Bh I’m 4 days clean.
I went to davening Friday night for the 2nd time in more than 3 months. It was hard but I pulled through just saying the words. Mainly what was hard was that I kept repeating in my mind that I hadn’t done this in so long which gave me anxiety…

Trying to slowly build myself back up without judging and looking down on myself for not being better.
Still have a ways to go, but I really feel like I’m slowly piecing myself back together.

I also feel like I should be dating now but I know that I need to deal with these problems I have.
Trying to accept that and to chap how choshuv it is that I work through this all now before marriage because as I go deeper I see I would’ve gone nuts Chas v’shalom if I’d not deal with this stuff now.
Its hard cuz people walk over and say “nu? Are you dating??” And if I say no not yet they’re disappointed like I should be.

Anyway, have a wonderful night guys. You are all true friends.

YeshivaGuy

Nice to have you back

Welcome back,

It is extremely choshov and the right thing to do to wait for dating while dealing with emotional issues. Don't let anyone get you down because of it. People can be insensitive. Tell them to mind their own business, or just ignore them.
Hatzlacha Rabba

You're a hero and inspiration, YeshivaGuy. Do not let ANYONE push you to start dating before you are confident you are ready. And you are correct: DEFINITELY work through this sugya before marriage. I think 100% of married guys would agree with me on that. Rooting for you!

As someone who started dating and then took a break for a year and a half due to anxiety, I can tell you firsthand that it's not easy. People would redt Shidduchim, and I would basically brush them off. It was really weird because I had worked with several Shadchanim, and then I basically ignored them. In the end, it didn't make a difference. The second I re-entered I just called them up and said "Hey I know we kind of fell out of touch, I'm still in Shidduchim, do you by any chance have any ideas?' People are usually blissfully unaware of other's internal issues. This seems to be true in your case as well, as people are inquiring after you. From the few times I've communicated with you, you seem to be a very sociable and likable person. As soon as you jump in, people will happily send you ideas. I know is really stinks to wait, but don't worry about your chances. I'm positive that people are waiting to set you up. As always, I apologize if I made any incorrect assumptions. But from the little bit I know, I believe the above-stated to be true.

hashemyeracheim613 wrote on 21 Feb 2022 02:28:

Thanks so so much for this, it really helps immensely to hear from someone who’s a few steps ahead of where I am now.
I gained a lot from our shmuzin and hopefully could speak more often.
Im glad to see you’re doing well, I keep track of your thread.
And it means a lot to have you keeping track of mine.

Thank you so much to my good friends Imamate, LionKing, and 5stsov68926) or however your name is pronounced for your comments. It really means a lot to have your support.

Emotional illness is tough because unlike physical illness, there is no outpouring of support and interest, due to the privacy and sensitivity involved. Shabbatons, gifts, chol hamoed trips, spending money, support groups, chessed volunteers etc. are all almost completely absent when a guy is suffering emotionally. That's why it is beautiful that at least you can post here and share some deep feelings and receive some chizuk. Even just sharing your discomfort when someone asks about shidduchim is great - you can get it off your chest - and at the same time see that other intelligent people agree with you! Someone actually tried to make a frum forum system - similar to GYE - for anxiety, depression, etc. but unfortunately it seems to have not "taken off". So, Yeshiva Guy keep posting, and receive some of the validation, chizuk, and care that will iyh be beneficial for you.

Did some work on a laptop with a filter but not perfect. Now have taiva to see something quick then masterbate.
For the last 3 months or so I would do it without thinking twice, but I committed to you guys that I’m back in the game so I won’t.
Also, if I’m taking this time to grow heal in mental health I’m gonna try healing spiritually too.

Gonna shower, put on tefilin and maybe work out a bit.
5 Days clean.

YeshivaGuy

Thank you, YG - you're awesome! And always a breath of fresh - raw and genuine - air.

6 days clean.
Have my first chavrusa in probably 4 months in a few min. Nervous and not down to learn but gonna do it.
Gonna be clean tonight too.

Take care,

YeahivaGuy

Ok guys, I did it.
I learnt with a friend on the phone for 45 min and it was very enjoyable.
Hashem opened up my mind and I started having tons of haaros, great kashyos being mechaven to רע״א etc.
I haven’t experienced such a thing in at least 4 months.
I just can’t explain it, the pleasure, like honey dripping from my lips.
I forgot all about it and didn’t understand why I had been so infatuated with it.

Its emotional to see how even after running away from Hashem and His Torah for so long, the moment I’ve returned I’ve been welcome with open arms by Hashem Yisborach.

This gives me hope. That Hashem, after everything, placed his ratzon in my mind and dwelled upon me.
This gives me hope for a bright future ahead, Gd willing.

Very big taiva now to masterbate.
Hopefully I can hold back and fall asleep.

This has happened to me several times on my journey. See my thread Day 120, for example. It may be EXTREMELY hard to hold yourself back, but you have it in you to even if it takes every fiber of your strength.
At some point on my journey, I began working on trying to enjoy the physical discomfort of staying clean instead of hating it and wanting to "get the deed over with already because it's going to happen anyway" (which, by the way, is not true; it does not have to happen anyway and it is not an inevitability, but different conversation), just like I enjoy the feeling of pushing myself at the gym to my limit even though it's actually painful. You feel geshmak when you are schvitzing at the gym, and you can feel geshmak in the midst of the pain of not masturbating, too, I have found. This mindset helps a lot in all areas of avodas Hashem, but especially in this area. Working on adopting a mindset over time in which you come to enjoy the pain associated with doing what's right (i.e., not masturbating) might help you, too. Stay strong!

YeshivaGuy wrote on 22 Feb 2022 06:42:

Held Bach bh. And had the most beautiful dream of me learning a Tosfos…