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My Painful Story
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TOPIC: My Painful Story 858 Views

My Painful Story 14 Jan 2019 22:34 #338453

  • Tzadik12
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I was a mere 7 years old, a little naïve chasidish boy, when I was first introduced to anything sexual, by a first cousin of the same age – who, as I much later found out, has previously been molested by an adult – I was very hesitant and uncomfortable at first, but ended up getting used to it, and spreading my knowledge to other friends in school.

I had no idea how bad what I was doing was, all I knew is that it’s a fun game and a secret game.

A couple of weeks later, I was caught by school staff, I was punished, I didn’t really understand the severity of it, but I just knew that I had to keep my secret game even more secret.

2 years later at the age of 9, one Shabbos afternoon I was caught by my father red-handed with a neighbor of my age, my father beat me black and blue. (footnote: I currently have a very close relationship with my father). I had no idea that I had black and blue marks on my face, until my rebbi in yeshiva asked me the next day what happened to me, when I answered that nothing happened, he asked ‘so what are all these marks’ then it struck me that I need a better answer so I said, ‘oh, I just fell down a flight of stairs’.
Until I got home from Yeshiva, I had no clue why everyone was staring at me. When I got home I looked in the mirror, and I was so traumatized of how I looked, that it took me weeks to loo in the mirror again.
At that point I went underground, I knew that this secret is of the highest level, and I started desiring it even more and more. I was still a young kid, but I always managed to keep sexual relationships with friends and cousins.

When I went on to Yeshiva Ketana it only worsened. At age 16 I was introduced to porn magazines, and then videos, and for the following 21 years it has been a constant roller-coaster, of downs and ups and again downs, Determinations that “That’s It!” and then downfalls, over and over again.

In between I got married and it didn’t help a bit. I’ve had times that I’ve been clean for months, then I dropped back into the shmutz for months. And so it went on for many years.

I’m going to leave out a lot of the drama that went on throughout the years, and I’ll jump to where we are now.

Hashem pulled the slingshot all the way down in order to catapult me out of this sewage plant.

One morning I received an unsolicited text message from an unknown sender, a message that was intended for someone else, with a pornographic picture and asking me to meet up with her after a failed prior attempt to meet up.

Instead of replying “wrong number” and deleting the message, I replied: "I’m not your intended recipient, however I still enjoyed the picture."

She replied with even more pictures, we then chatted a little more and then she asked me to enter an online chat at which point I stopped communicating with her.

The next night I flew out of the country for business, and meanwhile my dear wife somehow found the text messages, I’m not going to go in to the details of that, but before I came home my wonderful wife had already contacted GYE she had the whole thing set up for me. AND HERE I AM.

For the first time since I was 7 years old I finally feel liberated. I hope to ride out this journey with all of you, and help each other out on the way, and conquer this Yetzer Hora.

Re: My Painful Story 14 Jan 2019 23:05 #338454

  • mggsbms
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Wow what a story! I will let the experts guide you, all I can say is welcome! There is lots of potential help here, so stick around, I wish you great hatzluche on you new journey.
Aka -  Mischadeish075

Re: My Painful Story 14 Jan 2019 23:30 #338457

  • ydid
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heartbreaking! imi unochi btzarah. 

Welcome, Welcome!    

by coming to GYE you made already the first BIG step.. 

so hatzlacha raba! on you journey. 

Re: My Painful Story 15 Jan 2019 00:08 #338460

  • i-man
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Welcome you should have tremendous hatzlachah.

You are lucky to have such a special wife
who reacted that way.

What a zechus that we are able to turn to
Gye.

Re: My Painful Story 15 Jan 2019 11:23 #338470

  • Thistimeillwin
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Tzaddik,

You definitely came to the right place.  we all spent years suffering in silence, when what we really needed is people behind us.  With your wife on board and by acquiring new friends on GYE, you will be able to start moving forward.

It may be 2 steps forward and one step backwards, or you may even start with one step forward and two backwards, but the knowledge that we are all here cheering you on, together with consciously tracking yourself with the 90 day chart and using all the tools here, you will make it!!

As for your wife, she deserves all the respect she can get.  The moment she saw what was on your phone was probably worse than all the suffering you will go through withdrawing from this sickness.  You cannot let her down; she has taken such a beating and held herself strong for the sake of your marriage.  You owe it to her to make an extra-strength commitment.

Much hatzlocho on your journey, which started in the gutter, but will hopefully end by the Kisei hakavod!

Re: My Painful Story 15 Jan 2019 19:02 #338477

  • gibbor120
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Welcome!  Please get all the help you need.  That may extend beyond what you can get here.  You can certainly gain here, and get chizzuk here, but this has been going on since you were 7, you almost certainly need a real live person to help you as well.

Whatever you do,  NEVER EVER GIVE UP!  Many have struggled for years and are doing well today B"H.  It is possible, no matter how many ups and downs you have - keep doing everything you can, no matter how difficult to recover.  Your life will improve immeasurably.

I wish you all the best!

Re: My Painful Story 16 Jan 2019 01:19 #338480

  • higher
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you have an incredible amazing wife. im shell shocked at her reaction. wow! 
you can find a great support base here.
hatzlacha raba!
if you need support relating to ur wife having sexual aversion and you are NOT an addict, feel free to pm me. ive picked up some advice along my own journey as well.
my thread:https:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/340817-I-AM-HIGHER-THAN-ALL-THIS!!!#340817

Re: My Painful Story 16 Jan 2019 05:08 #338485

  • Hashem Help Me
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Welcome. Great first post. Honest, courageous, informative. The first thing you should do is go to your wife and tell her she is the most amazing tzadekes and ba'alas seichel, and savlan that exists on planet earth (besides my wife of course). Tell her you appreciate her and for her sake you will do more than possible to break free. She deserves a gold medal with embedded diamonds rubies and saphires. Next, stay here, get connected with the chevra here who are here to help.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: My Painful Story 16 Jan 2019 15:01 #338494

  • Vetaher1
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Wow and welcome dear brother!
your wife finding those messages is probably gonna be the best thing that has happened in your life, it's all orchestrated by Hashem.
By hanging on here with us lot your decades old 'secrets' will be healed and opened iy"h

wishing you loads of hatzlocha

Re: My Painful Story 17 Jan 2019 18:19 #338520

  • Shmiras_3.0
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I have nothing but praise to say about your wife!!!    Most "normal" woman would have greeted you with a restraining order and lawyers letters, divorce....  STD testing kits,  pain/suffering lawsuits....          

If you REALY want to repay your wife, instead of your "membership" on GYE being yet another 'one night stand', than jump inwith professional help.              The most indispensable part of the 12 step program is that it is FREE! But the obvious downside to that is that you might just end up burning precious time and i mean A FEW UNNECESARY YEARS.


Some people claim that the program is "simple". Inherently that is true, but only after you make your way through the first 9 steps. And MANY sponsors make that way so long-phylisophical-confusing-ambiguios... that it's just a shame.

Oh and don't forget "we came for sobriety, we stayed for recovery".  Just wait till you see how good your life will be, after you addopt the tools available in the program.    Your sex issues will no longer be the focus, and you won't give a care HOW MANY MONTHS-YEARS you are clean, it's the RECOVERY and SERENITY that is all you will care about.
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