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Eish Emes intro
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Eish Emes intro 03 Sep 2019 01:10 #343353

  • Eish Emes
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I just realized I’ve never wrote an introduction. I was somewhat active several  years ago and then took a long break. I’m at a strange place in life and I think it would be good for me to retrace my story and figure out how I got to where am now. Hopefully as I do that it will help me to see what I need to now to stay in the right direction. I’m going to write  small increments at a time. I have difficulty sometimes translating my thought to written word. I want to remind myself it does not have to be perfect, and grammar errors and typos are ok.

I’ll start before I was even born. My parents were not Frum. My mother had a medical condition in which she was told it was impossible to get pregnant. My mother really wanted a child. My parents kept going from doctor to doctor and everyone of them told them it’s impossible for my mother to get pregnant. My parents decided they won’t give up and kept looking for new doctors to try and hearing the same thing every time. Leaving out the details they eventually found a surgeon who developed a new procedure that can fixe my mother’s issue and would allow her to become pregnant . Sure enough she had the surgery and eventually got pregnant. When she gave birth she discovered the baby had a genetic condition and died soon after birth. Undeterred She eventually got pregnant a second time and gave birth to a healthy baby which was me. My parents did not get along and eventually got divorced. They did not win any awards for their parenting skills, but they taught me to always have hope and never give up. I’m here because of that middah and it’s something that has always been a part of who I am.

Last Edit: 03 Sep 2019 02:21 by Eish Emes. Reason: spelling and grammar errors

Re: Eish Emes intro 03 Sep 2019 03:31 #343356

  • Gevura Shebyesod
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Wow. With all the difficult circumstances of your childhood, you focus on the positive life lesson. That is an attitude that will definitely take you places.
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through...

My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Re: Eish Emes intro 04 Sep 2019 22:02 #343381

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Welcome. 

Your post was very well written.

Re: Eish Emes intro 05 Sep 2019 01:31 #343382

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My earliest memories are me lying in bed at night upstairs hearing my father screaming at my mother downstairs. My father had a short temper and was very opinionated. My parents did not get along. They were separated for several months when I was young, got back together, separated again and eventually got divorced when I was around 5. I had a weird relationship with my father. On the one hand was sacred of him because of his temper. On the other hand he would joke around with me and give me lots of gifts. Although he seemed to be angry at everyone we never got angry with me.

My mother struggled in school and I was her “special boy” she had me placed in special ED so I wouldn’t suffer like she did. I didn’t belong since all the kids had behavioral problems and  I didn’t. Therefore I was bullied a lot. I was bullied throughout my school years because I was terrible at sports. After my parents got divorced I lived with my mother and we moved a lot the first few years. I was shy and didn’t have very many friends. I also remember When I was younger I find it easier to be friends with girls then boys.

Re: Eish Emes intro 08 Sep 2019 21:33 #343438

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Eish

You had a tough childhood.
It must have come with suffering, and lots of feeling down.
Perhas you seek comfort in adualt life through actign out and porn...because you reay feel emotional lows, linked to your childhood.

Perhaps you can get therapy.

But know that whatever lows you feel now, you cannot cure them by acting out or porn.
They are just junk food...a short term "high."

Re: Eish Emes intro 10 Sep 2019 02:17 #343470

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ColinColin wrote on 08 Sep 2019 21:33:
Eish


Perhaps you can get therapy.

But know that whatever lows you feel now, you cannot cure them by acting out or porn.
They are just junk food...a short term "high."

Very true. I did go to therapy and recently returned. 

Re: Eish Emes intro 10 Sep 2019 02:19 #343471

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Very soon after my parents got divorced my mother became interested in yidishkeit. We began to  keep more and more mitzvahs. When I was in third grade we moved to a Frum community and I went to a day school. We moved to the yeshvish part of town and all my classmates lived in the modern part. I didn’t fit wherever I was. I was also very shy so making friends did not come easy to me.

I could include more details of my early childhood, but I’m focusing on these because I want to point out 1. I felt distant and sacred of my father. 2. Had a very close relationship with my mother and 3. Had difficulty making same sex peers. There’s a theory these 3  things can cause SSA. I have no idea if that’s always true, but it’s certainly true for me.

