WHo am I?    What are my former aliases/forgotte usernames?   How many people on here know me on a first name basis from SA?   who cares

Did i abuse my filter today to look at whatever Nude pictures אתרוג didn't mannage to filter?    Did i masturbate in the last 2 years, after such a long and quality period of sobriety?      Am i NOT EVEN TRYING to do the most minimal efforts to controll my lust?    yes

Why am i back?    to be clean, that's all.       [וכל המסתאף אליו]

Why didn't i simply ask for the forgotten password to my old username?  because i am here for myself, not to preach-teach-sponsor

PS  This site (and corporation) has come a VERY long way since the last time i have been here. And that's just GREAT becuase a single google immage search for "porn" might just CRASH THE SERVER, whereas people eating their heart out in shame and חרטה, still don't know about this wonderfull tool that has helped so many...

why do i do it?  it's an old habit- an escape. As a kid i wasted/distracted myself in video games, in TV...   And i say "in" and not "with". Because fantacy is a world in which one can envelop themslef to the extent of TORAL DETATCHMENT FROM REALITY.    

why not simply STOP?     because i don't have anything else to get myself "into". As an aside, for a long time i thought that this tendancy of mine to get "involved" in a cause or fantacy or 'calling' was rooted in a lack of "recovery".      I veiwed my "ambitions" as a project to work on in the future. One day i heard in the series of דע את עצמך 4 יסודות that i was wrong.                I started to embrace my ambitions nature, but needed somwhere to channel it! And i still don't have a place to do that

what triggers your falls?   lonliness (HALT).    and i still have no good fix for that!    work from home, no coworkers, spend all the rest of my time raising my young kids (can't even daven in shull on shabbos!!)

What goals do i set for myself returning to the forum?    stop masturbating to shmutz, stop getting around my filter, STOP READING NEWS WEBSITES, and having a daily schedual that i don't have to lie about to a future spouce.

How will my life look in 90 days?   Assuming i stay clean in my first BOUT, than i expecet to kvetch alot and rant and rave alot on the forum, i also expect a significant growth in ruchnius (step 1-3) and with that ALOT OF GOOD THINGS in every other aspect of my life.  it's kinda funny that there is mo membership fee on GYE, as sad as my financial situation is... i would most definitely pay it!!    [did i hear someone coming around with the pushka?!]

Welcome back!

(I didn't hear the pushka, but I did see a banner on the bottom something about winning 100K )

What worked for you in the past?        duh, DOING the stepwork

When is the last time you did anything that even "vaguely resembles" the 12 steps?         umm.  if i come-up with a calander date, could we use that as a sobriety date?           or more accurately, if I would not have stopped implementing the program... would i still be clean today. ALMOST DEFINITELY

what steps did it it take you in the past to get clean?    litteraly half an hour of שערי תשובה לרבינו יונה every morning, not learning, nor reveiwing, but crying bittelry on a daily basis with almost every word.   In addition to that, one SA meeting a week. And simply DOING the steps and keeping my focus on them throughout the day.      Yes I had 1 sponsee (another 3 hopless cases also tried being sponsee's but did i mention they where HOPELESS... no hope they would ACTUALLY DO THE STEPWORK IN REAL TIME).         At the time, i honestly had carear goals as an addiction therapist, so i was realy focused on the program the littelature and RECOVERY.

what would it take for you to return to SA?      won't happen, and if i would be doing stepwork, it would only be on a descrete basis. There is far too much at risk if 'certain people' would know that i have anything at all to do with the 12 steps or GYE.

Why do you choose in writing these posts in a Q&A format?     The idea stuck me sorta spontaniosly. But i have always found that writing a question from the "sponsor's" perspective, and then honestly and openly answering it from the "sponsee's" perspective is quite valuable.     I have profesional accredidations in "asking questions", so i use those very tools to  help myself also.

What is rock-bottom for you?       i have a high pain tollerance, nerves of steel, and a positive outlook on even the more painful experiences one can endure.         if i ever hit rock bottom it was at the age of 19 when i fessed-up about the true extent of my "problem" to me rosh yeshiva.        But since then (mybe even half a year from then), "the floor gave way to a bottomless pit"            i never worked the program because of a "bottom", but rather by thinking ahead and asking myself    "True, life is bearable. But are you willing to live another 40 years like this?  NO!!&@&!    "Sure you can overcome today, and mybe all week, who knows mybe you can stay clean a YEAR! but do you have the power to truly stay clean till 120 with no falls?"       "then ask for HELP, because not only is it possible, but they will BURN YOUR a@# IN HELL FOR NOT ASKING FOR THE HELP!!  IT's free you idiot"          and that is how i always did step 1.

