I started writing this a while ago, but then got busy. Writing doesn’t come easy for me, which is why I’m not active as much I would like to on here. I find talking much easier. Feel free  to reach out to me to chat. I want to give an update and then explain where psychedelics fit in to my story in a separate post.

Since I wrote that last post I remained on a high for several more months. Then just before Pesach I was in a car accident. I was physically unharmed, but my car was totaled. It also impacted me psychologically, causing me to very anxious when driving and too scared to drive on the highway. At the beginning of the summer I was zoche to have a daughter. Along with the joy of the birth of a child comes a lot of stress. On top of that the my wife being a nidah a long time post-birth didn’t help. I went through a few week period where I went back to lust. Ive been working very hard on shirmas anyim, but then started weakening. I ended up masturbating. I even ending up finding an old phone. Hashem was watching me and the phone was so old the worst stuff didn’t work. I ended up throwing out the phone. Then Tisha B’av came and davened at a shul with a Rav I find inspiring and a beautiful davening. Reconnecting to that set me back on the right path. That whole experience definitely was a yerida zerech aliyah. It showed me how important it for me to connect to ruchinus. B”H since they I’ve been doing well in areas of kedusha.

I wanted to discuss the role psychedelics fit in my recovery. I want to add a bit of warning, but I believe the benefits far out way the risk so I don’t want to be overly cautious. It important to be aware of the risk and limitations so you can take the necessary steps to mitigate them. I did several years of research before I even considered trying it. It took me a long time to find a guide and took me many months before I actually went ahead and starting working with him. A good mashul is psychedelics are a very strong light in a dark forest. Theres a danger if you look at the light the wrong way it can blind you so you need an experienced person to guide you how properly use the light without getting harm. Once you get pass that the bright light shows the path you need to take to get out of the forest. If you just focus on how beautiful the light is without paying attention to the path you totally missed the point. If you attention, but don’t follow that path you also missed the point. Just because you see there’s a path out of forest doesn’t mean it’s easy and you won’t encounter thorns and other difficulties along the way or make a wrong turn somewhere. Integration is very important and psychedelics is not a short cut.

I want to explain what brought me to psychedelics and the role in my recovery. I had over a decade of working on recovery. I had a deep understanding of how my childhood impacted my SSA and addiction. Even still that did not  stop me. In fact some of my worst acting out happened after I had this understanding. I picked up many tools that I over the years that helped my deal with thought and feelings that caused me to act out. I was working with a therapist I was happy with and generally helped me stop the worst forms of acting out. But despite that every so often I would slip with masturbation and sometimes porn. For close to 30 years I used porn for escape and comfort and at the weakest moments I couldn’t get out of it no matter how hard I tried. I felt it was so ingrained in my brain. My intention was to get out of that pattern.

B”H it was very helpful. I feel like it reset my brain. It also brought everything together from the decade of work. Prior to the mushroom experience all my focus and energy was to not act out, shirmas enyamim was such a far out goal. B”H that’s now my main avodah. It also put together many of the psychological ideas I’ve been working in the past decade.

Another interesting effect is how ruchniyos has become so important to me. I little background… I grew modern/yeshvish, but developed an interest in Chasdius early on. During high school I was mesmerized by a book with stories of the Baal Shem Tov. After high school when I went to Eretz Yisroel to learn some of my biggest highlights was going to tishim and Chasdish davening. But I went to a litvish yeshivas and other than an occasionally learning a Chasdish Sefer or shuir it really wasn’t a main part of life. The process really began months before the mushroom experience… On my commute to work I decided to stop listening to the news instead listen to the shiruim of Rabbi Moshe Weinberger’s Yosef Hazadik Chabruah. Then I got a chabrusa on pinymus Hatorah. Then I started on Shabbos learning more chassidus. Then I had the mushroom experience and it just intensified this process. I can’t tell how many times I learn to a Torah or hear a shuir and it brought me tears. I wonder why I  didn’t hear these ideas years ago, but of course this is the rotzon Hashem it should be like this. As I shared I had a yirdia during the summer. Looking back It was because for various reasons I became lacks learning these things. Now I realize to not fall into the path of addiction and lust I must stay connected to ruchinyus everyday. It’s not optional it’s a must. In another post I’ll just seforim and mashpim that helped me.

In summation the mushrooms did 2 things. 1. Reset my brain and stop patterns I got stuck in. 2. Brought to the front stuff that was already there.

 I wanted to share shiruim and seforim that mamash changed  my life and outlook specially with my sexual struggles and addiction.

The starting point for me was Rabbi Moshe Weinberger’s Yosef HaTzdaik chabrua https://www.yutorah.org/lectures/850562 . It changed my whole perspective. Of course his other shiruim are amazing too.

Another living changing sefor is Nesivos Shalom. In particular on Sefer shemos. He talk about shirmas habris and his peshat in Galus Mitzrayim is addiction. There’s also a pamphlet just on shavobim that is also amazing. I haven’t checked it out but there’s English translation of Nesivos Shalom.

Both of these brought me to tears many times and I wish I heard them when I was struggling in my teens and 20s.

A really like R’ Joey Rosenfeld. A good place to start is his series “The inner world of addiction” https://www.joeyrosenfeld.com/the-inner-world-of-addiction-watch (also available on Spotify and other podcasts apps). But you can’t go wrong with anything of his.

A more recent discovery is the world of Rabbi Yitzchok Meir Morgenstern. I’m currently learn his Sefer Byom Darchekha Avodah Lmaseh. The section of Teyiva is quite amazing. I love his weekly Divrei Torah.

There are more divrei Torah that have been helpful, but these are the Ikur.