If you change your attitude toward this battle, it will be much easier to win. Check out the 2 resources below in my signature.

Welcome tzitzit

I think the most important thing is a complete change in perspective 
I am really trying to.

Your focal point should be the victories. 
How soon do you usually give in? 
The longest I've been able to hold out is two weeks.  Here lately it has been 2-3 times every other day.  After Shabbos has been problematic.  The more kedusha that is obsorbed into the soul the greater the yetzer hara wants to take out it seems.

Do you fight the y"h for a few minutes/hours/days before you fall? 

It depends, but then, the kedusha factor I mentioned above it seems.

That struggle, how you fought and won for so long is amazing. 

Once you realise that try pushing off the fall for an extra 20 minutes or whatever is just pushing your limits. Be realistic. 

Realise that what defines you is how hard you fight not how much the yetzer hora attacked you

I like your thinking.

To help you change perspective try reading the battle of the generation' suggested by Captain 

I plan to.

Don't worry about gehinnom and all that, it's the yetzer hora trying to make you depressed so you should lose strength and focusfocus. Teshuva is very simple but now is not the time for that, first thing is azivas hatchet which means focus on the future, on how to slowly achieve sobriety. 

Even though I have a goal to be as clean as possible before Rosh HaShana, the fact is, deep down, I realize I need to focus on the future realizing that there will be future setbacks.  I will not be ok with it, but I am working hard to try to be ok with it and the realization that it will be the future steps to hopefully iy'H becoming sober for a very long time.

It would also help to be active and post your progress here on the forum. 
I plan to.

Looking forward to hearing from you. 

Likewise

Hatzlacha  Amen, thank you.

Hi TZITZIT

I agree with everyone here. The yetzer gets you to do the aveira, and then gives you loads of guilt so you don't even get the pleasure from it.

That is exactly what has been detering me from doing it here lately.  The feeling of digust afterwards, along with depression, anxiety, hopelessness.  But then, the desire always overpowers that the longer I hold off.

Focus on how much Hashem desires your struggle, and how proud he is of you every second you fight.
I really do try to think that.  I do try to think positive and not try not to think of how I never fail to disappoint HaShem in the end when I do act out.


All the best  You too

Welcome!  Realize that all beginnings are hard.  But do not give up.  Keep us posted on your journey. 

On the topic of Gehenom:
As a young lad, struggling with one of my many bouts of  depression, I was in the class when a Rebbe said that everyone in the room would probably be going to Gehenom.

Sounds like a shiur I once listened to on  Gehenom.    It was quite graphic and I highly doubt I will ever listen to it again.

And the fact that he included himself and the sho'el umeishiv in there did not make me feel better. Just the opposite: even if I become like him i'm still going. And the suffering of one second there is worse than all the pain i'm going through now.

I learned that the worst suffering in this world is only a 60th of what will be there.  That is about as graphic as I will get for now.

But after I actually learned a little bit, I completely can't understand why people have this misconception. The Gemara says in many places but especially in Kiddushin 39b that if a person is a tzaddik, which means more mitzvos than aveiros, Hashem tries to clean the person off in this world so he doesn't have to go to Gehenom.

These are comforting words.  I personally would like to suffer in this world than gehenom.

Now what happens if the person sends a lot right before he dies it's a big argument in the Rishonim, and most hold he does go. This is not some clear-cut situation that everyone is going for something they did 40 years ago. 

The point is: just try your best. No one can know exactly how they are holding, if they are for sure a tzaddik, etc. But the way to be a tzaddik is to try, because it all depends on effort. I can't make you any guarantees, but if you try you most probably won't be going. 

I will try my best with what I am dealt with in this world.  May HaShem have mercy on my soul and the souls of K'lal Yisrael.

I was pleased to find the Sefer ha'Ikrim who is clear about this many times, that to say that Hashem set up a system that people who are trying to be good Jews are going downstairs to suffering that's worse than all the suffering in this world is actually an unflattering way of viewing God. (i dont remember sources off the top of my head, but I remember that Maamar 3 Chapter 29 was one relevant one.) Also see Chovos Halevavos Shaar Habitachon near the end of Chapter 4. In short, such attitudes are not only wrong but completely miss the boat and misrepresent Hashem in a negative way, which obviously is a problem. Do your best and rely on Hashem for the rest, and for Him to put you in a good place had to find ways to clean you up and to make you be considered meritorious. That's what we're supposed to do, not only because it's helpful for us in this battle, but also because we're saying something good about Hashem instead of something bad. 

I will have to research this.  Thank you for pointing this out.

There's a lot more to discuss on this topic, but at this is probably not the time.

Agreed.  Perhaps I should've left the  gehenom part out of my intro but it does play a big part of my negativity towards myself, my falling, and why I've been falling because of "what's the use anyway?"