When I was  around ten my mother decided to go back to school and become a nurse. She worked full time and went to college at nights. I would stay at neighbors houses evening until she came home. When I was 11 I went to sleep way camp. I was very homesick the whole time missing my mother. When I returned home my mother was acting very strange. She left me at a friends house and never picked me up. I’m not sure of all the details because I was never told all the details, but people were searching her the whole night. She eventually showed up at my friend’s house the next morning and was immediately taken away by Hatzloh. No one explained it to me the at the time, but I learnt later on my mother has bi-polar disorder and was going through a manic episode. She ended up staying on the hospital for several weeks and I stayed by my father, until she came out.

Re: Eish Emes intro 10 Sep 2019 03:22 #343472

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Wow, so much trauma as a child. Amazing that you processed all that and did not become bitter. Yes, all those factors statistically impact SSA and create a real hole in the heart which we try to fill unsuccessfully with. We think cheap sexual pleasure can replace love. There is a great book titled "Running on Empty" which helps one come to terms with that hole in the heart. (The book does not really discuss the sexual side effects.) And of course a good therapist can help too. Some guys here have great shoulders to cry on also..... Hopefully your getting it all out here on the forum will help you to be at peace b'ezras Hashem soon which will also help your breaking free from the bad habits picked up in times of desperation.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Eish Emes intro 17 Sep 2019 01:29 #343592

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I want to give a warning this part of my story maybe triggering. I’m trying my best to just give enough details to tell the story without being overly triggering, but it’s a hard balance.

I’m not sure when it started but definitely by the age of 11 or 12 I started having “crushes” on other boys. I would become infatuated with particular boys. I was very ashamed of it and kept it a secret. I started out very naive about anything related to s**. I had a friend who seemed to be very knowledgeable about it. He had a older brother who was a few years older then us I was very attracted to. I specially would ask questions and get the older brother to teach us about s**.  

I got a computer for my bar mitzvah. It was the early days of the internet. It started out as curiosity, but I started looking for pictures of guys undressed. I remember my friend’s older brother telling me about ma******. I don’t remember when I started. But at some point my curiosity led me to p**** and I started m****** to it. In the early days of the internet it was very easing find many different varieties of p****. 

Meanwhile why this was going on my mother graduated nursing school and became a nurse. She started working the night shift and would leave me home alone at night starting from when I was 13. The night shift was very difficult for her. I started taking on more responsibilities because my mother was always tired and she couldn’t handle things at home, To deal with this situation p**** became “my friend.”

After about 2 yeas as a night shift nurse my mother started developing neurological symptoms. It became more and more difficult for her to do her job and I was pretty much doing everything at home to keep things together. She eventually had to stop working and go on disability. My mother became dependent on me both physically and emotionally. As this was all going I became more and more dependent on “my friend” p*** and m******. At some point I discovered I could function on a few hours of sleep, so by time I was 16 or 17 I would stay up all night and spends hours and hours with p***. 

I’m not sure at what point did I learn about the issue of motzei Zehra, but it was pretty early on. Of course I knew homosexuality was assur. So I felt tremendous shame and guilt my teenage years. I wanted to stop, but was never able to. I kept my SSA and p*** issue a secret and felt like I was rasha.

Re: Eish Emes intro 17 Sep 2019 06:31 #343594

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Eish Emes wrote on 17 Sep 2019 01:29:
I want to give a warning this part of my story maybe triggering. I’m trying my best to just give enough details to tell the story without being overly triggering, but it’s a hard balance. 
I’m not sure when it started but definitely by the age of 11 or 12 I started having “crushes” on other boys. I would become infatuated with particular boys. I was very ashamed of it and kept it a secret. I started out very naive about anything related to s**. I had a friend who seemed to be very knowledgeable about it. He had a older brother who was a few years older then us I was very attracted to. I specially would ask questions and get the older brother to teach us about s**. 

