I just realized I’ve never wrote an introduction. I was somewhat active several  years ago and then took a long break. I’m at a strange place in life and I think it would be good for me to retrace my story and figure out how I got to where am now. Hopefully as I do that it will help me to see what I need to now to stay in the right direction. I’m going to write  small increments at a time. I have difficulty sometimes translating my thought to written word. I want to remind myself it does not have to be perfect, and grammar errors and typos are ok.

I’ll start before I was even born. My parents were not Frum. My mother had a medical condition in which she was told it was impossible to get pregnant. My mother really wanted a child. My parents kept going from doctor to doctor and everyone of them told them it’s impossible for my mother to get pregnant. My parents decided they won’t give up and kept looking for new doctors to try and hearing the same thing every time. Leaving out the details they eventually found a surgeon who developed a new procedure that can fixe my mother’s issue and would allow her to become pregnant . Sure enough she had the surgery and eventually got pregnant. When she gave birth she discovered the baby had a genetic condition and died soon after birth. Undeterred She eventually got pregnant a second time and gave birth to a healthy baby which was me. My parents did not get along and eventually got divorced. They did not win any awards for their parenting skills, but they taught me to always have hope and never give up. I’m here because of that middah and it’s something that has always been a part of who I am.

Wow. With all the difficult circumstances of your childhood, you focus on the positive life lesson. That is an attitude that will definitely take you places.

Welcome. 

Your post was very well written.

My earliest memories are me lying in bed at night upstairs hearing my father screaming at my mother downstairs. My father had a short temper and was very opinionated. My parents did not get along. They were separated for several months when I was young, got back together, separated again and eventually got divorced when I was around 5. I had a weird relationship with my father. On the one hand was sacred of him because of his temper. On the other hand he would joke around with me and give me lots of gifts. Although he seemed to be angry at everyone we never got angry with me.

My mother struggled in school and I was her “special boy” she had me placed in special ED so I wouldn’t suffer like she did. I didn’t belong since all the kids had behavioral problems and  I didn’t. Therefore I was bullied a lot. I was bullied throughout my school years because I was terrible at sports. After my parents got divorced I lived with my mother and we moved a lot the first few years. I was shy and didn’t have very many friends. I also remember When I was younger I find it easier to be friends with girls then boys.

Eish

You had a tough childhood.
It must have come with suffering, and lots of feeling down.
Perhas you seek comfort in adualt life through actign out and porn...because you reay feel emotional lows, linked to your childhood.

Perhaps you can get therapy.

But know that whatever lows you feel now, you cannot cure them by acting out or porn.
They are just junk food...a short term "high."

ColinColin wrote on 08 Sep 2019 21:33:

Very true. I did go to therapy and recently returned. 

Very soon after my parents got divorced my mother became interested in yidishkeit. We began to  keep more and more mitzvahs. When I was in third grade we moved to a Frum community and I went to a day school. We moved to the yeshvish part of town and all my classmates lived in the modern part. I didn’t fit wherever I was. I was also very shy so making friends did not come easy to me.

I could include more details of my early childhood, but I’m focusing on these because I want to point out 1. I felt distant and sacred of my father. 2. Had a very close relationship with my mother and 3. Had difficulty making same sex peers. There’s a theory these 3  things can cause SSA. I have no idea if that’s always true, but it’s certainly true for me.

When I was  around ten my mother decided to go back to school and become a nurse. She worked full time and went to college at nights. I would stay at neighbors houses evening until she came home. When I was 11 I went to sleep way camp. I was very homesick the whole time missing my mother. When I returned home my mother was acting very strange. She left me at a friends house and never picked me up. I’m not sure of all the details because I was never told all the details, but people were searching her the whole night. She eventually showed up at my friend’s house the next morning and was immediately taken away by Hatzloh. No one explained it to me the at the time, but I learnt later on my mother has bi-polar disorder and was going through a manic episode. She ended up staying on the hospital for several weeks and I stayed by my father, until she came out.

Wow, so much trauma as a child. Amazing that you processed all that and did not become bitter. Yes, all those factors statistically impact SSA and create a real hole in the heart which we try to fill unsuccessfully with. We think cheap sexual pleasure can replace love. There is a great book titled "Running on Empty" which helps one come to terms with that hole in the heart. (The book does not really discuss the sexual side effects.) And of course a good therapist can help too. Some guys here have great shoulders to cry on also..... Hopefully your getting it all out here on the forum will help you to be at peace b'ezras Hashem soon which will also help your breaking free from the bad habits picked up in times of desperation.

I want to give a warning this part of my story maybe triggering. I’m trying my best to just give enough details to tell the story without being overly triggering, but it’s a hard balance.

I’m not sure when it started but definitely by the age of 11 or 12 I started having “crushes” on other boys. I would become infatuated with particular boys. I was very ashamed of it and kept it a secret. I started out very naive about anything related to s**. I had a friend who seemed to be very knowledgeable about it. He had a older brother who was a few years older then us I was very attracted to. I specially would ask questions and get the older brother to teach us about s**.  

