wilnevergiveup wrote on 30 Apr 2020 05:44:
Wow! What a post!
I am really sorry that you have not found your match yet. With G-D's help may you find your natch soon.
Just to set the record straight (and I think this is unanimous) marriage is not the answer, not even close.
It is true that struggling to find your match and living alone can cause stress/loneliness which can be an underlying factor but it is important to to some deep searching (perhaps with the help of a therapist in some cases) to figure out what is really bothering us.
The only thing marriage does is gives you the fear of your wife finding out. Once she does or the desire surpasses the fear, all the gates are open once more.
For most of us who have watched porn/used porn, our minds are so twisted from reality that when we get married our wives could't dream of living up to our expectations. We then turn back to porn and masterbation because we were "let down" by our wives. This is the tragic reality and I fear that unless we learn to treasure relationships with real people (parents, siblings, friends, etc.) as training grounds for our marriage before our marriage, we have to learn the hard way after.
Marriage is not about fulfilling our desires, it's about creating a real everlasting relationship with your spouse, sacrificing for her and giving without expecting anything in return.
Healthy relationships before marriage are really important in this struggle as well as for marriage.
I am not saying this is the same for everyone but (for me at least) learning to sacrifice (still a work in progress) is the only real hope.
Working on healthy relationships outside marriage (parents, siblings, relatives, friends, etc.) can do wonders. Not saying it fixes the problem but it helps with some of the underlying issues.
The frum dating system is definitely flawed but it seems like it's the best we've got.
I feel terrible that our system failed you so far, may you find your zivug bikarov and wishing you much hatzlachah on your journey.
Hi Thank you for your comments.
As I have indicated that what I'm saying is not the solution for everybody, but for those that have similar concerns and issues such as been single, not been able to channel the sexual desires that one has in a productive and normal way, that is with a wife.
I think that there is a misconception that we all have. We tend to believe that we watch porn and masturbate because there is something inherently wrong with us and that needs therapy. I have explained that there is nothing wrong with us. The body at a certain age awakens and it has its desires, exactly the same way one has a desire to eat and drink. These are called bodily desires or needs. So we don't masturbate because there is something wrong with us, we do it because we have a certain bodily desire that needs to be tended to.
The premise is that this is a terrible addiction that needs a cure. Its not an addiction. Unless one wants to suggest the ludicrous notion that eating and drinking 3 times a day is an addiction. If its not an addiction then what it is?
Simply put, no one has asked this when they were born. It is something that is inherent within us human beings. When one does not have an outlet of how to express these great bodily and emotional needs of sexuality then they turn to porn and masturbation in order to release the tension and urge. It is not done with the thought of angering God. No one religious sits next to a computer and says to God: 'You know what? I am going to watch porn and masturbate because I want to make you angry'. This never happens with normative orthodox individuals.
So why are we doing it? because we are single, and when you're single you don't have anyone to share your sexuality with. This in turn turns into loneliness, frustration, bitterness and anger, all the ingredients that culminate with the end result of porn and masturbation.
One may ask then why those who are married still watch porn and masturbate? there can be many factors. I personally believe that the current Jewish lifestyle is engulfed with extreme stress and many expectations. The regular orthodox family produces between 5 to 10 children on average. Many of these young couples are not able to cope with the hardships of running such a costly and daunting project, the modern day Jewish household.
They are not happy with their lot. They want to be more stringent Beth Hillel and Beth Shamai who both say depending on their opinion that a man has done his duty in performing the commandment of been fruitful by producing a boy and a girl (Hillel) or 2 boys and 2 girls (Shami) we Pasken according to Hillel. At any rate, these young couples generically and specifically create unnecessary burdens and difficulties for themselves. The wife is constantly tending the children, she really has no time for herself, to take care of herself and be presentable to the husband. many at times a husband comes home and all he sees is a gigantic mess of youngsters turning the entire house around while the mother is so tired and broken up by the end of the day, it is any wonder that she has any more strength left to create spark for her husband?