sleepy wrote:(
why am i in this light blue box, and how do i escape?
 if i may comment on these quoted bolded words:
when i was a young kid ,11? i was watching a comedy with my cool older brother and in those days gay was really taboo,and one of the actors made a comment ,something that he had gay tendencies,and you heard the audience(or laugh track )laugh at him ,and i didnt know what gay was so i asked my brother and he said its when one man is attracted to another man ,and i was silent , and remembering how everyone laughed at the actor  worriedly asked ,if you think another man is handsome does that mean your gay? ( ) answered my brother with a resounding NO!! and BH that saved me from labeling myself and and grew a "regular"  crazy kid  with masterbatin*  problems
(i had to use at least one *,but i dont know if it counts accordin' to courdny).(no internet in those days THANK G-D!) what i mean to say is that it sounded from the beggining of your post that you were explaining how you" discovered "from age 11 that you had ssa tendencies and it could have been very well that you were just attracted to your friends older bro, just in the sense of yourself desireing a father figure in your life or older brother, and the fact that your talks revolved around sex,well thats very normal talk and curiosity for that age so i dont see anything abnormal from your story, and as far as your furthering in ssa once you hit the internet (not judging you or anyone else AT ALL! my friend) you were simply "TAUGHT"evil things with glitter and excitement surrounding it,no wonder it developed into a full blown problem, what are we , supermen ,that we can view evil and NOT be affected?!(again not judging , because  i know where would i  could be if i had access to what you did )   im just commenting on what you said AND what ive seen written  by others ,and i just wanted to say an important point (i feel it was important at least)
if i may say one more point which i feel is not known enough:
when i was in high school/mesivta there were two cases of  boys messing around with each other close in time,whithin a month and at the same time in another yeshiva a story went out that two boys were messing around with each other, and a bochur went to my Rosh Yeshiva ZTL who was known as an a Adom Gadol and asked , whats going on? and the RY ZTL answered ,there is a ruach tumah in the velt,(world) and that explains how a little boy /teenager who with healthy hormones pumping away, get broken when a thought of ssa enters thier thoughts,and they think ,oh, i must be gay, an d they dont realize that it came into thier heads because of the ruach tumah , but now they "labled "themselves and one thing brings to another. im not saying that one should not go to sa for such problems, im just saying how for a lot of people this blows up  from regular things
anyway i wish you(and myself) lots of hatzlacha in recovery from all issues ,thanks for sharing.
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post
Last Edit: 17 Sep 2019 13:16 by sleepy.

Re: Eish Emes intro 17 Sep 2019 07:02 #343595

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i just want to say one more thing, many years later i heard from another Adom Gadol, when asking him how is it possible that something NOT sexual became sexual(like i heard ssa explained here on gye) and the Adom Gadol said the same exact thing ,that there is a ruach tumah in the world,(end quote) it doesnt mean that we have to give in to the ruach tuma (to all those who get  a creepy feeling when they here concepts of ruach tuma) but its something like somebody whose studying the heart and the symptoms of a heart attack , and now that they become knowledgeable about the heart , they walk around worried, uh oh, i just felt a pain in my left arm,  oh no . was that a palpitation i felt?
the same thing is with the ruach tuma , it throws in a ssa thought and the person thinks oh no!...but its just the  stupid ruach tumah. and by people who have issues with thoughts that they cant UNSTICK from a thought that enters their mind, (i think ocd makes this problem , but not sure   of terminology) the thoughts will get exaggerated,and just   like the case of the heart attack, a normal person will just dismiss the thought when he realizes that its just anxiety, but a person with the sticky mind ,will think oh no , oh no , im getting a heart attack ,so the same thing with the ssa thought  , itll make the ruach hatuma thought more of a problem
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post
Last Edit: 17 Sep 2019 07:15 by sleepy.

Re: Eish Emes intro 17 Sep 2019 13:25 #343604

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Eish Emes wrote on 17 Sep 2019 01:29:

I want to give a warning this part of my story maybe triggering. I’m trying my best to just give enough details to tell the story without being overly triggering, but it’s a hard balance.

I’m not sure when it started but definitely by the age of 11 or 12 I started having “crushes” on other boys. I would become infatuated with particular boys. I was very ashamed of it and kept it a secret. I started out very naive about anything related to s**. I had a friend who seemed to be very knowledgeable about it. He had a older brother who was a few years older then us I was very attracted to. I specially would ask questions and get the older brother to teach us about s**.

I got a computer for my bar mitzvah. It was the early days of the internet. It started out as curiosity, but I started looking for pictures of guys undressed. I remember my friend’s older brother telling me about ma******. I don’t remember when I started. But at some point my curiosity led me to p**** and I started m****** to it. In the early days of the internet it was very easing find many different varieties of p****.

Meanwhile why this was going on my mother graduated nursing school and became a nurse. She started working the night shift and would leave me home alone at night starting from when I was 13. The night shift was very difficult for her. I started taking on more responsibilities because my mother was always tired and she couldn’t handle things at home, To deal with this situation p**** became “my friend.”

