בס"ד

Hi all.

I've once before made a thread about who I am and how I'm struggling with shemiras einayim. But due to my constant leaving to go to yeshiva every zman, I've been very much inactive on this site. Even now, in the corona period, I haven't been on, as I thought since its really summer zman I was safe from the yetzer. Almost like I had a mental block - if I thought about shmutz I would say 'I'm in yeshiva, no way!' The yetzer hara totally left me alone from the start of zman until now. But over the last few days he's back same as ever, and I finally fell yesterday and today in the middle of zman. 

That's why I'm writing in the introduce yourself section. i want this to be a new start, a new realization that I need to guard myself at all times, no matter what. I feel I should make more use of the wonderful kiddush Hashem that we call gye, to update everyday, to try and keep me from falling anymore. Any support, ideas or encouragement from people would be incredibly helpful.

My issue at the minute is that I almost don't care anymore. I so want to be good, but I feel like I've almost lost the will to fight. Like it doesn't matter if I fall one more time, I'll change the time after. I know its foolish, and I hope my constant updates to this site will refill me with a desire to do the right thing, to be close to Hashem the way I truly want.

Thanks to everyone in this community, and may we fight together to bring nachas ruach to Hashem the way we should.

Hi, I commend you on your resolve to get a grip on your self and stop the problem before it gets worse. I'm new to gye and exactly 30 days ago started my 90 day journey together with the help of the tafshik program. Im still looking for a partner to keep In touch with every couple of days to be mechazik each other through this difficult struggle. If you or anyone reading sees this please be in contact 90days@gmail.com. Thanks and hatzlocha 

Thank you so much for your support. As for the chizuk, have you considered joining the partner program? It may be able to match you up with someone with a similar background/age to you, so you can work better together. Let me know what you think.

Hey there Im Tivakshena! 

I feel your pain and struggle because we've all been in similar situations where we thought ourselves impervious to sin and on a higher  level. I remember vividly many years ago how my rebbi made a deal with me to tell him the next time I fall in a certain area, this was a few days before rosh hashanah. I remember how good it felt that its elul and I had the longest streak I can remember (3 days) and I felt amazing when rosh hashanah started on the fourth day. I mean who sins ON rosh hashanah?!? Can you imagine how I felt when in between shacharis and mussaf I fell? Is there more of a horrible feeling than starting shemona esrei on rosh hashanah feeling like your tainted, nay, entrenched in tumah? Oh yeah, also I had to tell my rebbe...boy was he VISIBLY disappointed!

So my point is that we are NEVER in a situation where we can feel comfortable and above falling into our old habits. And what happened to you does not mean you are a terrible person. Just that you have to change your mindset and plan according to the fact that you're always in a minefield. 

Secondly regarding the fact that you say you have almost no will to fight. I hear you. But I think it comes from a little bit of radicalism. Meaning you feel either I'm bad or good. So if I'm bad let me just continue being bad and eventually I'll switch back to good. But that thinking is a mistake. You are always good! So when you have a fall it doesn't change you into a new universe of one category of failure...so you cant say let me just continue to hang here and I'll catch a flight out tomorrow...because you are still the same amazing you- the same one who triumphed yesterday, you are still in the awesome category so dust yourself off and get back on your horse! You must view every sin for what it is and not blend them all together as "I'm in failure mode- it's all the same one sin streak "! Just because you sinned now by starting to view an inappropriate movie doesn't mean you can finish it under the guise of "I already failed " every second is another battle and If you stop now you didn't only fall you also immediately won. Remember you can lose a battle but still win the war! 

Now a method you can use psychologically to feel like you broke a losing streak is to find something to do after a fall that says to you "I just started a new chapter". It should say to you today is a new day. Kinda like you feel in the morning when it's a fresh start and the day befores failure doesn't make you feel as hopeless. For example a shower. Or learn mussar for 5 minutes. Or anything that makes you feel that if you fall again it isn't a continuation of the original sin but a brand new lost battle. Hope this helps you. I found it extremely helpful.

                                 Grant

Im Tevakshena Kakasef wrote on 08 Jul 2020 10:35:

Hi! I would like to point out that your goal is not to conquer a life-long yetzer hora in one day! Simply putting up a fight is a tremendous accomplishment, and skipping this time, or even delaying it a little bit, is still worthwhile. Even if you ultimately do it, there is still value and tremendous sechar for every second you are able to be omeid b’nisayon.

Please read this book https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation

Thank you so much for taking the time to give me chizuk, and helpful tips and techniques.

It so true what you say, often I'll feel 'I've already failed today, so lets just write today off and try again tomorrow.' Its ironic, even if the second impulse is much less than the first, and I never would have fallen in the first place had I had that impulse originally, I can still fall again. 

Its a good idea what you say, have a shower, dust myself off and say, 'right, new start.' Bli neder I'll have to try and implement it in some form.

Thank you again. May Hashem grant you much siyatta dishmaya in your mission. 

Thank you for the chizuk.

A while ago I wanted to give that book a read, but then forgot about it. Recently i saw you posted to someone to try and read it, which reminded me to try and read it myself. I'm finding it engaging and useful. Thank you for the advice.

Oy Vey.

Last few days have not been the new start I was hoping for. Falling again and again. I've not been true to going on this site every day, the yetzer makes me fall first thing in the morning.

On wards. I'm going to bli neder access this site after davening every morning. And I'll also update every evening. With Hashem's help I'll hold off falling. I'm aiming for 3 days, then make it 7 etc. 

May Hashem help us all.

This is such a chizuk for me.

I actually just looked at my 90 day chart. If I start today, it ends on Shemini Atzeres. The day of yichud with Hashem. I hope and pray when I dance with the sefer torah on simchas torah I'll be 90 days clean.

Just my daily morning update, doing o.k. so far

Thanx for sharing! I am mechuzak! Sometimes, when fighting to be good in these areas I feel like I'm going to war. So knowing that I have people like you on GYE in my platoon guarding my six -makes me feel safer and stronger. "Ish es rayahu yaazoru uliachiv yomar chazak"! 

Hi Grant,

Its good to know someone is reading my posts, and fighting the same fight. Its such a relief to have you by my side in this war. Thanks so much for the chizuk.

Baruch Hashem, I stayed clean today! Lets try and keep this up...

Awesome! Today is day 2 in my new battle so we are sorta on the same page. If you can do it then so could I! Keep up the good work and keep inspiring me!

                   With love,
                           Grant 

Remember how empty you feel after a fall.
And remember how positive it feels when you are clean.