Ok here goes.
been lounging around GYE for a few weeks but still feeling too vulnerable to actually open up about my life
a few days ago after a series of bad days i b"h plucked up the courage and...

Day 1: Thursday
Logged in.
The usual looking around, catching up etc.
Logged out.
Plucked up the courage.
Now I WILL do it.
Pressed 'new topic'
Went back to 'Forum home', after all I've gotta see how others introduce themselves...
Did quite a bit of 'training'.
Getting late but tomorrow I know exactly how it's done.
Logged out (you can call it cold feet:pensive:)

Day 2: Friday
​Had quite a good raise in spirits after yesterdays 'achievements'
Maybe I'll just leave it for tomorrow...
I do need to open up though and really join the family in order to get sober.
Tomorrow. Really do have a busy day.
Yesterdays momentum may not last too long.
Logged in.
Just looked around for more chizzuk.
Should I?
Maybe some more 'training' first?
Logged out.

Day 3: Shabbos
Had a fall
Which leads me to:

Day 4: Sunday
Was home pretty much all day with my wife and kids, didn't think much about my (hopefully) upcoming thread and subsequent serious involvement in GYE.
            sorry.

Day 5: Monday
Logged in.
I can't exactly start before I get some kind of recuperation from my fall.
Lounged around (wasn't really in the mood of getting into full steam recovery mode and wasn't in immediate danger of slipping then).
Noticed that GYE members always inspire me.
I really have to join the crew.Logged out

Day 6: Tuesday
Was feeling very horny. Early morning.
No chance I can post like this. Even if I manage not to m********** now.
Let's first update my 90 day chart. Maybe ticking that I'm still clean and seeing the 'WOW, you've reached level 2' chizzuk email will help.
Logged in.
Saw a new topic which I could not help but write in to.

I guess my first post was practically done for me, I had almost no control of what just happened.
May as well just cancel this post; I'm in.
So this is me.
I will soon be sober and don't need you anymore will be helping others attain perfection
Do hope to write more about myself and feel y'all backing me:punch:

Welcome!
What's the plan?

You mentioned feeling aroused (you used a different word).
For me, this is the core of sobriety -- not getting aroused.
This is the thing we are addicted to.
Not P or M. 
Arousal. 
P is a way to obtain high doses of the drug.
M is the inevitable release of the illicit tension.

For me, avoiding arousal means not looking at women or indulging in the thoughts.  While not at all easy, it makes the rest of the struggle much more do-able.

Have a great, clean day!
Alex

That is a very good point.
The problem is really that feeling down makes my mind wild. Kind of like a feeling that i'm in control of something. Although that makes no sense because I can't control my own mind and body....
This morning I was feeling a bit down because I woke up later than I had wanted to. Not something that generally causes bad thoughts and got out of bed immediately which also is a good move to keep safe. So I really don't know what caused it today. I guess it was just siyatta dishmaya to log in...
b"h the temptation left quickly.
Still clean. Level 2

Great job starting your own thread! Keep on posting.

For me the forum is the single most helpful thing on GYE.

Keep on working, and never give up. If something isn't working for you try something else. Look through the various threads and see what talks to you, something that works for someone else may not work for you and vice versa.
May you have much hatzlachah on your journey.

starting wrote on 28 Apr 2020 15:58:

When I was acting out, and I know this is true for many addicts of all sorts, any excuse would do.  Being tired, bored, stressed, angry, frustrated, feeling sorry for myself, lonely, unappreciated, etc.  As an addict, these feelings are welcome, because they provide an excuse to take my drug.

Although I am new here I totally get that the forum makes it happen. It feels so real. Real people are sharing situations that totally resonate with me and being so open with very raw emotions and struggles.... And often, victory. 
But as you and like we see by ourselves and by others writing here, it takes work. A lot of hard work. 
Hatzlocha to all

AlexEliezer wrote on 28 Apr 2020 18:17:

Now that I think about it I see how true that is unfortunately. I can't just say OK I'm feeling low etc which is just a general term, there is some feeling which has to be pinpointed here. Why was I in a good mood a few minutes ago while I was occupied? Evidently it's just boredom creeping in here or something.
So I've got what to think about 
Thanks

I love the 6 day saga! at the end, you said, "soon you'll be sober".

Are you sober now?

