You write beautifully tzaddik. I hope your ability to express yourself so poetically and articulately relieves some of the pain. May Hashem grant you menuchas hanefesh. May you greet a glorious sunrise of a day full of hope promise and salvation.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 28 Nov 2021 09:28:

I feel your pain, and yes, you write well. Though I can't speak to the other pain in your life you often refer to, in regards to the tumas keri that has "drowned you" perhaps there's another perspective. Shlomo Hamelech describes Klal Yisroel's plea when they are accused of being sinful as אל תראוני שאני שחרחורת ששזפתני השמש - our חטאים are a mere suntan - and by standing in the shade we return to our essence - our white, clean selves. So, perhaps, there are layers of Tumas Keri, but underneath it all is a purity that we've all seen in your incredible holy fight. And when you step out into the shade (as you have) then your strength, confidence and purity can be seen more clearly. But it is there, and it is you, regardless. 
So, besides for greeting the sunrise as HHM wished you, may you merit to stand in the shade, so you can see your true self, as well.
Hatzlocha!

Hang in there!
B"H it's Chanukah where those who are "Temeim Beyad" become "Tehorim." And those who became "Reshaim Beyad" become "Tzadikim."
 Stare into the light of the menorah because even a little bit of light can be docheh harbei choshech. 
A Freilichin Chanukah!

omekhadavar wrote on 29 Nov 2021 04:39:

I don't think it's fair to call someone a temei byad or rosho byad

Striving Avreich wrote on 29 Nov 2021 09:48:

it feels much better to be called hero and tzaddik.

Trouble wrote on 29 Nov 2021 13:56:

I'm not saying he's either. I'm just saying lets not pass judgment. Would it be ok to call an autistic person who is mechalel Shabbos a mumer? I'm not advocating for saying we're all not responsible and it's totally but at the same time doesn't mean we have to call people reshoim or temei'im

omekhadavar wrote on 29 Nov 2021 04:39:

Thank you.
The struggle though is, that there is a part of myself that harbors great disdain for these “tzadikim,” and wants to stay very far away from them and what they represent.
A large part of myself wants the harbei choshech to be docheh any last remnant of אור, and leave me to a life estranged from the creator.
And this real part of myself is disgusted by chanuka and can barely lay its eyes on the neiros for an instant.

Good thing I’m going to therapy tomorrow

YeshivaGuy wrote on 30 Nov 2021 04:47:

@yeshivaguy The following thought came up for me reading your post. I don't know if you will find it useful, but in case it might... here goes:

When I focus to much on this struggle and then fail, it can make me feel like Yiddishkeit, or the "tzadikim" are oppressing and depressing me... Then I become bitter towards it all. 

At those times I remind myself that there is no mitzvah in the Torah to count days, (could be a good tool of course) and that yiddishkeit is about more than not masturbating. Basically sometimes if I focus too much on this I can get a very narrow perspective. 

Ok, I fear this may be totally irrelevant lol, so my apologies if it is. I just didn't want to refrain in case it might be somewhat useful.

Ihavestrength wrote on 01 Dec 2021 04:05:

Thank you for reaching out and offering those divrei chizuk.
My issue though is quite unrelated to mitzvos and aveiros.
My emotions are due to a deep trauma which I won’t discuss in this manner.
Not much more to say.
This isn’t a forum to be venting about things outside of inyanei kedusha.
Thank you and all of u for being there for me.

Ps. Was at sheva brachos of a cousin. Met a cousin I didn’t know I had and really attracted to her… I refrained from asking a girl for her number… not discussing further and my deep emotional pain causes me to blow everything up to make it a big deal, I realized that and that this wouldn’t fill the deep void within me.
Even now lying in bed, I’m just thinking about her smile- so vibrant and full of life, and those thoughtful eyes.
Also I saw her hug two people and it was such a warm loving hug, oy I’m so broken…

Delayed therapy, going in the morning.
Daven please that I have a refua shelaima. That I be set free.

Gut Chanuka

Therapy was good.
The entire day, including now, my chests has been killing like crazy from subconscious anxiety.
Feels like I’m perpetually drowning…

Tonight at dinner, my mother nonchalantly brought up something very private/emotionally charged in front of others.
Pissed me off. Especially cuz she’s clueless (really trying hard to not curse, holding back a lot).
Just so painful..

My therapist taanas that it’s worthwhile to deal with these problems, though a part of me feels like it’s a waist of time and I should just ignore emotions and learn etc, though lmaaseh I can’t cuz I’ve become disfunctional.

Anyway, hope to resume going to the gym in the morning. Should be good.
I really hope HaShem sees the tears that all my pain holds me back from shedding.

Gn

Alive.
Almost went on a porn site. It’s pain/anxiety that brought me there, not even taiva…

Anyway, have good Shabbos,
YeshivaGuy

YeshivaGuy wrote on 10 Dec 2021 07:22:

One could argue that inner pain and anxiety is always what drives people to the reality escape of pornography, fantasy and the release pleasure of masturbation - regardless of whether it's a subtle pain or a stronger, more obvious one. 
Either way, congrats on making it through!
Have a restful, enjoyable Shabbos!

I’d disagree.
There is something called taiva.
Though you are correct that it’s often the case.
And some people are clueless…

You're right. The "always" in my post is incorrect. Thanks.

Doing ok.
Hatzlocha