I got a computer for my bar mitzvah. It was the early days of the internet. It started out as curiosity, but I started looking for pictures of guys undressed. I remember my friend’s older brother telling me about ma******. I don’t remember when I started. But at some point my curiosity led me to p**** and I started m****** to it. In the early days of the internet it was very easing find many different varieties of p****. 

Meanwhile why this was going on my mother graduated nursing school and became a nurse. She started working the night shift and would leave me home alone at night starting from when I was 13. The night shift was very difficult for her. I started taking on more responsibilities because my mother was always tired and she couldn’t handle things at home, To deal with this situation p**** became “my friend.”

After about 2 yeas as a night shift nurse my mother started developing neurological symptoms. It became more and more difficult for her to do her job and I was pretty much doing everything at home to keep things together. She eventually had to stop working and go on disability. My mother became dependent on me both physically and emotionally. As this was all going I became more and more dependent on “my friend” p*** and m******. At some point I discovered I could function on a few hours of sleep, so by time I was 16 or 17 I would stay up all night and spends hours and hours with p***. 

I’m not sure at what point did I learn about the issue of motzei Zehra, but it was pretty early on. Of course I knew homosexuality was assur. So I felt tremendous shame and guilt my teenage years. I wanted to stop, but was never able to. I kept my SSA and p*** issue a secret and felt like I was rasha.

I started this 3 years ago and stopped for reasons I don’t remember. I was a in bad place then. B”H I’m in a good place now. I think it will be helpful for myself to tell my story and maybe others can gain from it too. I’m going to try to be honest and open with my story, but might need to leave out some details to protect my anonymity and not to be triggering.
I left off when I was 17. I want to emphasize how addicted to porn and masturbation I became at that point. Spending hours and hours night after night. Because of my mother’s health issues I had very little oversight so there was no one to stop me. There was another detail I left out … As I mentioned my attraction to other guys started in my early teens at that time was attracted to boys around my age… as I got older I remained attracted to boys in their early teens. By the time I was 17-18 I had a tremendous amount of shame around the masturbation, ssa and attraction to teens.

After high school I went to eretz Yisroel to learn. I ended up staying for 2 years. It was an interesting period for me. First of all I was separated me from my mother. Although my mother was dependent on me all those years she managed to get by without me. I grew so much in ruchanius during that time. I got a little bit in to chassddius at that time and definitely “frummed out”.  I had a rebbi I became close to. I told him about my childhood and my mother, but not my ssa or porn and masturbation addiction. He gave me advice that mamash saved my life… he told me when I return to America whatever I do don’t live with my mother, otherwise I will not have a life on my own.
Regarding my sexual issues it was interesting… I was away from porn (it was before smart phones). There were some guys in yeshviah I was attracted to and being in a dorm with them was difficult. I definitely tried to stop masturbating for periods of time, but never lasted very long. There is some more I would like to share from that time period, but I’m going to stop for now.

I started this 3 years ago and stopped for reasons I don’t remember. I was a in bad place then. B”H I’m in a good place now. I think it will be helpful for myself to tell my story and maybe others can gain from it too. I’m going to try to be honest and open with my story, but might need to leave out some details to protect my anonymity and not to be triggering.
I left off when I was 17. I want to emphasize how addicted to porn and masturbation I became at that point. Spending hours and hours night after night. Because of my mother’s health issues I had very little oversight so there was no one to stop me. There was another detail I left out … As I mentioned my attraction to other guys started in my early teens at that time was attracted to boys around my age… as I got older I remained attracted to boys in their early teens. By the time I was 17-18 I had a tremendous amount of shame around the masturbation, ssa and attraction to teens.

After high school I went to eretz Yisroel to learn. I ended up staying for 2 years. It was an interesting period for me. First of all I was separated me from my mother. Although my mother was dependent on me all those years she managed to get by without me. I grew so much in ruchanius during that time. I got a little bit in to chassddius at that time and definitely “frummed out”.  I had a rebbi I became close to. I told him about my childhood and my mother, but not my ssa or porn and masturbation addiction. He gave me advice that mamash saved my life… he told me when I return to America whatever I do don’t live with my mother, otherwise I will not have a life on my own.
Regarding my sexual issues it was interesting… I was away from porn (it was before smart phones). There were some guys in yeshviah I was attracted to and being in a dorm with them was difficult. I definitely tried to stop masturbating for periods of time, but never lasted very long. There is some more I would like to share from that time period, but I’m going to stop for now.

Hi Holy Fire! I read your story, you are a hero of unreal proportion that after all you've been through you are here, working and doing all you can to be better and better. Mat you always feel Hashem leading you every step of the way. Keep trucking my friend!

Welcome back tzaddik! Keep inspiring!