Hi Singularity
I hate to think differently than you seeing as you are so inspiring with treasures practically everywhere on this forum but personally, I would have loved to be able to do this as a 10 minute saga-perhaps that could have help prevent the shabbos fall

You made me notice that my using the word sober was not quite accurately describing my thoughts. Yes I am up to day 4 now b"h but my hope and dream that I was refering to is to stop being addicted. if possible.
As of now, and probably for the next couple of years I am happy to be a sober addict. Sober every day but not really doing it as a lifelong string of sobriety but rather as 'one clean day'. and again 'one clean day'. Iy"h I"ll soon say it as 'one clean week' followed by another 'one clean week'.
I've been addicted long enough to see that a lifelong commitment loses momentum very fast.

To all newcomers, old timers and all who are not confident enough to post yet:
UPDATE:

Day 7: Wednesday
It's been about 24 hours since my first post and I feel like i am now sober for life I have no idea why I was stupid enough to procrastinate for so long.
This is now my tenth post (I guess I get addicted to everything) and still nothing happened. No one worked out who I am. No one asked anything too personal. All I got were words of encouragement, thank yous and the feeling that now I really am ready to fight my addiction. To start having control over my mind and body.
Oh, and I get this feeling that I have been welcomed to the club. As in like people are understanding and caring. Being in good spirits is perhaps the best distraction from the yetzer hora (at least for me).

Start your own thread now.
Join the club. (Yeah I know I'm saying this as the newest member but I get this feeling that I speak on behalf of many)

Can't wait to meet you
Star ting

starting wrote on 29 Apr 2020 10:37:

My goal has never been so ambitious.
One clean day is all I can strive for.
And sometimes, when caught off guard by temptation, staying clean right now is all I can commit to.  I'm going to move on. Distract myself and let this pass. I'll deal with later later.

@starting thank you so much for saying that!!!
I also chickened out a few times, and when I finally posted and started a thread I literally read over what I said many times to make sure theres no way I can be identified, and to see if what I said was substantive. Everyone else on the forum posts with thought, experience and wisdom, and I feel that I had to "look good".
The most important thing I realized about the forum is that I post for myself. For my growth. Yes, maybe it will even help others.( I found that giving chizzuk to others gives me chizzuk!)
Posting gives a sense of accountability, and makes me think about my fight.
it has helped so much. so much.
Maybe because its super scary.
Maybe even start with just a thank you to a post you appreciated. Or at least think about doing it
@ starting thank you!

Thank you ALEL for validating my feelings. 
I actually wrote a post in 'help me sharemystory' in which I wrote about a day last week where I rewarded myself twice in one day. (I then stayed clean for a few days, possibly thanks to my acknowledging that every day is a complete struggle and every battle deserves a reward).
So yes it's all about the now for me. 
When I wrote about counting by the weeks I was talking about a distant dream. Right now it's one day and sometimes just this minute.

FINAL UPDATE
Day 9:

Many people have seen my posts. Many have taken the time to reply and have written some very valuable treasures. 
Looking back at what I've written over the past couple of days I see feedback which is so positive, so encouraging that I feel like I have real partners in this struggle, something so encouraging and validating that I am getting a tremendous boost to be clean through yet another nisayon andthat is something I did not get to this extent by just reading threads without actively participating in the forum. 

And through it all, I am still anonymous. 
Totally anonymous. 

I have written 15 posts and now feel totally comfortable doing so. I don't know if I have been of help to anyone other than myself. Maybe I have. I don't know. But that's fine. Because I'm a selfish kind of guy. I am here for myself and I am gaining tremendously. 

No I'm not 'still on a high' as I mentioned earlier although having my journey followed does help me stay clean which puts me in a different kind of 'being high'.
I am actually writing now to make a point of how posting helps and I would like to express my gratefulness to gye in general and the amazing team for giving us this platform and to all the beloved users who encourage me and inspire me with or without realising it. 

That said, I now feel like posting is part of what I do (for myself if not for others) and will probably not update my journey to becoming active here. 

P. S. I know I skipped day 8 but my wife came in to the room when I was going to post and if there's one person who can not find out, it's her. I'll stick to being anonymous 

Has quite a hard day yesterday. I believe my being clean now is thanks to the forum. Love y'all.
On to day 7.
I have not had a full week clean for a long time, wasn't actively counting until recently but definitely a many months. 

I know this is not the way I usually look at it but rather one day at a time, I can't help but be proud. Thank you HaShem.