ברוך... שהחיינו וקיימנו והגענו לזמן הזה!   

For the first time in 24 months, I will be doing stepwork

1.       Whats the problem that I haven’t managed to solve on my own?

I am WASTING AWAY all my free time, DIRTRACTING myself on the computer. Until recently 98% was reading news, recently 60% news 40% abusing a loophole in my filter to look a nude gifs or pics that it doesn’t manage to filter.             I am not working, at all. Living fully supported by my family, instead of bringing in the BULK of my monthly expenditures.

2.       What would rock bottom look like? When will you throw in the towel?

Honestly, תשובה is such an amazing thing. That even after the earth opens up wide to swallow me my kids and everything I own… I will most probably stick to my ‘habit’ of “distracting” myself from my feelings.    Now that I mention it… I don’t even know what I am feeling?!?!          

3.       So what ARE you feeling?

Lonely.        I work from home, and have no co-workers or any other contacts for work related matters.        I have no PARTNER in my life to share it with.     And when my kids are at visitations with their mother, then I also have a large chunk of time on my hands. Lonely time with no-one to share it with.     

I am overall, happy, calm with my life. I am clearly aware “that by the grace of G-D” my divorce process has re-written the rules of the game, and literally made the history books!   In a a good way, for me and my kids that is!      
              

I am worried about my financial future.   My job is very flexible and mid-class lucrative, but I don’t enjoy it!     My job is great from a spiritual standpoint, BUT BOOOOOOOORING! So that doesn’t help.           And, in the long run I am worried how to afford buying a home, marrying off my kids, and frankly ANY unexpected expense that comes-up I HAVE NO WAY TO PAY FOR. 

4.       So, in short, what problems did you try to solve, what’s your success rate? And do you have any better solutions??

#Financial present: Living off family support, tried working but keep running after distractions.   Also feel like i can support myself and thus totally erased the G-factor from the picture (very stupid move on my part).         Never occurred to ask from hashem, as crazy as it sounds.             STEP 2: פרשת המן כל יום בלי נדר guaranteed to work!’

#Financial future: wanting to have a lucrative job, that would provide “financial security”.           Step 2: not ready for this one. Not ready. Still holding tight onto self control here.

#emotions causing me to “escape” and waste ALL MY TIME:  Tried with “all my might” not to do the program.   I was and still am calm and peaceful, but those emotions are still pent-up in there and not letting get a days work done!         (in secret. I wish I had no computer and internet, and would be forced to live in the REAL WORLD thus dealing with my emotions head-on).            Step 2: posting my stepwork on these threads, and elaborating on my feelings   (see 12&12, where any power other than “self” counts, including the group)

#Being constantly harassed in court by me ex and the social workers:    It’s stressful and scary to think that they tried forcibly taking my kids from my custody, by lying to a new judge who knew nothing about it.      It’s amazing to think that I have so much paperwork against their EVIL lawsuit, but it is still very unnerving to think that these children who laugh carelessly with me, MIGHT BE SNATCHED AWAY FOR ADDOPTION BECAUSE A SOCIAL WORKER HATES MY GUTS.       The most happy moments I share with my kids contstantly bring that thought to my mind “this is the kid they want to “orphan”?!             Step 2: כל הנשמה תהלל...על כל נשימה ונשימה I just have to actively thank hashem for what I have!!     And when I run-out of what to thank for, than he will give me PLENTY MORE.

#loneliness:    I tried getting a chavrusah, but then my life went haywire with lawsuits (all of which passed miraculously)        I tried getting a spouse, but that needs to be postponed until the dust settles in the next few weeks/months.          Step 2-3:I just gotta accept wholeheartedly that only hashem can fix this, because on this one I don’t even have a guess of how to try fixing it

hi.
i have nothing smart to say in terms of advice so im going to keep my mouth shut.
i feel terrible for you. (sounds like your pretty positive, despite your challanges, thats impressive.) i just wanna say that i feel for you and will bl''n daven for you.
i wouldnt feel its my place to give a bracha but then I woul be oiver birchas hedyot kala etc.
all this should settle smoothly and you should be happy. you should get remarried and maintain a wonderful consistent relationship with your children. and you should feel fulfilled and never be lonely again. and you should never want to look at p-, motivated by your fulfilled life. and may you always have an abundance of parnassah bkal, bheter, ubirevach!)
hatzlacha raba!
(p.s. i dont want to burden you with another segula but i was mekabel from my rebbi that learning chovos halevavos shaar habitachon is a segula for internalizing bitachon. i recently hear of a nusach on the matzeivah of a mekubal (harav segal from yerushalayim) that learning ten lines a day (i guess that depends which defus you have) and then reviewing it for an additional 4 times-i think right after learning it) is a segulah bedukah for parnassah. hatzlacha raba!)

thanks 4 the reply, and the private chat.

