I want to stop so badly 16 Aug 2020 03:01 #353783

  • YeshivaGuy
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yct wrote on 13 Aug 2020 04:28:
i believe another reason why i struggle so much is because is because i have anxiety, and low self esteem which could put me in a bad mood and that bad mood leaves me much more vulnerable to use it to get "high".

Re: I want to stop so badly 16 Aug 2020 08:37 #353805

  • Aaron1
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yct wrote on 14 Aug 2020 22:12:
Is is really gonna help me for the long run if I make such a small kabalah? In general to break addictions u need to go cold turkey not wean your self off it 

No, probably not. A small kabbalah will probably not significantly help you in the long run. But a hundred small ones might. Or even ten smalls ones plus fifteen medium ones. If it's something that easy, why aren't you already doing it? Chances are you didn't make a conscious decision about it. I'm just suggesting how you can start somewhere. After a few days or a few weeks (you decide), you can up your game with bigger, better ones!

There is a quote that's attributed to Mark Twain. It goes as follows: "Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."

If you've never tried quitting cold turkey (I was assuming you had), then obviously go for it! I personally found the Taphsic Method to be really effective. However, even worse than cigarettes, the triggers are everywhere and we always have a "lighter" on us. An issue I used to have was that whenever I would set my next quit date, I would binge, telling myself I was getting it out of my system one last time; the cold-turkey mindset was making it worse for me as I was setting myself up for failure every time.

Over the years, I've replaced a lot of my electronic devices, configured them differently, upgraded my layers of filters several times, closed several social media accounts, reduced my contact with acquaintances that were dragging me down, took on new Torah study commitments, started volunteering, associated with better people, changed my eating and sleeping habits, and dozens of other things. There's no way I would have been prepared to take on all those things overnight. Just committing to suddenly taking cold showers was a little too hard. People I know who've successfully lost a lot of weight followed a similar approach.

It makes a lot of sense to me why this battle is called the yesod; it feeds off every part of my life and builds every part of my life. Whatever you choose, I wish you much hatzlacha. It's exciting for me to read about the "foundation and engine", in Grant's words, that you're building.

Re: I want to stop so badly 05 Oct 2020 02:50 #355756

  • yct
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Hi everyone sorry for not posting for so long. I was away in yeshiva and didn’t have my phone. I did very well during the zman. Now I’m back home I already had one bad fall. But I’m gonna get back up there. 

Re: I want to stop so badly 05 Oct 2020 11:06 #355772

Hiya,



I haven't posted on your thread before. Just wishing you a warm welcome back. 




By the way, the idea of a small kabbalh was mentioned earlier. Remember what the medrash says - 'you open for me the entrance the size of a needle, I will open for you a doorway for carriages.'  So, a small kabbalah earns help from Hashem, which means it really helps.

יהי רצון שהדברים לתועלת

Today I will do what others won't, so tomorrow I can do what others can't.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.
We all make choices in life, but in the end, our choices make us.

Re: I want to stop so badly 06 Oct 2020 05:28 #355792

  • yct
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It’s very hard for me to make these small Kabbalahs and keep to them but I think o decided on something. Wen I feel I am about to have a big fall (porn or masturbation)I will blinder say the 1st 4 kapitlach of tehillim b4 allowing myself to fall. Wat do u guys think? sounds good?

Re: I want to stop so badly 06 Oct 2020 11:31 #355798

I once heard a talk from R' Kellerman on the topic of kabbalahs. He quoted the Rambam, who seems to say teshuva is when Hashem Himself can testify that you will keep your kabbalah. That's a pretty high standard. So he explains how to make an effective kabbalah - it has to be really tiny. Like super small. But then you do something massive to try and keep it.

For example, in your case, he would probably say make this kabbalah instead. '3 times a year, for 10 seconds, I will try hold myself back from falling even if I want to. This is bli neder.' Then to safeguard the kabbah, so it for sure will happen, any time you want to fall you recite the 4 chapters of tehillim. This would be a real teshuva, and opens the gates for Hashem to help you.

I'll link the shiur below in case you want to listen. And I'm sure there are other approaches as well. Hope it helps though.

www.simpletoremember.com/media/a/YomKippur1/

All the best

יהי רצון שהדברים לתועלת

Today I will do what others won't, so tomorrow I can do what others can't.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.
We all make choices in life, but in the end, our choices make us.

Re: I want to stop so badly 08 Oct 2020 03:59 #355897

  • yct
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Thanks that’s really nice
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