Then you have the man, the husband, who comes home from work, or from Kollel. Beaten down by the many tasks and duties that he has generically introduced himself to. Besides getting up in the morning to go to Shul, he has to run to the grocery, buy baby food, diapers, and million other things, he goes to work tired, comes tired, and he too does not look as the sexiest man alive that's an understatement.
Todays young Jewish adults, are trained to live a certain lifestyle that is out of touch with reality. Our Sages of antiquity certainly didn't have this kind of life style that saps the energy out of the couple. A young couple of 5 to 10 children are behaving like grandparents by their mid 30's.
With all this stress, duties, and endless errands, is it any wonder, that the couple is left with a very little room just for themselves? Couples believe that they get married and that's it, they believe that marriage shouldn't be nurtured. The truth is, that the couple has to be ready and willing to excite each other and make themselves rejuvenate as frequently as possible.
When the wife has that time of the month, the couple has to have strong, deep and meaningful conversations, of how much they care about each other, ho much they love each other. When was the last time any married couple had looked each other in the eyes and told them how much they love each other? and how much they mean to each other and that they couldn't imagine themselves without them? Probably next to nothing.
Is it then any wonder, why the couple though seem physically close under the same roof, to be instead emotionally detached. When there is no connection and real meaningful relationship that is the root of all the problems, and then comes the snake waiting on the sidelines holding porn on the one hand and masturbation on the other. Two worthless and meaningless pursuits to forget about the pain of disconnection and lonliness.
I believe that couples suppose to set normal and achievable goals for themselves. Do what you can, enough with the so called 'Mesirut Nefesh' that has caused you your marriage, your sex life, and caused you to be come a burden on everyone you know.
It is important to be happy with your lot. Bring as many children to the world that you know you can handle both financially and emotionally. So that you may have time to spend with your spouse.
So I would say that a lot of this has to do with the lifestyle.
To conclude my solution for single man is: A wife.
The solution for married man is : To appreciate the gift that God has bestowed upon you, make your lifestyle the style that you can really carry so you won't break down under the load. And most importantly, both the husband and the wife should be madly in love with each other. You want to hear what is real love? how about taking a look at Shir Hashirim.
The underlining thing for both of this solutions is to stop thinking that there is something wrong with you and that you are crazy or addicted. Its absolutely not that. As I have indicated, the problems are not too complicated. Some in the powers to be would make you think that they are complicated they are not. Instead of pushing a wagon up the mountain with an old donkey that is ready to expire, you should get off that band wagon, be a man and start climbing the mountain all by yourself and let go of that band wagon of nonsensical thinking, worthless lifestyle of unachievable expectations and dreams of rewards in the world to come for your 'מסירות נפש'. Don't think about living in hell now and getting heaven later.
I have a better solution: How about living in Gan Eden right now and also working on getting a gan eden later on?
Why one thinks that he needs to live in Gehenom in order to merit Gan eden?
This false equation needs to be destroyed.
God wants us all to be happy and its time that we all try to make our lives better. Counting days and nights of how many times you have not watched porn and masturbated will get us nowhere. What we need is a spiritual and physical awakening that clears our minds to let us see what are the true causes of our problems.
Regards,
Beautiful just to reconfirm if you want a meaningful relationship with your wife then its impossible with the 'snake' as well. If you can do this before marriage then you will be making married life A LOT easier you will build yourself up as a true yeras shamayim and when tou go out on a shidduch you will be able to analyze the true neshama infront of you. If your married then it will take time giving up on the snake .... a year atleast until you see some sort of result but you will feel great that your not a slave to lust and your marriage will only get stronger. Dont give in to social pressure and do whats good for you (with the advise of a Rabbi of course)
the grass is never greener on the other side... its only the snake trying to make you sad to fall to his 'tests' .We are temporary we wont live forever we might even come back (hopefilly not) surely we would want to live better lives the next time? So lets do the right thing now!!! It starts now!! The days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months and the months turn to years!! Yes it can be done and you CAN live a lust free life.
I am sorry i may have gone off topic but finally what about young couples and pressure learning in kollel and the wife working? What about Rebbes advising girls that guys should be learning atleast 5 years after marriage? This is society same thing how society looks at where you live and what car you drive and you are judged by how much money you have.
Seems like there was some nice discussion going on.