But it must stress that it isn't necessarily WHAT SEGULAH will silve the issue. the point at hand is for me to "surrender" the reponsibilities i erroniosly assumed FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO SOLVE (preffrably hashem, but 12&12 doesn't demand that).    So the point in parshas haman would be a daily reminder that parnasah will be provided directly to my doorstep if only i leave it up to hashem.       Whereas if i don't leave it to him i could spend all day looking for it in far off places.

in retrospect (rereading my post), i get the impression that when writing it I WAS YET AGAIN TRYING TO SOLVE MY OWN ISSUES albeit in a "spiritual" way.    same problem as the one i started off with, just repechaged in a newer "frumkeit".

agav, i am really into the chazarah.        anf thanks for the brachos

Good luck Shmiras.

Possibly you can join a Jewish social group to ease the loneliness?
A history group, or a group who attend talks?

real stepwork because i don't deserve credit for sobriety or recovery that came without it...

I recoreded myself this morning after saying מודה אני, and here is what i prayed:

"Good morning God keep me clean.

help me stay clean today.

Oh OK let's try again

GodYou keep me clean and I agree to pass up on lust. not good enough!

God I will not act out and lost... NO also that doesn't work

God I'm making only one choice To turn to you that you for me clean from all forms of lust, fantasy, gazing at women, masturbation, going to any inappropriate websites, any! you will you keep me clean And I'm just going to focus on one thing. That in the big picture, honestly in the big picture life there is no way on Earth that I could sign away on the responsibility the obligation and take upon myself to keep myself clean, impossible!

I'm not gonna focus on today, I'm going to focus on the big picture of let's say 5 years. That scares me, I know that I cannot in any way on Earth keep myself free from acting out on inppropriate lust, for 5 years straight! IMPOSSIBLE!!

now on a focus on that ,I feel some mild form of powerlessness i'm awed I'm a humbled. And although I don't feel a strong sense of humbleness, which for me is and has always been the surrender I don't feel that. But this is just the first day of recovery since I got in touch with GYE, So let's work on that! let's work on that feeling of "humbled aweness" of "surrender" and that's what I have to do.

Now that i'm talking about it actually it's kicking in a little bit more, and i'l' ask you hahem, You keep me clean cause I can't possibly do this for 5 years, hell no for 15 years, and no way on Earth for the rest of my life!

But that's just fine because you never asked me to do it you ask to know that I can't do it And you'll do it. it's not my job may job is the powerlessness your job is the doing it.

just like building the משכןת Nobody was able to pick up the beams You told all of klal yisrael, and what all of klal yisrael cannot possibly manage physically to do (lifting and connecting the beams) it it would just too heavy for them. Moshe alone should do it! And you know what, you know what,he DID כאילו he was the one building, and you where the one that did the building.

thank you that life is so easy.



As the morning passes, the urges to act out make even one week clean look like a BIG CHALLENGE. And my mind has been (thankfully) preocupied with contemplation and thought all in the vein of "powerlessness and surrender" of my financail present-future.  

being a single parent, is very humbling. I always have the fear that if something happens to me.... there is no spouce to be interveiwed for tzedakka campaigns "how she singlehandedly raised the kids, while scaring for the house, supporting, and tending to her ill husband's needs) SCARY (humbling)

Let’s do some stepwork!

Let’s start with thanking hashem for the good things I have today

                A warm bedroom,  a humidifier, a fridge filled with new recipes I that all came out tasty, my daughter went to be nicely, my son (5) wouldn’t go to bed without a fight- but was willing to substitute it with a kumzits!!!  For decent weather this morning, for getting accepted to a new job position, for getting 2/3 of my work done today, for rejoining GYE, for not acting out on lust this last day, for the inspiration of reading other peoples posts

Let’s thank him for the bad:

                I’m divorced: ok true it’s lonely, and true she is endlessly harassing me with lawyers and false accusations.     Wow does this remind me of a chazal וישב יעקב..מלמד שביקש יעקב לישב בשלווה ולפיקח קפץ עליו רוגזו של יוסף yup.  Thank you for the understanding that life is about working hard and overcoming challenges.   Thank you hashem that with all the HELL she tried making for me, I can still enjoy tranquility.      Thank you that my parents give me all the financial backing to defend myself aganst her, and thank you that her family is too poor to get a decent lawyer who could try “making a case” against me.         Thank you that we only got divorced AFTER she got a host of psychiatric evaluation, and thank you that she left the original copies of all those forms in my possession when she left me and the kids.         Thank you that she signed me CUSTODY of the kids, and thank you that the dayanim take that very seriously and will never be willing to change that divorce agreement!           Thank you the she was the one with problems and not me!        I don’t know what is best for me, BUT YOU DO. And I am sure that my zivug sheini will be GAN-EDEN compared to the investment I made in caring for the mental and emotional needs of my first wife.        Thank you for listening to all my tfilos as a bachur and finding me a temporary wife. Thank you for 2 cute beautiful and highly intelligent children, and thank you for teaching me so much about mental health in the last 6 years, and thank you for endless שמירה עליונה over the last 2 years.    Thank you for the divorce

What’s bothering me:

That I have this Shabbos to myself, and don’t have any goof plans how to spend it. I wish I could go away to somebody and see new faces, I wish.     

    I wish I could have a social life in the time my kids are by their mother. But at my age, other than WORK or KOLEL everyone barely has time fro their kids, let-alone their wife, and certainly not for friends like me!

Worried alittle about my upcoming court date, and any negative ramifications it may have. But I am sure that hashem is doing it in my best interests. Beis din has it’s downside, and here the secular judge will actually have to read hundreds of pages of documentation, and give reference to it all in her ruling.   That sounds like a big PLUS for me.

Short on time….     That’s all I can do for today

Amazing post! Keep up the great attitude, and hatzlacha with everything. 

Gmorning

Didn’t get to bed last night on time. My mind was “racing” as ususal, looking for some mental stimuli.   Thank you hashem that there are deep and meaningful posts on GYE that interest me a lot more than the copy-paste AP articles on YWN.      My late bedtime can be “credited” to running away from my emotional baggage and “drowning my sences” with mental stimuli of reading the GYE website. At this point I wouldn’t call it a “sister-drug”, but only because I am not ‘drugging’ up on lust at this point in my life. (true I’m masturbating, a looking at porn, but it’s mild nowadays).

#The rear left tire on my care had a slow leak.  This bothered and worried me every time I drove out of town. I worried that the tire (relatively new) would need to be replaced, and worried that even a temporary fix wouldn’t prevent the damage of the last months I was diving on it.         Today I went to the shop and got it fixed.     Thank you hashem that the wait wasn’t so bad.   Thank you the service was cordial.   Thank you hashem for the chizuk I got seeing that the employee has no SMARTPHONE and relies on the goy to snat pictures when necessary, gave me big chizuk seeing such יהודי קדוש. Especially thinking of him as “a simple jew”, cause that just makes the chizuk all the more powerfull.        Thank you hashem that the tire is FINE and only the valve needed to be replaced.       One less worry off my subconscious!!!!  [i.e. STEPWORK]

#SURRENDER:   The age-old concepts, philosophies, and attitudes that I internalized way-back-when… started popping back into my mind.        The feeling that makes me surrender the MOST, is when I think about myself as a SINGLE PARENT and what would be with my kids if חלילה…      I really am nothing more than a temporary PAWN in G-d’s chessgame. And when I play chess, the pawns are the first piece that I am willing to sacrifice.        Although I have A LOT of tallents and abilities, i really can’t do very much to raise my kids. Untimately hashem will be the one to pave the paths that they will seek to take in life (I honestly don’t daven enough for their ruchnius upbringing).     It’s not something “that I need to surrender”, but rather something that is for me clear as daylight… “G-d, you got this one. No-one but you.”         I want to clarify, that I am not talking about prayer, but rather a conscious-perception that this aspect of my personal “world” is solely in Hashem’s control.  I am talking here about a “attitude” that is so clear to me, that even as a do my hishtadlus to raise them and care for them, I don’t get confused or carried away with “self-will” “self-controll” “self-_____”.      