After about 2 yeas as a night shift nurse my mother started developing neurological symptoms. It became more and more difficult for her to do her job and I was pretty much doing everything at home to keep things together. She eventually had to stop working and go on disability. My mother became dependent on me both physically and emotionally. As this was all going I became more and more dependent on “my friend” p*** and m******. At some point I discovered I could function on a few hours of sleep, so by time I was 16 or 17 I would stay up all night and spends hours and hours with p***.

I’m not sure at what point did I learn about the issue of motzei Zehra, but it was pretty early on. Of course I knew homosexuality was assur. So I felt tremendous shame and guilt my teenage years. I wanted to stop, but was never able to. I kept my SSA and p*** issue a secret and felt like I was rasha.


I’m not sure when it started but definitely by the age of 11 or 12 I started having “crushes” on other boys. I would become infatuated with particular boys. I was very ashamed of it and kept it a secret. I started out very naive about anything related to s**. I had a friend who seemed to be very knowledgeable about it. He had a older brother who was a few years older then us I was very attracted to. I specially would ask questions and get the older brother to teach us about s**.

sleepy wrote:
 if i may comment on these quoted bolded words:
when i was a young kid ,11? i was watching a comedy with my cool older brother and in those days gay was really taboo,and one of the actors made a comment ,something that he had gay tendencies,and you heard the audience(or laugh track )laugh at him ,and i didnt know what gay was so i asked my brother and he said its when one man is attracted to another man ,and i was silent , and remembering how everyone laughed at the actor  worriedly asked ,if you think another man is handsome does that mean your gay? ( ) answered my brother with a resounding NO!! and BH that saved me from labeling myself and and grew a "regular"  crazy kid  with masterbatin*  problems
(i had to use at least one *,but i dont know if it counts accordin' to courdny).(no internet in those days THANK G-D!) what i mean to say is that it sounded from the beggining of your post that you were explaining how you" discovered "from age 11 that you had ssa tendencies and it could have been very well that you were just attracted to your friends older bro, just in the sense of yourself desireing a father figure in your life or older brother, and the fact that your talks revolved around sex,well thats very normal talk and curiosity for that age so i dont see anything abnormal from your story, and as far as your furthering in ssa once you hit the internet (not judging you or anyone else AT ALL! my friend) you were simply "TAUGHT"evil things with glitter and excitement surrounding it,no wonder it developed into a full blown problem, what are we , supermen ,that we can view evil and NOT be affected?!(again not judging , because  i know where would i  could be if i had access to what you did )   im just commenting on what you said AND what ive seen written  by others ,and i just wanted to say an important point (i feel it was important at least)
if i may say one more point which i feel is not known enough:
when i was in high school/mesivta there were two cases of  boys messing around with each other close in time,whithin a month and at the same time in another yeshiva a story went out that two boys were messing around with each other, and a bochur went to my Rosh Yeshiva ZTL who was known as an a Adom Gadol and asked , whats going on? and the RY ZTL answered ,there is a ruach tumah in the velt,(world) and that explains how a little boy /teenager who with healthy hormones pumping away, get broken when a thought of ssa enters thier thoughts,and they think ,oh, i must be gay, an d they dont realize that it came into thier heads because of the ruach tumah , but now they "labled "themselves and one thing brings to another. im not saying that one should not go to sa for such problems, im just saying how for a lot of people this blows up  from regular things
anyway i wish you(and myself) lots of hatzlacha in recovery from all issues ,thanks for sharing.

P.s.
i just want to say one more thing, many years later i heard from another Adom Gadol, when asking him how is it possible that something NOT sexual became sexual(like i heard ssa explained here on gye) and the Adom Gadol said the same exact thing ,that there is a ruach tumah in the world,(end quote) it doesnt mean that we have to give in to the ruach tuma (to all those who get  a creepy feeling when they here concepts of ruach tuma) but its something like somebody whose studying the heart and the symptoms of a heart attack , and now that they become knowledgeable about the heart , they walk around worried, uh oh, i just felt a pain in my left arm,  oh no . was that a palpitation i felt?
the same thing is with the ruach tuma , it throws in a ssa thought and the person thinks oh no!...but its just the  stupid ruach tumah. and by people who have issues with thoughts that they cant UNSTICK from a thought that enters their mind, (i think ocd makes this problem , but not sure   of terminology) the thoughts will get exaggerated,and just   like the case of the heart attack, a normal person will just dismiss the thought when he realizes that its just anxiety, but a person with the sticky mind ,will think oh no , oh no , im getting a heart attack ,so the same thing with the ssa thought  , itll make the ruach hatuma thought more of a problem



For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post
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