Hi, I'm a shidduch aged bochur addicted to porn. Recently I've looked into the 12 steps program, and have the following problems.
1. It seems that I'll have this struggle for the rest of my life and this is very disheartening.
2. I'm really embarrassed (and wary...) to reach out for advice and help, and also don't have money for therapists.
I would appreciate advice from others that went through a similar challenge and professionals. Thank you.

Hi gzit,
Welcome!
It's not easy to reach out for help on any level, so kudos to you for posting. May it be the first of many.

I'm not a professional by any stretch of the imagination, but as a single, probably of around the same age, I hope this helps a bit. If not, that's also ok.

1) Yeah its rough. No doubt about it. As times goes on I find it easier to deal with the urges, which come less frequently. They are also less overwhelming, simply because I know it's normal, and have some tools in my back pocket. That being said, it's not easy. Period.Over time I've realized how much better my life has become because of my progress, and how much happier I am. But yes, it's no walk in the park.

2) From what I understand, different levels of addiction require different plans of action. I don't know the first thing about it, but there are kind, sincere, and deeply experienced people on this site who are extremely helpful. Keeping your eyes on your private messages is a good idea.

It's not easy but it sure is worth it, and it sounds like you know you can do it, and are willing to put in the work!
Falls happen, but as you said, we are in it for the long game.

Keep it up my friend, and much continued hatzlacha.
Please keep us updated on your progress!

Best

gzlt wrote on 31 Mar 2020 03:35:

Hi
It seems that the "SMART Recovery" program might work better for you (VS the 12 steps).
"SMART Recovery" program does not label people as addicts and they have an exit strategy so you WILL NOT need to struggle for the rest of your life!

GYE is here to help you as a community of friends which have "been there, done that" ...

Please let me know if you need more information on the "SMART Recovery" program and I'll be happy to assist you.

Thank you for responding to my thread ''Am I gonna struggle for the rest of my life''. I am interested in knowing what the smart recovery program is, but didn't find anything about it on gye. Also I once spoke to someone from the gye staff who said that real change can only happen through 12 steps, where you actually reveal yourself to others, unlike all the chats on the website where it's code names. Also, is the SMART program approved by Rabbonim? Anyways I'll be glad for your insight, and thank you very much.

gzlt wrote on 31 Mar 2020 22:51:

GYE has a lot of info on the smart recovery program...

guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery

SMART Recovery and Torah
guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346782-SMART-Recovery-and-Torah

Here are the basics:

SMART Recovery (Self Management And Recovery Training) helps individuals gain independence from addiction

The 4-Point Program offers specific tools and techniques for each of the program points:

Point 1: Building and Maintaining Motivation

Point 2: Coping with Urges

Point 3: Managing Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviors

Point 4: Living a Balanced Life

STEP 1: "Stages of Change"
Understanding the Stages of Change, can help you understand yourself much better, and also help clarify what you should be focusing on.
We can be in one of 5 stages:

1. Precontemplation - You're not interested in changing. Your goal is to start considering change.
2. Contemplation - You're considering the change, but have mixed feelings. Your goal is to make a decision.
3. Preparation - You're making a personal realistic and acceptable plan. Your goal is to make a commitment to implement the plan.
4. Action - You're taking action to implement the plan, improving the plan with trial and error, dealing with slips and falls. Your goal is to apply the plan for 6 months and gain confidence that you can really do it.
5. Maintenance - You're sustaining your new behavior and working to prevent relapse. Your goal is to improve your lifestyle in a way that supports the change for the long term.

The next step is to start a "plan of action" by replying to these questions:

• The changes I want to make are:
• The most important reasons why I want to make these changes are:
• The steps I plan to take in changing are:
• The ways other people can help me are: (include the names of some people and the possible ways each one can help)
• I will know if my plan is working if:
• Some things that could interfere with my plan
• How important is it to me to make these changes? (1-10 scale)
• How confident am I that I can make these changes? (1-10 scale)

Then we'll start creating a plan for Urge Management, environment control, rewards etc