#Surrender:  one issue or subject at a time:   Long ago I learnt ליקוטי מוהר"ן בעניין התבודדות that I can “turn my life over to G-ds care”, one piece at a time. So if let’s say my income was doing great, and as such might be more ‘tricky’ to turn to hashem alone in that field…    well, there are others fields of my life that I CAN see that only Hashem can solve and continuously be צורי וגואלי in the long term.       I also found that if as a result of focusing on an ‘easier’ aspect of my life to “surrender”, if as a result of that I FEEL A HOLY FEELING OF ANAVAH-SURRENDER-HUMILITY-AWE ALL DAY LONG, than also in all the other areas it is much easier to respond to life with the stepwork.        Case in point, when I was “working” on surrendering my carrear goals, so when my wife treated me like __insert negative connotation here__ I has little trouble dealing with the insult and ‘injury’ with nothing more than bitachon. Humble-awed people don’t fight back very much, they also find it very difficult to get ‘worked-up’ with resentments, even while their wife in berating them publicly. (agav, it just sort of ADDS to the surrender, and it’s a GREAT כפרת עוונות highly recommended!!)

Well, that’s all the time I have for now.     This post took 40 minutes to type. I wish I could share these things verbally with whomever is interested  (I WILL NOT SPONSOR ANYONE even when I have a long clean streak, just as a friend or “partner”)

I just finished reading a GYE article on conditioned-sex addicts. Frankly i think that both characteristics hold true for me. And although i greatly enjoyed his clear and straightforward approach to explaining addictions (i wish i had read such a summary when first joining SA), i was turned off diagnostic criteria.

Even when reading DSM-5 (yes i have a copy), the criteria are pretty tough, and always subject to the judgemnet of the medical proffesional. There is no simple checklist, that if you fit-in than you are an addict and your life in perilous-danger!!!!    it's don't with שכל and שיקול דעת.

up to here about my inner turmoul/denial about the extent that porn/masturbation will continue to חלק לא מבוטל of my life.

Frankly, i loved my time in SA and although i have alot to say "about the program" and paved my own road to recovery (from approved SA literature and not from a sponsor {which ISN'T OFFICIAL POLICY yet...}), i honestly had an interest to continue benefitting from it myself, and to keep helping others in the program. 

But like all good things, when you are going through a divorce... they backfire and become the biggest EXCUSE that will be used against me, and against MY KIDS RIGHT TO BE RAISED BY THEIR FATHER. So at some point i simply had to cut any connection between me and the 12 steps.      I kept doing the stepwork, and kept growing in sobriety and in recovery, but not part of the program or of GYE.  

To date, i have been meeting a psychologist for a few years already, and although i have been totaly open and honest with him about the whole porn-SA thing, including how and how-much i act out nowadays, i still feel i'm missing out.      First of all, because he personally doesn't give a ____ about הוז"ל and frankly he is happy to hear if i downgraded my filter to the lowest setting and spend time watching movies, he calls it "being normal".

So what i'm trying to say, is that i came back here because i miss the onderfull spiritual life i had working the steps with other people, even if their stories where FAR WORSE than anything i have ever done.     I was't there to call people with "oh i'm powerless, she is SO pretty!!!".    I was there to explore my emotions, deal with my fears, and live a wholesome life CONNECTED CONSTANTLY TO HASHEM.

And that's what i'm looking for today on gye, in addition to not racking-up any more aveiros on lust.


# worries: getting remarried while taking part in GYE in any way. That get's me worried, i wish i could simply portray it as "something of the past, it's over". But frankly, i know deep down inside that without regular maintenance.... i could likely waste so much of my time and potential, and that would simply hurt the marriage.             Hashem will just have to "iron this one out" for me. Together with my future carrear goals and my financial future, and my health, and my ex-wifes endless vendettas (which hashem is working overtime to help me with!! great results there).

thank you for reading my posts.    I wish i could be sharing these verbally with "real people". But simply sharing them here also has a profound impact on me. I know that there are many people who care about me, along with all the other thousands of people posting, and that truly touches me.             Thank you, all of you.  Not just the readers, but also the הנהלה some of which i know on a first name (and last name) basis, and that also adds a big element of sentiment to every post that i type here, knowing that REAL PEOPLE who care for me, are reading it.      

Shmiras

Do not worry about re-marrying whilst still being involved with this website.
If you can remarry, then re-marry!

You will have to be on guard against falling every day for the rest of your life.

This Forum has examples of people who were clean for over a year and fell again.
Setting a target of "If I go 100 days clean I am cured"  can help motivate but ultimately it is an arbitrary target and will give a false sense of security.

It has taken me several years to understand this.

Welcome Shmiras. Very inspiring story. I relate to the loneliness and the temptations of working alone or at home on internet.

I feel heartsore for you and the divorce. I am a child of divorce and it sucks. 

Keep going!