Hi everyone,

I'm no newcomer to GYE. In fact I was a very active member here a few years ago (under a very different username) and I used to spend many many many hours on the forum. I have fond memories of digging up ancient GYE posts at 3am and reading fascinating forum topics stretching for 100+ pages....

​I was also active on the chat and met really great people who I eventually went on to be on contact with on WhatsApp (before it was popular) and eventually spoke to some on the phone.

I was zoiche to be in touch with truly old timer GYEs who were around from when the website was still called GUE. I believe some are still on here today.

A few years ago I dropped off GYE. (Ok, probably less drastic than I think )

So why am I back tonight? I hear you ask

Or, maybe you are asking why did I leave?

Let's answer that one first. Eventually after years of trying here I realised that I am going to need more real help because I was not having success with GYE alone. Things just weren't working out despite really really trying. I was rarely if ever 'clean' for a week and those few days of fighting were followed by binges. The time when I was clean was a torturous time of whiteknuckling and fighting. I was also deteriorating in other areas of my life and generally things were getting worse, not better. This is not to say I believe GYE is to blame or GYE does not work etc etc - for the non addict there are an abundance of tools here and alot of people here are having clear success, staying sober, improving their marriages, growing religiously, spiritually etc. For me crucially, GYE got the wheels of recovery slowly turning. However, I personally needed a stronger dose of recovery beyond the virtual world here.

I went to live meetings of a 12 step fellowship that deals with addiction to lust. Alas, I am not sober from the day I walked in there and have had multiple relapses but I am experiencing inner growth that I never realised before and my periods of sobriety grew from an average of a few days to a few months plus. The sobriety itself has also been much progressively of much higher quality and generally the obsession has been relatively less present. I'm undoubtedly a different (for the good mostly) person than I was a few years ago. Today at least I am feeling generally hopeful about the future. And thank God there is a long way to go as well.

So now to answer the first question. Why am I back on GYE?

Recently I completed the 12 steps for the first time and today, just over a month sober I need YOUR help:

A crucial part of me working the steps (and thus standing a chance of sobriety and recovery) is carrying the message by sharing my story. Trust me, that is not at all in my nature but....basically, I'm looking for anyone, literally anyone on this forum - Jew, non jew, sober, not sober, single/married, young, old, chassidish,litvish, whatever, religious, irelligous, conservative, democrat, black, white, other, newcomer, oldtimer. Literally anyone who may be interested to lend me your ear and let me share - what happened to me and what things are like today. Maybe you will relate or maybe you won't. Maybe it will help you or maybe it won't. Either way I'll try be honest and by letting me share maybe I will stay sober just one more day

If you would like to speak, send me a private message and we"ll be in touch (I hope that doesn't sound too creepy lol)

Welcome back, whoever you are (were)

Sounds like me! But you can't be me because I am still posting! Unless I am two people. Either way, smash us with your ESH!!!!

Hi SMS
Would love to hear more especially seeing as you have managed to do what we all wish for-to be a better person than in the past. KUTGW

Just to clarify one point. You say that you were 'rarely if ever 'clean' for a week' in a pretty demeaning way. WHY?????
I am so grateful to HaShem for getting me through to my 3 days consecutively! I really consider it an incredible accomplishment! As you your self pointed out 'The time when I was clean was a torturous time of whiteknuckling and fighting'

I'm not sure how it worked back in the GUE times but now we are very much seeing a method of fighting for today.
When I update my 90 day chart which I started a few weeks ago, no matter if I'm clean or not, I see the accumulated 25 days, 30 days and I'm proud. Proud. Even though it says clearly above that
'current streak-0 days'

P.S. I found your drive to stay sober really inspiring, please keep us updated

Welcome back

Hi!
I believe you were not around 'way back then' when I was so nice to meet you

I want to relate to what you said purely through my experience without implying that your experience is/was/ or will be the same:

I spent many years going through the cycle I described, from early teenage years. I would struggle to be clean for a few days. After 3 or 4 days and ever so occasionally after a week I would collapse. I would go on a binge that would last till the early hours of the morning, sometimes continuing the next day.

As an addict I was almost never the type who could watch porn for 5 minutes, masturbate and get on with my day. I can't remember this ever happening. For me each time I gave into lust (and as I would later learn it's a power greater than me) I would be swallowed into a obsessive pursuit that would take me further than I wanted. This is not to say everyone is like that.

At first it was as you described, easy to rebound from these falls, pull myself together, get inspired, get some chizuk and be on my merry way back to day 1.

However, as time goes on it got harder to 'keep on trucking' (do they still say that here even???) after a fall. Things got darker and the inspiration and wishful thinking that once worked no longer were helping me.

Things got alot worse along the way and that's for another time to elaborate on.

So yes, every day of sobriety is precious. But looking back, and having built up longer periods of sobriety I can say one thing with certainty: in that ongoing binge, remorse, inspire, absolve, retry once again cycle my growth as a human being was stunted. My ability to develop at many levels was almost non existent because I was stuck in a constant cycle of withdrawal, flooding my psyche with the drug of lust and fogging my brain, numbing out whatever little emotional capacity I did have. The few days after the binge were not truly living. Living in constant inspiration, withdrawal and struggle is not life.

I don't mean to detract from the value of any day amount of sober days. My point is that eventually the cycle became for me very painful and things became more unmanageable.

Oh I messed up the reply button - the above is supposed to be a reply to starting's post

As you say, my story is quite different but there is that pain, that feeling of hopelessness, the realisation that I need help. I cannot do it myself.
So yes, for me, one day sober is a reason to celebrate, to be proud and thankful. 
But from your first post it sounds like at this stage, after being clean for x days, if is a challenge to 'keep trucking' so I think that now, every day is a milestone. 

So to be clear I totally agree with your most recent post and a lot of what you say resonates. Regarding getting up quickly, I may have it easier because I just joined gye recently and I'm still feeling the initial relief of having others with me and being part of such a special group 

starting wrote on 28 Apr 2020 12:59:

Good morning! Love your enthusiasm @Starting
You make a very good point that every/any moment we are clean and have given into our Yetzer Hara is a win and im sure we will get great sechar for it. However, let us remember that without progressive growth we are not getting better... In order to GROW and and solidify that growth the clean streaks need to grow and the falls happen less often... So in the big picture REAL sobriety can only be if its continuous...

Hatzlacha

Shmuel I am jealous of you
I yearn for the day that I reach will the stage of being able to focus on growing rather than just not falling. Unfortunately, 'old habits die hard'. I feel that I need to appreciate my efforts and reward myself a lot. At least with a pat on the back. One day last week I rewarded myself after a nisayon of several hours. The second reward of the day. Just to let you in a bit on where I am up to. I wrote today on my thread 'How to write your first post in 6 days​':
"As of now, and probably for the next couple of years I am happy to be a sober addict. Sober every day but not really doing it as a lifelong string of sobriety but rather as 'one clean day'. and again 'one clean day'. Iy"h I"ll soon say it as 'one clean week' followed by another 'one clean week'.
I've been addicted long enough to see that a lifelong commitment loses momentum very fast."
You are quite right that perhaps my way seems more for beginners like myself and not necessarily for SMS. Let's hope that everyone finds the chizzuk that they need from wherever they can find it.