I’m going to continue on with story after I returned from Eretz Yisroel…. I grew a lot in my second year and I came home with a whole page of guidelines how I would act especially around the computer. It lasted a week or two. But, then I become very stressed because I was having difficulty finding a summer job and used porn and masturbation to deal with the stress. That pretty was the theme of my life for many years… trying to stop, but the only way I knew how to deal with stress was through porn and masturbation. I quickly got in to my old habit of staying up all night on the computer.

After the summer I went away from to Yeshiva and lived in the dorm. Once it again it was challenging being around the dorm and yeshiva with guys I was triggered by. Whenever I would return home for bein hazaminim I would get back to my old habits of all night computer use. There was one summer I had a job that I stayed at my mother’s home. I would sleep every other night… The first night  I would stay up all night on the computer with porn until I had to go to work. The second I would come home from work exhausted and go to bed really early… then repeat the next night…. All my yeshiva years I never shared with anyone my ssa or porn issues.

Then it was time for shidukim. I had attraction to girls, but my attraction to guys was much much stronger. I was naive and thought getting married would solve my ssa and porn issues. My shiduck experience was very typical… going out with 5-6 girls and taking 2-3 years. I did find the more I got to know my future wife when we we’re dating and then the beginning of our marriage the more attracted I became to her.

For the first year of marriage I managed to stop viewing porn, but then at some point it started up again. To be continued….

I don’t remember how or exactly when, but after a year of marriage I got back to porn. I started staying late at night with porn and masturbation again. Of course I hid it from my wife. I started becoming depressed. I did feel close to my wife, but I was starting to feel very lonely. I was always very shy, but during my yeshiva days I had roommates, chabrusa, friends, etc. I would connect with. Now that I was married and in kollel  that stopped. I was feeling extremely shy and lonely which made me depressed. I was in denial the attraction to teen boy, porn and masturbation also contributed to my depression. My depression kept getting worse and worse. I eventually went to my Rosh Yeshiva about my depression and anxiety. He recommended I go to therapy. I tried one therapist briefly that wasn’t a good fit.  I then went to another therapist.

I don’t remember how or exactly when, but after a year of marriage I got back to porn. I started staying late at night with porn and masturbation again. Of course I hid it from my wife. I started becoming depressed. I did feel close to my wife, but I was starting to feel very lonely. I was always very shy, but during my yeshiva days I had roommates, chabrusa, friends, etc. I would connect with. Now that I was married and in kollel  that stopped. I was feeling extremely shy and lonely which made me depressed. I was in denial the attraction to teen boy, porn and masturbation also contributed to my depression. My depression kept getting worse and worse. I eventually went to my Rosh Yeshiva and told and he recommended I go to therapy. I tried one therapist briefly that wasn’t a good fit.  I then went to another therapist for quite a while, With both of them I told them I have dealt porn issues in the past, but never mentioned the SSA or admit how  porn and masturbation was still an issue and how extensive it was. The second therapist had me go on an antidepressant. A side effect of the antidepressant was that it took away my sex drive. It didn’t stop my porn and masturbation use, It actually made it worse. I wasn’t getting the enjoyment I used to, but kept going back to it trying to fill the hole inside me. Theraphy and the antidepressant never really helped and I eventually stopped both. 

It was also during this time I had the constant battle that whenever something would go wrong such as a car breaking down, getting sick, etc…I thought Hashem was punishing me for masturbating. I would get stressed and depressed and the only way I could deal with it was through porn and masturbation. Which would start the whole thing again.

The depression and shyness remained and my porn and masturbation got worse. At some point  I was working on a self help book for social anxiety. One of the exercises was to list things that were holding me back from overcoming my anxiety. One of the things I listed was my attraction to teen boys and porn/masturbation issue. I realized for the first time I was afraid to get too close to anyone because they might discover my sexual issues. I realized the reason the therapy didn’t work was because I wasn’t  dealing with my sexual issues. That made me even more depressed. I believed there was nothing I could do about my sexual issues. To be continued…

With both of them I told them I have dealt porn issues in the past, but never mentioned the SSA or admit how  porn and masturbation was still an issue and how extensive it was. The second therapist had me go on an antidepressant. A side effect of the antidepressant was that it took away my sex drive. It didn’t stop my porn and masturbation use, It actually made it worse. I wasn’t getting the enjoyment I used to, but kept going back to it trying to fill the hole inside me. I spent quite a while with the second therapist, but he never really helped me and I eventually stopped.

It was also during this time I had the constant battle that whenever something would go wrong such as a car breaking down, getting sick, etc…I thought Hashem was punishing me for masturbating. I would get stressed and depressed and the only way I could deal with it was through porn and masturbation. Which would start the whole things again.

The depression and shyness remained . At sometime I working on a self help book for social anxiety. One of the exercises was to list things that were holding me back from overcoming my anxiety. One of the things I listed was my attraction to teen boys and porn/masturbation issue. I realized for the first time I was afraid to get too close to anyone because they might discover my sexual issues. I realized the reason the therapy didn’t work was because I was dealing with my sexual issues. That made me even more depressed. I believed there was nothing I could do about my sexual issues. To be continued…