The depression and shyness remained . At sometime I working on a self help book for social anxiety. One of the exercises was to list things that were holding me back from overcoming my anxiety. One of the things I listed was my attraction to teen boys and porn/masturbation issue. I realized for the first time I was afraid to get too close to anyone because they might discover my sexual issues. I realized the reason the therapy didn’t work was because I was dealing with my sexual issues. That made me even more depressed. I believed there was nothing I could do about my sexual issues. To be continued…

Before I go on to the next stage I wanted to describe the extent of my porn and masturbation issues. I would spend most nights until the wee hours of the morning with porn. Many days I would home during my lunch break with porn and come late to second Seder. Anytime I was home alone I would spend most of my time with porn. In addition to porn I got into erotic stories and lust was almost always on my mind. Wherever I would go I was always be on the look out for triggers. Shul was especially triggering for me being around so many guys…

So where I left off I realized I needed to do something about my SSA and porn issues, but was deeply depressed because didn’t know what to do. I made decision I was going to contact a Jewish organization that helps people with unwanted SSA (it no longer exist). I set a date in my mind when I would contact them and it happened to be right after Purim. That shushan Purim felt I felt one of the most depressed. I came close to thinking about suicide, but stopped myself because I knew it would harm those who loved me.

I did contact the organization and it was the first time I told anyone about my SSA and attraction to teens. To my surprise they were not shocked or disgusted by me. They got me in touch with someone in my community frum with SSA. They recommended I see a therapist or life coach and had me join a email group of people with unwanted SSA. Meeting other frum people with SSA was really powerful for me. I always thought I was the only one.  At one point I shared in the email group I was attracted to teenage boys. Someone with the same issue emailed me privately and wanted to talk. At first I was hesitant, but eventually agreed. That first conversation lasted for hours. It was great to finally speak with the same struggles.

I was introduced the theories of the psychological development of SSA.

During this time I started reading Nicolosi and other authors. It really fit with my childhood. After some time I was convinced to start seeing a life coach connected with this organization. I was told if I work on my issues for a few years my SSA would go away. I took that very seriously. I don’t remember the exact chronology, but for 3-4 years I put energy, time and money on working on my SSA. I went to a weekend workshop for unwanted SSA. It was a very powerful experience for me. I started going to SA a minimum of 3 meetings per week sometimes 7. I went to several different peer led support groups with unwanted SSA. Read ton of self help and psychology books. Was on the phone with people from SA and the other groups and workshop.

My first year in SA I remained sober, but then I slipped. There were several periods I had long term sobriety, but would slip again. I’m going in to the details why but after years of heavy involvement  I realized SA was not for me.

I grew and gained from tremendously from that period in areas of self esteem, overcoming perfectionism and toxic shame, a lot of self discovery, and a long list of other areas… But the one thing that remained was my SSA.

I took a little bit of a break, but would like to continue with my story. Although the previous parts of my story has been pretty detailed and open. The next part includes things I don’t think it’s appropriate to be detailed in a such a public forum. I also don’t want to trigger anyone or bring people down with certain details. But, I do want to share how low I went, because even though I fell to such  low place B”H I got up.

Over a several year period I went from online chatting on particular apps to “virtual meetings” to to “in person meetings.” This went on over a several year period with long and short periods of stopping and restarting.

Just prior to me starting with some of the worse stuff I went to a therapist, not for my sex related issues, but for self esteem and anxiety issues. At that point I would occasionally slip with porn and masturbation, but it wasn’t such an issue. I’m not blaming him because I’m responsible for my actions. However, I had a horrible therapy experience. That lead me in a downward spiral. That together with other things going on I’m my life led me to hit new lows.

There were many periods of ups and downs for several years. COVID was particularly difficult especially just after things reopened. I eventually got to the point I wanted it to stop. I went to a highly recommended therapist who specializes in these issues. He was great and very helpful. I stopped the worse behaviors and porn and masturbation was becoming less frequent. However I did keep falling ever so often even though I was trying very hard.

I believe it was during COVID I heard about the benefits of psychedelics. I started doing a lot of research. Eventually I found an opportunity to do psychedelic mushrooms with a professional. It was a very powerful experience for me. I feel like It reset my brain. The mushrooms together with the recent therapy and years of recovery work put me in a very good place mentally. Im now 6 months clean from all forms of acting out. I’ve been working very hard of shirmas ayayim and keeping lust out of my life. I can share more, but I’m so grateful to Hashem for being where I am today. That’s completes my story. I hope my story gives chizuk. Feel free to reach out for support.