May you merit to learn many, many tosfos in the merit of your mesiras nefesh!!!
Davening for you , YeshivaGuy!

Sorry if this is gross.
Lately often when I urinate, sperm comes out.
Is that normal? Is it because I’m not masterbating?
Like, I had tons of taiva to masterbate but I held back from touching myself etc.
And then I had to urinate and it was sperm…

Been super freaked out, would appreciate an answer.
Thanks

Ignore it completely and don't look next time.... Keep up your incredible actions!

Hashem Help Me wrote on 22 Feb 2022 17:37:

Don’t look where? I didn’t see anything bad, I just had the taiva. You mean I shouldn’t look what I’m urinating?

Correct. Don't look in the bathroom - it will just make you nervous.

Bh 7 days clean.

Keep it up! You're amazing!!!

8 Days Clean, Bh.

Made some big mistakes tonight.
I’ve been thinking of starting to listen to music again after stopping it for a few years since it causes emotion which is painful.
But when I got the ability I got tik toc as well. (Though im against it since I don’t wanna support communist china…)

Saw some girls dancing. Listened to kol isha and a little erotica.
Later tonight I had a lot of taiva to masterbate.

This is where I made a crucial mistake. I thought to myself that if I would masterbate I should at least see bad stuff too.
This is a bad cheshbon because negatives only equal positives in math.
So I saw bad things on internet.
Not b’chlall porn grade but I’m lumping everything together.
Then masterbated.

I used music as a pretext for kol isha/erotica which aroused me and instead of cutting my losses, I increased them.

And even when I got to the point where I was able to ejaculate, I kept watching since I felt I might as well, though I didn’t feel like I particularly “needed” it. 

Learning from this and moving on.
A lot of yesodos.
I’m happy to at least now know that I can and WANT to be clean, as it has been many months since I have had such a desire.

And I’ll note that over the course of the last 574 days since starting this thread, I’ve been cumulatively clean for 529 of them.


YeshivaGuy

Just had a massive trauma trigger.
Sent me into full rage…
Dealt with it in the best way I can at this point.
Big pressure to take it out on porn/masterbation, but using instead a better way of expressing the deep pain and fury from past trauma.

May Gd heal me fast.

So sorry for your pain.

3 days clean. Bh.

New count is for any moving picture- including gifs,clips etc.
Not for masterbating.
Looking to chip away at the compulsion of seeing stimuli when aroused.
Splitting up masterbating and this.


Goal is to be clean for 10 days.

That is an excellent goal buddy. Practically speaking there are a number of major differences between masturbation and Internet/phone shmutz. The obvious one is that our penises are connected to us 24/7, and is with us in every private location. Often one is aroused subconsciously while spaced out, or wakes up very triggered. The nisayon is more constant and hard to avoid. Internet/phone on the other hand involves having to access something outside of ourselves that is not connected to us physically. Time and effort are sometimes necessary and one can leave these devices elsewhere when going to the restroom, or going into bed or other private locations.

Secondly, your ultimate goal is iyh to have a beautiful married life b'ezras Hashem. A wife who finds her husband masturbating may be disgusted, but most probably will be able to swallow it. A wife who finds her husband watching pornography or calling sex lines will invariably feel cheated on and her confidence in the marriage can chas v'shalom be shattered.

Lastly, watching/calling pornography is toxic. One is again and again brainwashed that sex is a selfish act, and one's future wife will at most be his kosher masturbating tool. He will try to manipulate his wife to reenact what he saw online, which will often cause her to freeze up in bed. Besides the complete corrupting of the bracha Hashem gave us called sexuality, the guy will unfortunately not even enjoy the experience after a while. Masturbation on the other hand, unless accompanied by hyperfocused fantasies, avoids that poison.

​In no way am i trying to say it is ok to masturbate. (The goal is to cut that out too.) And for the heavy lusters, my advice may not be so appropriate. However for many of us anxious types, it can be beneficial to separate these two different challenges. In addition, by not watching pornography, the overwhelmingness of the urge to masturbate also begins to diminish. Hatzlocha buddy! 

Hashem Help Me wrote on 04 Mar 2022 12:17:

This is a masterpiece, Hashem Help Me. Thank you for putting this into words so beautifully. There is so much to be learned from every single sentence in this paragraph (not to the exclusion of the other paragraphs).
Especially piercing is the line "and one's future wife will at most be his kosher masturbating tool." That mamash shakes me to my core.